I finally have a minute to do the 90 Day Fiance Before The 90 Days recap. And by have the time, I have forced myself out of the fetal position and going to enjoy mocking these fools. Because, this is a very disappointing season. Much like MAFS which I promise to get to soon. Either tonight or tomorrow.
Memphis and Hamza
We start with Memphis going to a private meeting with Hamza’s mother and a translator. It was the Mom’s suggestion. Ut Oh. The mother’s first concern is that if Hamza moves to America and lives with Memphis, she is worried the ex-husband might not like a stranger raising his kid. This translator sucks. Memphis talks about growing up homeless. The mom is sorry for her suffering in childhood. But the translator really spins it in a negative way. Now Memphis is angry she says that she because a nurse practitioner without any support at all. Somehow, despite the crappy translator, they both cry and hug it out. But also, baby girl, your wig is slipping.
Oh wow, Hamza’s sister, who is drop dead gorgeous and his mother take her wedding dress shopping. How sweet is that? I’m glad she likes the traditional Tunisian dresses. Memphis facetimes her mom for advice even though they are not very close. Her mom is very critical of all the dresses. They actually do a bridal pant suit. Who knew Tunisian women even wear pants? I mean they do but as a bride?
These two are getting married in two days, but she’s trying to get a prenup. Here is the thing. If you marry someone overseas and they come to the US and get a green card you are responsible for them for TEN YEARS. Male or female. How does she not know this? Her attorney says to push the wedding back. And a post nup is the way to go. Um, is she a countess? How many assets does she have? She packs up and leaves the house to go to a hotel. Hamza is confused.
Jasmine and Gino
Gino goes to bother Jasmine while she is working out. She finds that very weird. Well, Jasmine, Gino is a very weird person and you are kind of a bitch. That morning Jasmine said that his ex is threatening to post photos of her kids all over the Internet. She is worried about losing her job for some reason. He basically tells her to get a new job then. I cannot believe she is actually a teacher. Or that she makes $36K a year teaching in Panama.
The nude photos of Jasmine are also potentially being sent out on the Internet. First of all, who sends nudes of their new girlfriend to the old girlfriend. And why do all of these women sleep with Gino? It’s been a dry pandemic but I’d never sleep with Gino. I’d totally hook up with Ben. I’m just saying. But I am sure SOMEONE in the US would. And he deserves way better than Jasmine. Jasmine says she is not a sugar baby. Random thought. Except that Gino admits paying women to date him. These two slimeballs deserve each other. She asks him to show her his email and he looks terrified. She finds a post about a trip to Legoland (ROFLMAO) that he went on with his ex.
But is was from 2014! She is an insane person. Gino has had enough. He’s done with her.
Mahogany and Ben
These two are on a trip. But, Mahogany has questions about Ben. She has learned something unsettling about his life. They are staying in separate rooms. That’s a bit odd, but okay. He texted her nonstop the previous night with super long texts. She didn’t answer any of them because it was kind of creepy. They are meeting for breakfast to talk about their relationship. But Surprise, surprise, surprise, (said in my Gomer Pyle voice for the old people) her parents have magically shown up for breakfast. She tells them about the texts and how he blames his failed relationships on his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend and takes no responsibility for his part.
Meanwhile, Ben’s daily devotion was “There is no fear in love.” He thinks Mahogany is fearful about everything in their relationship. And he is pissed she didn’t respond to his texts. So he is refusing to meet her for breakfast. He wants to talk to her parents privately. Not with her. I am not even sure they are her parents. The apartment was a lie. Lots of things were lies.
Ximena and Mike
First of all why is Mike even still in Colombia? Ximena says she doesn’t want the relationship to be over. She just needed space to think things through. She wants him to stay and work things out. Mike’s friend calls again and she tells him not to stay at the house, to get a hotel room and return home ASAP. But, he says she wants him to stay. Of course she does! How will she pay her bills without him? His friends could not be more direct with him. Then Ximena and the friends argue in Spanish. Ximena says he can leave tomorrow then. Ximena is pissed. Mike is crying. Mike tells her that he might stay in a hotel tonight. Ximena convinces him to stay for another week.
It is eventually negotiated that they will sleep together. However, they haven’t shared a bed once, so that probably just means sleep in the same bed. She reluctantly agrees if he doesn’t stare at her. Well what do you know, Ximena gave it up. He says she was like a tiger. She says he was like an owl who stares at her. Aw how romantic. Later that night they have an actual date night. Bitch has to work for that money. He asks how things are after last night. She says, “Normal.” The talk about the wedding and Ximena is very unhappy that his friends are not supportive. She doesn’t want them there. Then she says no more sex until marriage. Ahhhhh, she’s a crafty one. Mike says he is getting jerked around. YA THINK?
Kimberly and Usman
With all of the negative stereotypes of Nigerian scammers, LET ALONE THE FACT HE WAS ON THE SHOW DOINT THE SAME THING WITH BABY GIRL LISA, why is Kimberly in Nigeria trying to get with someone who is her son’s age? I mean I hate to be harder than her than the dumb American guys. But, he was literally on the show before! Kimberly has Sojaboy take off the necklace she had made for him and explains that she had to pay FOURTY FIVE DOLLARS to get it in time for his birthday. So either she is poor, which would explain a lot, or she’s a miser like me. 🙂 She says that is how much thought she put into the gift. Then, she asks, “How much thought did you put into this trip for me?” He says, “Nothing.” I mean this is funny but not funny at the same time. Poor Kim BALL EE!
She is not giving the necklace back. She tells him he needs to do some sort of grand gesture if he wants her to stay. He laughs and she throws a drink in his face. Later they argue and Kim Ball EE is ready to go home if he doesn’t act right. He tells her “Safe flight.” Usman a dick and a scammer. I have ZERO sympathy for Kimberly. She new he was a scammer when she got into this.
Ella and Johnny
And on we go to the step child of this show, Ella. She’s hardly ever on. They have met yet. This whole couple is ridiculous. Even more ridiculous than the rest and that is saying something. Johnny is not willing to meet her in Dubai because of the constraints on his quarantine situation. Of course she is stupid and doesn’t get that he wants to wait due to the you know THE PANDEMIC. Ella needs to get laid. WAIT WHAT? She already had sex with “a friend.” So my not just be with him? Johnny is very hurt. And Ella is a bitch who needs to know when to keep her mouth shut. But, Johnny is remarkably understanding. She cries and makes it all about her.