In the summertime, when 8 or 9 p.m. rolls around. I often wonder how the heck it got so late and scramble to get ready to recap. In the winter time like today, around 6:30 p.m. I can’t understand how early it is and how I am going to stay up long enough to pound out a recap. Then, once I am finished for the night I am wide awake. I don’t mind the winter weather at all. It’s the lack of sunlight that is annoying AF. Anyway, the big news on tonight’s RHOSLC recap is going to be the hot mic moment we saw on the previews. Lisa is locked in the bathroom alone ranting outloud under her breath. Someone on Twitter has posted was is supposed to be the full profanity laced tirade. It’s supposedly not all going to be aired.
Strange Relationships Are Forming?
We start with a little bit of a flash back to some unseen footage of the night before where there was much drinking and then…
much fighting. Wait WHAT? There was much drinking and much drunken makeups and flirting? I did not see that coming at all. The next morning it’s one of those divide and conquer days where the girls sign up in small groups to cover all the places Bravo is giving free promos to in exchange for filming. I must say the groups are a bit unexpected. So, Heather and Lisa Barlow are going horseback riding. Whitney and Jen are going to go ride ATVs. Meanwhile, Mary, Jennie, and Meredith are the smart ones who are going to the spa.
Lisa acts like she is doing some great act of kindness to film with Heather. It’s clear she didn’t sign up for this. Also, Heather stupidly wears short shorts and a long open robe to ride a horse. That will be some serious inner thigh rash! Whitney and Jen are driving more of a dune buggy than an ATV. Whitney drives the dune buggy around at full speed! Lisa and Heather sit down for a chat. They seem to be bonding. Heather says that she feels bad that Meredith “isn’t showing up” for Lisa. The tension is building between Lisa and Meredith. Whitney and Lisa claim they were told different times for memorial so she lied to somebody. Whitney and Jen have the same scripted conversation. Excuse me, but isn’t Lisa sort of planting the seeds that Meredith somehow lied about her father’s Memorial?
Detective Whitney Is On The Case
Whitney asks Jen if there is something more going on between Jen and Meredith. She hints during here talking head about the rumors that Jen and Meredith were sleeping with the same dude. She thinks the has to be a larger issue between Jen and Meredith. Whitney and Jen both think it is odd that Meredith doesn’t have an issue with Mary or her cult. They plan to address these issues with Meredith. Meanwhile, Meredith, Mary and Jennie arrive at the spa. Mary snarks about Jennie in the spa. Mary also doesn’t disrobe at all for her spa treatment.
Meredith is upset that Jennie told Jen about her hiring private investigators. Jennie apologizes and she said she had no ill intentions toward her and it won’t happen again. Meredith is either really relaxed by the massage or high. Her voice is even slower than usual. Jennie is upset her husband refuses to go to couples counseling. Jennie asks Mary about her husband and she says is is not comfortable talking about that because she “doesn’t know her like that. The she storms off. As Jennie said, all she had to do is say “He fine.”
Meredith Disengages, Again
Jen is “hosting” a Cinco de Mayo party. It’s allegedly the result of Mary calling her a “Mexican Thug.” Didn’t LeeAnne get fired (which killed the whole franchise) for calling that girl who actually was Mexican a “chirpy little Mexican”? And that was completely factual. But now we are having some sort of highly scripted racial slur dinner? Oh Meredith, for some reason I really want to like you sweetie, but you don’t seem to fully understand the assignment. She goes to talk to Whitney before dinner. She is supposedly asking for advice because she “knows” that Jen has told the Feds she has zero assets. So, if Jen is paying for dinner, she doesn’t want to be involved.
Whitney says that it is her understanding that the husbands paid for everything. We all know this is a ridiculous scripted fake reason for a fake fight. So, let’s just get right to that part. But first, the ladies all put “Freida Kahlo style” floral headbands on. Not quite. But, I am proud of Heather for know who Freida Kahlo is. So there is that. This “Cinco De Mayo” dinner is the weirdest ensemble of Dia De Los Muertos skulls (also a painting or two of that By Freida Kahlo) and a Mariachi band. So tacky.
Let’s Get Ready To Rumble!
