It’s time for another Vanderpump Rules recap and once again Andy Cohen has tacked his ratchet little show, on to the end messing up a VERY complicated DVR situation. So I will have to recap from the bedroom and miss The Voice finale live. SO NO SPOILERS for The Voice, or the Bachelorette either. It’s bang card night on The Bachelorette. The worst thing is for some reason there is no Survivor tonight! I guess because the other two networks have huge shows tonight? Also, Bravo isn’t re-airing this episode later in the night. That was mistake.
In other news, Lala is on her IG selling vibrators, and touting them as “the best sexy time I’ve had in five years and eight months. I’m sure Randall is a pig. But you lose them they way you get them. And, you share a child so there is no need to defame the child’s father publicly. As a great philosopher once said, money can’t buy you class, Lala. I bet the ex wife he cheated on with Lala is getting several last laughs.
Schwartz’s Husband And His Wife Fight Over Him
Since I wrote my intro, Banjo and I are fighting. Yes, you heard that right, I can’t even get along with my dog. I was in the process of burning the kitchen down, and had to open the back door to let the smoke out. He kept sitting in front of the screen door, so while I was in there I thought I would let him out. Like five different times. He would not go. So I closed the door. Hopefully we will make up during The Voice finale tonight. But for now he is ignoring me. I suck as a human.
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Time to watch this shit show again. If I am crabby with sweet Banjo, I probably won’t hold back on these idiots. We start with Raquel making cupcakes for James as he whines about being around drunk people all the time. Are they annoying yes! But, not nearly as annoying as you were around them when you were drinking. I suspect that the recent breakup between these two will end up being about him relapsing. Everyone is out for drinks and Sandoval pulls Katie aside and tries to make peace with Katie. Sort of. He says that he has to deal with Schwarz’s insecurities. Katie says she is just sticking up for her husband since she has the backbone. They end up screaming at each other. It’s basically a fight over Schwartz. Katie’s tattoos are awful.
Schwartz once again defends Sandoval. They go home. Schwartz says that he thinks they need “three way couples therapy.” Le sigh.
Sandoval’s Surprise
Scheana and Brock work on his new company, Homebody. Basically, he very quickly created the joggers line that Sheree Whitfield spent decades trying to create. And failed. Banjo has joined me in the bedroom. I guess we have made up. Brock doesn’t understand that Scheana should have stuck up for for Charli. Scheana also doesn’t understand that she should be kinder to Charli. Meanwhile, LVP’s obligatory scene this week was with Katie whining about Sandoval. LVP says that Katie should be Schwartz’s number one. Not Sandoval. Gee, how profound. Meanwhile there are some very low and loud helicopters leaving the military base.
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It’s Ariana’s birthday and Tom has planned a surprise party for her. He spends more time getting ready and putting on his makeup than she does. As they get ready to leave, Ariana tells Sandoval that Lala’s advice to Katie was to “take a break” from Schwartz. Ariana says that is a bit extreme. But not for Lala. If she ain’t happy, ain’t no one going to be happy.
The Madcap Motel
So the story is that Sandoval is paying for the party at the Madcap Motel. Clearly, they have paid Bravo to advertise this odd, um interactive museum of sorts? They got all dressed up for this? It’s dumb. But they finally get to her surprise party. Immediately, the Toms go into their own motel room. They rehash the Sandoval and Katie’s fight. Sandoval blames Katie for everything. Lala and Katie talk about Sandoval. Not surprisingly, Lala calls Sandoval a punk ass bitch. Because she hates him. And Lala is a shit stirrer. God I am only halfway through and it’s ten ‘clock! Why do I have so much to say about this episode? Banjo and I have a date at ten and he is already mad at me. LOL.
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James complains about Brock having the nerve to ask him to post about his new business to Lala. Then, they talk him going back to AA meetings. Lala says she still goes. Charli, Ariana and Raquel talk about how controlling Scheana is in her friendships. Apparently, Banjo wanted water. Again. So he is probably pissing in the house somewhere as I type this.
Ariana is unusually drunk for her. And busts her ass on the way to the bar. Sandoval told he was taking her out for a fancy dinner so she had not eaten all day. Ariana tries to get Katie to go on a double date with their Toms. It’s hard no from Katie. Drunk Ariana says she will like Katie and Schwartz’s buttholes if they agree to the double date. EW! I thought I said dumb shit while drinking. This is bad. She needs to be cut off. Or join RHONY.
Lala Is A Horrible Person
On we go to the perfect marriage of Lala and Randall. Lala is hiring an assistant. Why? I totally forgot her makeup line. She says since she has become a mom, she has been super busy. If hiring an entire team of nannys so you never have to deal with your kid is hard, I get it. I’ve never seen her film a scene since she gave birth without handing it off to her nannies. And the baby hasn’t cried once. She just gets over holding it. Most of the applicants, much like me had no idea about her “successful” brand. In the interview process she asks their astrological signs. She asks if they are okay with washing her dirty breast pump.
