It’s the final regular season Vanderpump Rules recap and it looks like it will be action packed. Something you may not know about writing recaps is I have to write a “meta description” for each episode. It’s very short and it shows up as a show description on search engine searches (like Google). I usually just cut down the episode description that Bravo provides. But Bravo’s episode description is really long this week. It seems almost everyone has something important happening on tonight’s finale. Let’s see what happens.
Oh wait! One more thing apparently Jax has major FOMO and is butthurt about missing out on filming. Poor thing. Also, I just found out that Kristen sold her house in the valley she paid a million for and then fully renovated, for $1.359,000. Not a bad profit at all. She’s moved in with her boyfriend of about two years, Alex Menache. I’ve been exhausted all day, but I have a bit of a second wind. So, I’m ready to knock this out.
WE GOT THE YACHT!
I sure hope that production is paying for this. I am reasonably sure they are. But, if not this is a huge waste of someone’s money. Raquel and James are trying to act like they are paying for it. Apparently, production is also pay for a boat of sorts for some sort of day trip. Because, why not? Schwartz and Sandoval are butthurt because the Toms aren’t making any progress on the bar. Why do they beg her for help and the whine when she points out they suck at opening a bar?
James is shotgunnig Red Bull. Scheana tells Brock that she doesn’t want to get married on this engagement party weekend. Meanwhile, Sandoval and Ariana also don’t want to go through with being at the wedding. It’s just not the right time. Then, after the break we land at an Alpaca farm. That was a quick and unexplained transition. I’m not sure how or why Raquel is missing the cuteness of all the alpacas. But she and James and some other unannounced friend are going horseback riding. Apparently, Brock is the alpaca expert. For real, he’s like the Crocodile Dundee of aplacas.
Scheana Changes Her Mind
Meanwhile, amongst the alpaca poo, Scheana tells Ariana that they are not going to get married this weekend. I’m not surprised. Nobody loves an “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!” moment more than Scheana Marie and this weekend is sadly not about her. Oh good grief the “friend” joining Raquel and James is none other than fucking LVP. She will get her scene in on every episode even if she has to go to the middle of nowhere to film it. I guess she is the reason they are going horseback riding. Perhaps she doesn’t like alpacas. But she does like to straddle a steed.
LVP has a whole picnic set up for the couple that will never be. She wants to give James a pep talk about how he lucky to have Raquel. LVP leaves her ridiculous riding had on at lunch. The horseback riding was so slow I could have done it without falling off. She’s so ridiculous. We get a years of footage of LVP telling James he has to stop drinking. I hope the broken engagement will not ruin his sobriety. It must be tough to get dumped while engaged. I hope nothing but the best for him.
Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch
The guests are left to their own devices and end up having a champagne brunch overlooking the ocean. Sidenote: The first time I flew to Paris alone, I was watching The Hills and those stupid bitches were going to Paris. I had some wine in me and I booked my trip over a school holiday. I was pissed. In the American and the British since. I woke up the next morning thinking HOLY FUCK. I’ve booked and trip to Paris! Then, I went anyway. This scene has me feeling the same way. I really need to have brunch overlooking an ocean somewhere. Alas, between Banjo trying to die on me and Covid trying to kill us all, I cannot make a rash purchase of a trip.
Suddenly, Brock stands up. He wants to make a toast. They announce their engagement. On the one hand, I could see why they would do it as Raquel and James are not there. But, still. This could not have waited until next weekend? Oh wait. There would not be cameras. Now I get it. Then, drunk Brock outs Sandoval and Ariana. Why say anything at all? They tell them not to mention this plot to Raquel and James. Gurl, please. Your girl Katie will be the first to rat you out. As she should.
The Engagement Party Begins
The families and other guests begin to roll in for the engagement party dinner. Raquel shows her dad around the beautiful outdoor tables. She SEEMS happy. She talks to him about James asking for his blessing. He did not give it to him and talked to James about what it takes to be a good husband. He tells her to “do the right thing.” She says she will. James’s mom arrives. She’s as bad as he is. His grandmother is also there. Their mothers are getting along to go along, as they say. James brother is there and so are his friends. LVP is at the dinner as well.
Raquel gives as speech from the balcony. She talks about how she met James. But, James is right inside the doorway feeding her, her lines. I’m sure that is annoying. Everyone can tell James is telling her what to say. The next thing you know Ariana and Katie are crying at their table with LVP. Randall has called them and agreed to invest $150,000 is their Summer’s Eve Sandwich Shop. Did I get that right? 🙂 Anyway, it’s something like that. News alert, Ken is still alive and kicking. And of course he has a dog in his lap at the dinner table. As one does. LVP seems to slam the Toms while congratulating the girls when she tells them, if you want something done give it to a woman.
Scheana Can’t Stop Making It All About Her!
Scheana pulls LVP aside to show her the engagement ring she is carrying in her purse. She tells her that she and Brock almost snuck off for a secret marriage the day before. Lala comes for Katie. They are both drunk. Lala is bitching at Katie about Scheana and Brock. She can never just let people be happy. She acts like it is her money that Randall offered to Brock regarding his launch party for Homebody or whatever it was. And she is pissed that Scheana announced her engagement. Meanwhile, LVP tells Scheana not to mention the engagement at all. Lala of course wants to get Katie to spill the tea and ruin the engagement party.
James goes into DJ mode and gets the party started. Tom talks to LVP about how she is always putting down his new bar with Schwartz. It’s been five months and nothing has happened. Sandoval feels like she favors the wives over the Toms. She says that is because the wives are making progress and the Toms are not. He hugs her anyway. Raquel asks Scheana to be a bridesmaid. And of course the cunt that is Lala, for the record I don’t blame Randall for cheating on her, can’t handle it. So she runs off to tell James about Scheana and Brock. James goes off to pick a fight with Brock. I love that Brock got the David and Goliath analogy wrong in his talking head!
LALA BLOWS SHIT UP!
Lala gets what she wants. Camera time. Now she is the center of attention screaming at Sandoval and Ariana, and Scheana like they are her little bitches. I want one of them to punch her in her stupid face. SHE ruined the party. Not Scheana or Brock. SHE DID IT. Oh wow, Randall is there. He likes screen time too. I hope Lala is fine with her shit blowing up everywhere. We call that Karma. You are going to cause drama at James’s engagement party because you care about him so much. Girl please. All you care about is you.
Ariana tries to explain to Lala that she is putting a really bizarre spin on the Brock and Scheana situation. And she has disrupted “her boy’s” engagement party in front of his family and Raquel’s! She’s making a huge scene! Raquel is pissed that Scheana didn’t tell her about her engagement. She doesn’t understand why she is last to know. This is a pure shit show. James tries to act like he is paying for the party. It’s ridiculous. James throws out rock. Scheana wants to STAY INSTEAD OF GOING HOME WITH HER FIANCE? Brock puts the ring on he finger and leaves. LVP thinks James is being reasonable?
And there the season ends. I’ll do a mini recap of WWHL with Toms in comments. This is getting really long.