It’s 7:30 pm and I have been fighting the urge to go to bed for hours. And I didn’t get up until almost 4pm. Why am I so exhausted? Lord knows I am not moving. Writing a Vanderpump Rules recap seems like a Herculean effort. Why? I have my dream job of sitting on a couch watching TV and drinking for a living. It’s not hard. It’s fun! I slept most the day away. But for some reason my body feels like it has run a marathon. So now I am counting down to nine o’clock. On the bright side, if a do actually go to sleep at a reasonable hour instead of binging something, my days and nights could straighten out. Okay, it’s showtime and I am actually awake now! YAY! Let’s do this.
First of all, if you didn’t already hear, this weeks news is that Raquel gave the ring back to James. Apparently, all of that came out at the reunion and some people were virtual. I know for sure it was Katie and Schwartz, but the third person IIRC was Lala but I may be wrong about that. Antivaxxers? Failed their Covid test? I hear it was something to do with Covid. I should have probably asked source but it’s the holidays and Source is enjoying some time off.
Ice Baths And Missing Fingers?
Who had the guys getting in ice tubs as some kind of therapy on their Bingo cards for tonight? Not me. Where is “Sandy” for this. Are we supposed to call him “Sandy” now? James is losing his shit but Schwartz seems like it is just another day. And Brock apparently does this all the time, since it is “his” breathing coach that is leading this “therapy session.” That was a lot of quotation marks. James gets out after the first three minute session. Swartz and Brock keep going. Swartz says he is doing it for his sperm count. LOL. Then we discover that Brock has a hand with a missing finger! It was some sort of farming accident. I think the thumb and three fingers is pretty cool looking actually. Am I weird? Don’t answer that.
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I can’t do the dying dog thing. I have my own heartbreak going on over here. Also, I get it is “her show” and everything, but how does LVP even play a role in this season. Raquel and Charli are the only two who actually work there. Raquel is smart to work there. The others all quit when they started making real money and just pretended to work there. But, Raquel needs her graduate school tuition paid. She’s about to go back to living in a modest apartment after she finishes couch surfing and she will be like OLD SCHOOL Pump Rules used to be. If they want this franchise to continue, it should be Raquel and Charli and some of the other actual employees. The best part of this show used to be the beleaguered cooks who were all the way over the wait staff. I digress.
Rim Jobs & Toes For Nose?
We see Lala once again passing her baby off to the day nurse or whatever. It’s like she can’t even fake holding her baby for the camera. It’s more like, “Here, you handle this.” LVP sure does like to film he obligatory scenes with here for some reason. Look, I’ve waited tables (and been fired from all of them, go figure) and I’ve never thought about being their BFF after I left. LVP is totally irrelevant on her own show. Another thing I’ve never thought about is shaving a man’s butthole, and then sharing that information with the boss I had as hostess at a restaurant. Then talking about rimming her cheating man.
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On to even more weird crap. Ariana, Katie, Raquel and Charli are pimping out their feet on the Internet to raise money for Raquel’s nose job. I mean I think it will work. But still. Y’all. Come on. Raquel is having a floral picnic the next day for all the girls as a thank you. Charli is upset with Scheana for not defending her when one of Brock’s friends touched her inappropriately at the last pool party. Next, we head over to the Katie wants Schwartz to stop making bets storyline. And allegedly, he lost a bet with LVP. Because rich old ladies often hang our with former employees who are half their age playing ping pong. So Schwartz is getting LVP tattooed on his ass cheek. The one that doesn’t have Bubba or whatever on it.
Raquel’s Dream Tea Party
That is what production is calling it. She called it a picnic. Either way, if after her breakup with James someone has to go, I’d say that someone would be James. She is one of the only people who still works at SUR. And she works for cheap because she is new. Production did a great job with the tea party decor. Why is Lala there? She’s such a bitch. And she clearly did not understand the assignment. The ladies who did “Toes For Nose” are sad that they have no sales so far. They talk about James’ anger issues again. Scheana mentions that Brock has started a new company for… I dunno workouts? IDGI. But the plot line is that Brock asked all the guys to come for photo ops to help publicize the event, and James responded, “For free?” Wow. Raquel says that James told her not to respond to Brock’s text.
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Charli points out that one of Brock’s friends grabbed her at the pool party. Charli was not defended by Scheana. Lala runs here mouth that probably smells like ass like this is any of her business. Bitch. Why are you even in this scene? Scheana cries and goes home to her baby. Later, I am not even sure the point of Ariana and Katie scene. Something to do with Never Have I Ever. AH! It is a production tool to have Schwartz show off his latest butt tattoo. Seriously? We are not supposed to think she has notice until now? Katie and Ariana are terrible actors. They all are. This show jumped the shark a long time ago. That is why no one is watching.