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Later, Schwartz and Katie talk about…. wait for it…. Sandoval. Is this really going to go on all season? At the same time, Sandoval and Ariana talk about Katie. Sandoval keeps saying that basically as a CIS male ( he keeps saying cyst), which is probably more accurate, he is not allowed to scream back at a woman. Um, the woman is literally your boyfriend’s wife! Ariana is not amused by this defense. Schwartz bikes over to Sandoval’s house. He tries to grow some balls as he is biking. Sandoval is essentially breaking up with Schwartz. He says their relationship needs to be strictly business. What a dick move. Schwartz agrees that they can take a break.
Next week: Brock plans his engagement to Scheana. The cracks in James and Racquel’s relationship start to show. Schwartz misses Sandoval.
Oh and another thing, the episode guys say that one couple who has always had a good relationship decides to take a break. I thought it might be the beginning of the end for James and Raquel. The TOMS never crossed my mind.
I can’t stand Katie with every part of my being…ugh! Just a mean witch who sucks the life out of everything, including her husband. Actually, this break up of Schwartz and Sandy does not bod well for Ms Katie. Sandy is Schwartz only escape from Debbie Downer Katie and the only time we ever see Tom Schwartz have any fun. Schwartz will be running back to Sandy in tears begging to get back together in no time.
I am actually afraid. I have hated Katie from day one of this show. For some reason she seems to be the most sane and interesting person this season!!! I hate myself for thinking this!
Well Ariana is sane… so..
Watching the latest Sandoval and Katie fight, I’ve decided that Sandoval accepts Schwartz for who he IS, and Katie does not. Sandoval knows they are better as a pair; they complement each other. Katie wants Schwartz to be something he is not.
Penn & Teller are wildly successful. Penn has the gift of gab and Teller is completely silent. It works for them; they complement each other. If Katie were married to Teller, she would be screaming at Penn to let Teller talk!
LOL Great comparison.
Also I am watching The Voice Finale with Banjo. PLEASE NO SPOILERS because some have mentioned they cannot watch to the weekend. But you can skip over all the songs that are not my boyfriend, John Legend. until the last twelve minutes. I wish they would give more time to the winner instead of making it in the last second. I would like the FUCKING WINNER OF THE SHOW TO HAVE MORE TIME TO SPEAK! I hate when it is like, “this person wins” And that’s it. Same with Top Chef and other shows. Let the winner have more than 30 seconds!
At least with Project Runway, they let the winner talk to family after the announcement.
I totally agree. I would have liked to hear from the winner.
They want you to watch them on the morning shows. (Or on WWHL if it’s a Bravo show.) Big fat circle jerk.
Thanks for saying no spoilers! Each season I’d be able to avoid them but always got spoiled here (there’d be comments outside of the Voice recaps). I come here daily while I drink my coffee and watch my daily news. I watched both parts of the finale last night and I have thoughts. Let us know when/if it is safe to comment on the show. I completely agree with the giving the winner more time to speak!
No words for those ratchet show. Well maybe a few, their feuds are as tired at Katie’s stupid leopard spots.
What’s wrong with me that I’m not disliking Katie as much as usual this year? In past seasons I’ve found her either pretty awful or completely superfluous. But this season, I actually get her point regarding the Toms. Nobody else online seems to see what I see…. so send help? Am I going soft? Have I been infected with the joy and kindness of the holiday season? I do dislike her hairstyle/cut so there’s that I guess.
So i agree that Katie has good ideas when it comes to the new Tom restaurant. She is the voice of reason in that case. However, she needs to be more supportive of the Tom friendship because that’s the brand that’s going to bring in money to their household. Given she has literally nothing going on in her life, and no income streams other than her Bravo paycheck, she should be more supportive of the brand that funds her family. I think she does create division within the Toms, and without a united Tom front there is no money.
NOE! You are not alone. It’s clear that Swartz loves Sandoval more that his wife and I would leave him.
Thank you!!!! It’s actually ridiculous.
If I could have punched Sandoval in the throat I would have with his “Men aren’t allowed to yell like woman and gays are”. Are you fucking KIDDING me?!?! Wow. He’s seriously unbelievable. I cannot stand him. Men are the ones who get away with that sort of behavior heads and shoulders over anyone else, especially women. Men are authorative, women are hysterical or bitches. Tom please PLEASE do yourself a favor and get your head out of your straight male ass. The only reason you don’t get away with it Tom, is because you actually ARE a bitch. It has nothing to do with you being a male, it’s in spite of it, which says a lot about you.
Is Brock’s fitness app just a redo of the one Jax was “launching” in season 2?
Well if anything these people are never original, but possibly have a better outcome….nah!!
