First of all props to whoever decides on the titles for these episode. This one made my black heart giggle. It’s time for another Below Deck Med Recap. In other news, i just woke up after sleeping through the whole day again. I had a rough night. And I woke up all weepy. I did manage to finish getting the trash out to the street today in the rain. So, um YAY? I’m trying to just be content in my little shack with good air-conditioning while so many are suffering from heat all over the world. I also came to the realization, I’ll probably never go to the nail salon, or the massage place. Or Publix. Or South America. LOL. I’m just going to sit here on the couch and feel sorry for myself and rot it seems. Waaah Waaah Waaah. I’ll shut the fuck up now. But I have you guys and that is all I need.
Someone Needs To Right The Ship (in so many ways)
So it’s time to go home (all small letters?) to see what these young whippersnappers have going on. Hey, if I am going to be old and decrepit I get to say words like whippersnappers. So there is that. See? I am cheering myself up already. #SteelMagnolia 🙂 So far one episode in it is already an entire clusterfuck. I’m not sure what stabilizers are, but apparently things are going all to hell. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN WITH CAPTAIN LEE! There will be no tip for these people. Ragun, who is the fucking bosun goes on a smoke break. Does this mean that whatshername will come back to replace her? These guests may be assholes, but I would be too at this point.
Raygan can’t possibly be a real bosun. This has got to be scam to get whatshername back right? Mzi tries to explain to her how to do her job. She doesn’t listen. Natalya fucking the asshole chef. Strange choice. I also tended toward dating assholes so who the fuck am I to judge? Ahh… the twenty something years full of bad choices and regret. Ah her name is Malia? She is so coming back. Or Mzi will have to be Bosun. She’s got to go. She has no schedule. No one knows what to do.
Meanwhile, Kyle is my favorite. And not because he is gay. Fuck it. It is totally because he is gay. I’ve never met a gay man who was not kind to me. Well, there was this one guy. I was like eighteen or 19 years old and at Pride by myself. I went into a bar to get a pack of cigarettes from the machine. Yes lovies, you used to be able to do that. It was right by the front door. I was HOT when I was young, I would like you to know. LOL. And a man at the bar screamed. NO LADIES ALLOWED! LOL.
Did I Mention Raygan Sucks?
The entire Twitterverse has her trending as the worst “bosun ever.” This has got to be a joke. Chef Dave is given a redemption story to explain why he is such an asshole chef. Frankly, all chefs I’ve ever encounter have some really abrasive qualities. But, he takes things to a Raygan level! I too am an asshole. But, I’d like to think I have SOME redeeming qualities. Maybe? Did I mention I LOVE KYLE? He is me and sees all the shit going on and just rolls his eyes Did Mzi just say he is from Qatar? That’s cool. The stew from Natasha ? Australia is clueless. Are we close to each other? No dear. Unfortunately for the world only New Zealand is close to Australia. The rest of us are a fucking 24 hour plane ride away. Otherwise I would be there right now. Perhaps you noticed this on the plane ride to fucking MALTA?
Meanwhile, all Captain Sandy cares about is the tablescapes. Which are beautiful as always. Chef Dave is a dick, for sure. But his skills make up for it. Storm ever so subtly tries to explain to Raygan how to be a bosun. Bless his heart. The guests also love Kyle. Natasha is ASTOUNDLY DUMB. There is a very tricky docking to get these poor guests out of here and it seems Captain YAWN has enough sense to have Storm help guide her in. Mzi and Storm are the only hope on the deck. This show always makes me want to go to Malta. You, know, me the bitch who can’t make it to the nail salon three miles or less from my house.
Captain Yawn Worries About Docking The Boat
It’s time to release these poor guests. Storm and Mzi get her through the dolphins. And they all live to see another day, no thanks to Raygan. The guests finally get off the boat ride from hell. They did love the chef and the interior. But, the deck crew sucked. BECAUSE OF RAYGAN. Sandy compliments the chef and the interior. But, she made it clear that the deck crew sucks. THEY GOT $27,000 in tips. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Back in the day, I saw ads for being a charter guest. I have a feeling that the go for an extremely low price to put up with all the bullshit but have to “tip” within a certain range. So this is basically a”tip” that pays for the trip. If you go into some of my Below Deck archives you will find that they have to stay in their cabins for overheards shots of the boat and have other limitations.
It is time for them to all go out. But I’d like to make it all about me for a moment. One of you sends me the best lip balms ever (pretty sure she buys them in Paris) and is also my Evian face spray person. I honestly do not know how I would survive without her. Anyway, we are going out in Malta! I’m so excited. Dave tries to claim that Natalya is not his girlfriend. But, he finally comes clean to production. It’s a “sea-cret” Natalyia is pissed that everyone knows. She’s pissed. IS SHE SO FUCKING DUMB THAT SHE DOESN’T REALIZE THERE ARE CAMERAS IN HER CABIN? Maybe. She probably could not find her home country, Australia on a map.