Pickle Pros?
Randall of the shaved butthole has yet another Pickle Ball Championship. This time he seems to have brought in Professional Pickle Ball players. There are professional Pickleball players? Who pays them? Where do they play? Charli and Rachel didn’t go and went to yoga or something instead. Raquel says that Scheana has asked her not to hang out with Danica anymore. They both think that Scheana is not being a good friend. Charli says that Scheana doesn’t want to be her friend anymore because she felt like Charli was trying to make herself a “Me Too” victim. Um, NOE, your boyfriends friend touched her inappropriately.
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Back at a Pickleball Championship… HOLY SHIT! WILLIE IS THERE! Willie from American IDOL. He is going to sing the national anthem for this ridiculous “championship.” THIS RIGHT HERE WILL MAKE THE ENTIRE EPISODE WORTH MY TIME! I LOVE WILLIE! Damn we got like three bars. Is the national anthem copyrighted? Shockingly, the guy with the shaved asshole wins. James seem to think his IG account is so valuable that he can’t post promotions for Brock. What a dick.
I have no idea why this vapid show is taking so long to recap. Apologies. Later, Ariana is out with the gang and says she got a buyer for her feet pics. I can’t even believe I typed that sentence. Scheana and Charli talk. Charli is such a sweet girl. Scheana is a bitch. That is the gist of it. Scheana promises to be nicer. They hug it out.
Next week: Do the Tom’s break up?
I’m so sorry, Tamara. This must be a rough show to watch and recap. IMHO, Vanderpump Rules jumped the shark years ago. It’s barely even a shell of what it used to be, and I’m not even all that nostalgic for what it used to be any more.
When will Bravo finally pull the plug on this broken down mess of a show?
I mean, they tried. They let EVERYONE out of their contracts at the end of last season. And then Covid happened or whatever and they were like, maybe we can get Don’t Be Tardy ratings at least. But nope. They are getting WWHL ratings. Which are abysmal even when Andrew tacks shit on to the show.
It’s an embarrassment. I think they could still have a successful show, but they need to get rid of everyone except for Raquel and Charli and bring in new people WHO WORK AT SUR. This is not hard to figure out. Start again with people who are still working at SUR as their main paycheck. Stop paying them so much, the VPR original cast made next to nothing. Now they live in million dollar houses. Do it again with struggling actors who work at SUR. That would make LVP a relevant person on this show again rather than some idiot who wants random children to fawn over her.
Omg it’s even getting hard to read the recaps, trust me it’s not you, it’s this awful show!!
Question — in real life, do people play Never Have I Ever as much as it is portrayed in Bravo? It’s on housewives, and VPR, and WWHL. It’s like the new Tito’s.
I’m still enjoying VPR, but definitely not as much as I used to. It’s not organic anymore. You can tell everyone is working towards a storyline and that all the interactions are pre-planned. I hate to keep saying I want Jax back, but he was better at shaking things up and doing something unexpected.
Agree 100%…
Not as actual adults! Manufactured by Bravo for drama. Can you imagine playing that game in your 40s and 50s as the Real Housewives do? Never would I ever!
“Randall of the shaved butthole”. I don’t think anyone needs to say anything more. Instead of jumping the shark, it should be referred to as grown men tattooing and shaving their butts in desperation.
Didn’t they do this storyline years ago with Bubba and the bacon A anyway.
At 50 I feel I am too old for this show! Do I really want to watch teenie bobs and their “problems”? I just think they need to get rid of this show. MAYBE too much time has transpired due to covid.
I just skim through your recaps and don’t watch the show anymore. Have zero interest in any of their lives.. kudos to you for sitting through this show… and recapping… ! Even though Jax, Stassi and Kristen did and said horrible things.. they made the show watchable… ! The Tom’s are boring… Ariana and Katie big yawn… and i cant with Scheana’s voice it sounds like Kermit the Frog! James and Lala bring nothing interesting to the show! I guess I am just too old.. lol ! Enjoying Sucession on Hbo and Curb your enthusiasm! The writing is so good and refreshing!
You just insulted Kermit lol
Scheana is a horrible, shallow, self-centered, narcissist. How does she get worse every season? I do love Raquel and Charli. Everyone else is kind of blah. Sandoval has gotten such a big head and I used to love him, but he has picked up Jax’s #1 guy douche crown. Ugh
Agree re Sheana — what a coward she is — any time she is questioned, she “needs tot go home to her baby.” Give me a break. She has aways been an attention whore and she clearly does not give a rat’s ass about anyone else (except maybe Brock). Charli was right. Sheana at least should have asked her if she was ok.