This show has become centered around a stupid theme party every … single… week. There is no chemistry with the cast who clearly aren’t friends outside of the show.
I don’t remember ole’ VPR needing so many theme parties to carry the show. It was actually entertaining and had real drama.
❤️ For Banjo
Schwartz is such a dick. Katie is a dumbass. LVP Loves her role as HBIC. Sandoval will never change. THEY NEVER CHANGE!! Why am I watching this shit show?
When applying for a job at a sign company, (They were actually all artists and I still Love Brechin, and all the guys I worked with) and they asked me my astrological sign. There were 2 Taurus and 2 Capricorns and as a Virgo I apparently fit right in! All Earth Signs.
Keep your chin up girl! We are here if you need us! Thanks for the recap- I would do the hand clapping thing, but can only do that if I am on my phone-
Why is this show still on? I only read TT’s recaps and it’s clear this show needs to go. Let it go Bravo! I’m down to Million Dollar Listing and Top Chef at this point.
A few quick pops before my rant on the name of the Tom’s bar…
As hindsight is 20/20, seeing these episodes must be similar to those in them. I think that may have influenced Raquel to leave James. She could see what we saw, he was verbally and emotionally toxic for her.
Lisa, you did not CREATE the brand for the Toms, you CAPITALIZED on it. That’s not a bad thing, but THEY created it serendipitously.
Shut your piehole relationship “expert” Lala. I have a Give Them Lala lipstick. I paid $1 at the Discovery (benefitting cancer victims) thrift shop. There were LOTS of the products, overstock donated by a vendor, not Lala.
And … mini rant while I am watching WWHL, it’s fucking FEWER followers, not LESS. America’s grammar is going to hell in a luge (along with me)!
Thank you, Nanette, for pointing out the “fewer” vs “less” issue. I was multi-tasking while watching WWHL last night (mostly because i wasn’t interested in anything Katie had to say), and my ears perked up when that segment came on.
The interview with the personal assistant they decided to hire was laughable. You know that girl was there for TV time. Who knows, if Vanderpump Rules gets picked up for another season, she may be a new cast member. Lala looks so disinterested in that baby/prop/guaranteed child support child it’s just sad.
The Katie/Schwartz/Sandoval territorial dispute needs to come to an end. Sandoval & Schwartz love each other more than either of them appears to love their female partners. Arianna seems to love Sandoval more as a friend than anything else. I’m not sure what Katie is looking for, but I don’t think she’s going to find it in Schwartz.
Was anyone else disappointed that Peter wasn’t at Arianna’s birthday party?
He WAS there! I saw him in the previews in the background.
I wish the show would go back to the RESTAURANTS. Make Peter the ringmaster of that circus.
Give Sandoval and Ariana their own show. Another Roadside Attraction. Ariana driving the bike and Sandoval in the sidecar.
“…going to hell in a luge”, lol
I guess I missed him. I really wish they’d make him a bigger part of the show. He was in it briefly last week or the week before when Lisa & Ken went to the restaurant. I’d love to see Sandoval in the sidecar with Ariana driving the bike, lol.
Followed!
Sincerely,
Long time lurker
Thanks Stephanie.
Schwartz doesn’t seem to have much ambition in life. Sandoval is the one hustling and carrying the brand. Schwartz doesn’t understand (naively so) that their friendship has become a brand, and if he doesn’t start taking it seriously, they will all be broke. This is it, this brand is all they have. They’re young enough they have time to capitalize on it and make money for their future. Katie and Schwartz have no idea how this works, and seeing Katie’s interest in the Tom’s restaurant is frustrating because literally no one will go to a restaurant for HER. They will go for the Toms. It’s remarkable to see Katie’s ego and expanded sense of self importance on the show. If she had half a brain she would encourage Schwartz to focus on building his brand, which is more financially lucrative than anything she could ever create. This is so dumb, watching Katie is so frustrating, she and Schwartz just don’t get it.
Did Lala definitely have an affair with Randall when they got together? Was his cheating the reason for their breakup?
I’m reading recaps but not watching. This sounds like it’s truly gotten awful and unwatchable. The suits must be utter idiots to not have any new content for backup. Hey I know-let’s just regurgitate our decades old formulas and casts, add a few new younger unknowns and let the audience watch them all die a slow painful death, then file bankruptcy- that’d be fun for everyone, right? I mean it doesn’t even sound good in theory. Did they put all the money into a streaming platform with new stuff I’m unaware of? I just don’t get it. I’m imagining Stassi, Kristin and Jax feeling grateful they got fired. I actually enjoyed The Peoples Couch and the scripted one with the con woman & her exes which name escapes me at the moment-over.
PortiaP, I agree with you. I think that’s the point Sandoval was trying to make when he said he’s brought $20,000 into Katie’s household. I wish she’d just find something of her own to keep her busy and let the Tom’s continue their friendship & business ventures.