Jen passes out gifts to everyone. She explains that she was going to give them to them at Vail. But, Alack and Alas, she was raided by the feds so she wants to give them to them now. Oh, it is those diamond snowflakes necklaces that she bought on camera. The script says Meredith won’t accept hers. Mary is too cold to stay outside so she flees right off the bat. Whitney asks her to bring blankets when she comes back and she says no. Heather says that she doesn’t care if Mary comes back. She’s kind of a buzzkill. Jennie said she was like that at the spa too when she refused to talk about her family in front of Jennie.
Meredith sticks up for Mary and says that she hasn’t know Jennie very long and might not be ready to be that personal with her. Jen takes off to get blankets that were literally three feet away. Heather says that this isn’t the first time that Mary has been shitty this weekend. Hell, she’s always doing something awful on every episode. Yet, oddly Meredith continues to engage and defend her. Mary is on her way back (with no blankets) and Meredith says to let Mary speak for herself. Or, they could just change the subject like normal people.
Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Who’s The Fakest Of Them All
With everyone back at the table, Whitney tries to moderate the situation. She asks Mary if she likes Jennie. Mary says no. She looks at Jennie and tells her she thinks she is rude. Whitney tries to stick up for Jennie. She said something about Jennie’s husband paying for the trip, too. Mary strikes back at Heather with a gut punch, “You don’t have a husband.” Heather comes out of nowhere with a nice uppercut, “Fuck you Mary Cosby! You don’t have a husband either, it’s your step-grandaddy!” Suddenly, Lisa Barlow wants to get into the mix. She swings and she misses with Jen. Jen gets pissed and runs off.
With no one left to fight, Lisa tries to stir the pot with Meredith. Meredith disengages. Lisa says she’s is a good friend to everyone. Mary says that’s not true. Finally. Looks like these two will engage each other. Except they both suck at it. Lisa says that Mary is fake and apologizes all the time and still does the same thing. Mary says “And you’re real? You don’t even know how to be real. You wasn’t taught. (sic), you’re still eatin’ candy. Sorry, I know you should not laugh at high school dropouts but the irony of that attempt at an insult is hysterical. In her talking head, Mary says about Lisa, “She has no Depp. She doesn’t really look at the importance of life.” This is of course because Lisa enjoys Taco Bell and her kids need “nutrient.”
The Main Event: Identical Twins Go After Each Other
After the rousing discussion of the nutritional value of Taco Bell, Lisa is now pissed at Meredith for not sticking up for her. So Lisa Barlow starts talking about how great she is in the third person. This just keeps getting sadder. Where do they find the people? Whitney and Heather seem to be sitting in shocked silence. Mary brings up that Lisa called someone from her church. Presumably, Cameron (RIP. Mary says “whole congregation don’t even like you.” Lisa says she doesn’t even have a congregation. They are all leaving because they don’t even understand who they are even praying to. So, let’s not go there. Mary points out that some of the girls went to her church when she staged a service for the show. The streets say she’s only ever been there for church a handful of times.
Jen comes back. Heather tries to get everyone to make up. It is not happening. Suddenly, Mary starts up with Jennie again. Whitney chimes in to point out the obvious. It’s really confusing for her to be a “church leader” and them be such a raging bitch to everyone all the time. She points out that God loves everyone. She basically says that Whitney gets on the stripper pole so she can’t judge her. Then Whitney wants to know how Meredith can be so kind to everyone and then just sit there and defend Mary who is evil to the core. Especially sitting next to her best friend of ten years. Meredith still seems to stick up for Mary when everyone else is burning her at the stake. Lisa storms off in side. I haven’t been counting is that storm off number three or four?
While Lisa Barlow is definitely winning the storm off award, stripping off her top and her mic and giving it to production. Detective Whitney is trying to get back to her scripted moments of the night. She tells Meredith that Lisa doesn’t believe she had a memorial for her father. Come on Whitney. We’re going to need a whole nuther episode for this. Meredith shut her down really fast. Then we get the hot mic stuff.
Then Meredith storms away from the table and Mary follows in her wake. What are we up to? Five? Six storm offs? Is that a record? You know what the fun part is? They were only given these two episodes two days before the reunion. It’s going to be GOOD!
Sorry this took me over two hours to recap there was a lot to absorb and a lot of rewinding. I’m going to comment on WWHL in comments as soon as I grab a been and take a quote potty break. Banjo had three during the typing of this recap. ARGH.