I just loathe Sandy. He is so egotistical and pleased with himself. And his stupid outfits that he thinks makes him look creative and cool. He is a nasty piece of work, who thinks his are the best ideas in the world. I loved when Lisa rejected his stupid smoking cocktail a few weeks ago — the look on his face was priceless. Even last night on WWHL, he was posing and clowning behind Ariana for attention when they walked in. IDK how she stands him.
I have waited tables and the drama at the back of the house is SO GOOD, I totally agree! I signed up to watch struggling wait staff and bar staff intermingle and steal each other’s boyfriends, etc. And be friends and not do weird shit like pickleball and shaved assholes and tattoos on the other cheek! LVP Loves thinking she is (and has set herself up to be) The Adored One. The flirting with Shwartz is just yucky.
Can we please start calling him Sandy? “Once Upon A Tom” is such a great name, WTF? I think Lala is just jealous she has Rand who is not hot, IMO and Sheana has Brock who is (IMO). And that flipping body, after having a baby! Sheana needs a crop top body apparently! She looks just fine for God’s sake. That’s all I got, thanks for the recap, I was half watching. When I am watching BH for instance, I am like a forensic (Sutton) analysist! I want to know every word said! Not so much with this- thanks for taking the bullet. We still like reading about it.
But yeah, jumped the shark loooong ago-
You said it. Behind the scenes at restaurants is SO GOOD. Or so bad. But so funny.
Who was sleeping with who or whose spouse this week? Who TRIED to hook up in the walk-in (shrinkage)?
Where did Bernie’s Band-Aid that was on her finger disappear to? (In a Shrimp cocktail.)
What was that lump in the bucket of Creamy Italian in the walk-in? (A rat, hence, Furry Italian.)
WHERE did all of the tip trays go? (In the storage shed or the “secret” smoking area for staff snorting coke.)
How many days in a row did manager Janet wear the same dress? (34. It was my job to keep the talley marks on the chalkboard until BandAid Bernie stated doing it ON THE BACK OF THE DRESS.)
Which famous Black MLB player did the manager tell a racist joke in front of, incensing me BEYOND bounds? (Vida Blue and non-sporty Nanette was the only one who recognized him.)
Why did the new Czech line cook think “everyone at _____ gay!”? (Girls going to ladies room together and guys going to men’s room together to snort coke.)
Did a bartender say “Don’t worry it’s not what you think it is” when one of our regular customers walked in on two guys blowing each other in the bathroom — because she thought two guys were in a stall snorting coke? (Yes. And there was no stall.)
Did the owner REALLY shout “I OWN this place and I can pee anywhere I want to!” as he tried to first pee in the bar sink, then went out and peed over the dock railing during a packed house? (Yes. Because he was mad that a Republican was winning the presidential election?)
You can’t make this shit up.
Tom and Katie will last because Tom can do anything and Katie takes it. They will never be happy or divorced. I am disgusted that he put LVP’s initials on his ass. I’d be scraping it off with a dull blade or running to my attorney.
I was a superfan at the beginning of this show, I actually used to model with Sandoval in St. Louis before he moved and we did an entire pepsi summer concert series together. He was really nice and corny. I also modeled with Meghan King Edmonds Cuffe Biden, she was also super beautiful and nice. I digress, it seems like they are trying really hard with these over the top unreal storylines, when the thing that made VPR such a fantastic show was that the interactions were insane, but real. It has lost it’s magic and I doubt it can get it back and that makes it SAD for me. I also find the LVP scenes so cringe, she is completely irrelevant to their lives and trying to force scenes for her ego are desperate. She is a long way from wearing her Bravo crown.
Was Meghan King a bitch? Or did Jim just drive her crazy? I watched some old RHOC episodes when she was investigating Brooks and she didn’t actually seem as mean now. Now that we know Brooks (shudder) was a big fat fucking liar that lies. Who lies about cancer? Bad Karma- we want the inside scoop!!
This. So many questions! Please give us all the deets, @Lisa Stroh!
Also, “Randall of the shaved butthole” and Sandy of the shaved face…I want to fast forward and know how that is going to work when they are old! I’m imagining Sandy stretching his wrinkled skin trying to shave his face and I also wonder what the LVP & Bubba tattoos are going to look like when gravity hits, lol.
I don’t know how you can still get through this show to recap it, TT.
Ftr, I’m referring to Sandy shaving his forehead etc. I just re-read that & it sounded weird since men regularly shave their beards.
Caroline Manzo does it too! And she has no wrinkles! (She does it to exfoliate, not because of hair.)
I totally forgot about how she does it too! I also think she’s had work, so that explains the no wrinkles for her. Also, exfoliate? Girlfriend is removing several layers of dermis, not exfoliating! (Those layers are there for protection since the skin is the largest human organ) I know people who do threading or waxing for peach fuzz (face, arms, etc) but shaving is the cardinal sin according to every esthetician and dermatologist I’ve ever spoken to on the topic. Reason being, the hair grows back darker, coarser, and it’s a permanent situation with the hair after shaving since it cuts the hair shaft rather than pulling from the root. I’m imagining Sandy looking like an aging wolf man & not having any $ left to pay for cosmetic surgery to fix it, if it’s even fixable. The dermis layers issue is also why it’s illegal for nail salons to razor off skin during pedicures. Idk why I’m strangely fascinated by this particular practice. I also watch a lot of Dr. Sandra Lee the pimple popper lady. LOL! 😂
I am still watching but mostly in the background. Shaena is starting to remind me of Candaice will all of the crying. James is a dick, does he think his DJ work is “helping people be happy”? oh I guess he is too busy being a philanthropist to help out his friend.
Agree Lala doesnt raise her kid. I wonder if now she is a “single parent” she still has the nurses. Wait until this baby takes her first steps and Lala is out playing around and doesnt see it. Or Ocean cries and goes to the nanny for comfort instead of her mother.
I played “never have I ever” once in college. I learned a lot about my friends. that was it.
Thanks for the recap. James gets more and more difficult to watch every week. He has zero self-awareness. I’m on the fence about Charli. I’ve liked her — I’ve disliked her, and now I’m at the point that I don’t care one way or the other about her. From what I saw of Brock’s friend touching her, didn’t he just start to put his hand around her waist? At a party like that it just didn’t seem that inappropriate, but maybe I missed something. She seemed to have handled it really well so I’m not sure what she wanted Schaena to do about it. The whole thing with the feet pics is so contrived. I’m sure there’s a market for it, but couldn’t they think of something else? Schwartz’s new tattoo looked more like a rash than an LVP to me. The ice bath lady was strange. The tea party looked very nice — Lala looked like the trash she is. I thought about playing the drinking game with the words “pickle ball” being the trigger. I would have been passed out on the floor by the time they finished. I really do wish they’d take your suggestion, Tamara, and get rid of the current cast except for Raquel & Charlie since they still work at Sur. Hire new people and give Peter a role again. If that turns out to be too boring, cancel it. Watching this group is starting to make me sad.
Yesssssssssss! Peter! He really was a good manager. But that’s a show in itself. I just miss seeing him. One of a few who guys looks better with long hair.
I agree! I do miss Peter now that you’ve mentioned him. I mostly read the recaps but catching the show once or twice, the cast looks kind of miserable. They’re trying too hard. The early seasons showed the YOUNG messy cast working through 20 somethings typical issues for their age. Now it’s 40 somethings (close to) manufacturing storylines. LVP is superfluous to the show. Cancel and put everyone out of their misery. All good (or used to be good) things come to an end.
I adore Raquel and am so glad she FINALLY moved out. James is an idiot and needs to be institutionalized
As for Charli whining because Scheana did not jump the guy that put his hand on her ass…my thoughts are GROW UP Charlie jump him yourself instead of thinking someone else should. I swear I still think the two Tom’s are gay, boring and Sandabol is just flaming. LVP makes me sick of my stomach. She uses T.Shwartz to feed her ego and he’s a tool. What woman her age wants another woman’s husband to put a tattoo with her initials on his body? LVP is a pathetic example for a classy woman. The song “Money Can’t Buy You Class” relates to her as does the woman that created it. Poor Lisa’s husband..he just shuffles around behind her big butt and is her public defender. He should be FURIOUS of the tat. WTH is wrong with him? Lala IMO never got over loser James. They deserve each other and both could go to the nuthouse together. She has a foul mouth and I do not blame any man for wanting to escape from her EXCEPT James who is …… She would be an embarrassment to a man that had just a smidgen of power and trust me she is jealous of Scheana and Raquel and has always been. Nothing good at all to say about a woman that bragged on how much Rand adored her, blah blah blah and he was cheating on her all the time BUT using her for CAMERA time. Betcha her ring is FAKE also.
All in all, this is a shit show to recap. It is not worth an hour.
My take is I’m so happy Raquel took the big step and moved out. She deserves so much better in a man and in friends.
TT, I was so happy to see Willie too! Best part of this episode by FAR!