It’s 7:30 pm and I have been fighting the urge to go to bed for hours. And I didn’t get up until almost 4pm. Why am I so exhausted? Lord knows I am not moving. Writing a Vanderpump Rules recap seems like a Herculean effort. Why? I have my dream job of sitting on a couch watching TV and drinking for a living. It’s not hard. It’s fun! I slept most the day away. But for some reason my body feels like it has run a marathon. So now I am counting down to nine o’clock. On the bright side, if a do actually go to sleep at a reasonable hour instead of binging something, my days and nights could straighten out. Okay, it’s showtime and I am actually awake now! YAY! Let’s do this.
First of all, if you didn’t already hear, this weeks news is that Raquel gave the ring back to James. Apparently, all of that came out at the reunion and some people were virtual. I know for sure it was Katie and Schwartz, but the third person IIRC was Lala but I may be wrong about that. Antivaxxers? Failed their Covid test? I hear it was something to do with Covid. I should have probably asked source but it’s the holidays and Source is enjoying some time off.
Ice Baths And Missing Fingers?
Who had the guys getting in ice tubs as some kind of therapy on their Bingo cards for tonight? Not me. Where is “Sandy” for this. Are we supposed to call him “Sandy” now? James is losing his shit but Schwartz seems like it is just another day. And Brock apparently does this all the time, since it is “his” breathing coach that is leading this “therapy session.” That was a lot of quotation marks. James gets out after the first three minute session. Swartz and Brock keep going. Swartz says he is doing it for his sperm count. LOL. Then we discover that Brock has a hand with a missing finger! It was some sort of farming accident. I think the thumb and three fingers is pretty cool looking actually. Am I weird? Don’t answer that.
I can’t do the dying dog thing. I have my own heartbreak going on over here. Also, I get it is “her show” and everything, but how does LVP even play a role in this season. Raquel and Charli are the only two who actually work there. Raquel is smart to work there. The others all quit when they started making real money and just pretended to work there. But, Raquel needs her graduate school tuition paid. She’s about to go back to living in a modest apartment after she finishes couch surfing and she will be like OLD SCHOOL Pump Rules used to be. If they want this franchise to continue, it should be Raquel and Charli and some of the other actual employees. The best part of this show used to be the beleaguered cooks who were all the way over the wait staff. I digress.
Rim Jobs & Toes For Nose?
We see Lala once again passing her baby off to the day nurse or whatever. It’s like she can’t even fake holding her baby for the camera. It’s more like, “Here, you handle this.” LVP sure does like to film he obligatory scenes with here for some reason. Look, I’ve waited tables (and been fired from all of them, go figure) and I’ve never thought about being their BFF after I left. LVP is totally irrelevant on her own show. Another thing I’ve never thought about is shaving a man’s butthole, and then sharing that information with the boss I had as hostess at a restaurant. Then talking about rimming her cheating man.
On to even more weird crap. Ariana, Katie, Raquel and Charli are pimping out their feet on the Internet to raise money for Raquel’s nose job. I mean I think it will work. But still. Y’all. Come on. Raquel is having a floral picnic the next day for all the girls as a thank you. Charli is upset with Scheana for not defending her when one of Brock’s friends touched her inappropriately at the last pool party. Next, we head over to the Katie wants Schwartz to stop making bets storyline. And allegedly, he lost a bet with LVP. Because rich old ladies often hang our with former employees who are half their age playing ping pong. So Schwartz is getting LVP tattooed on his ass cheek. The one that doesn’t have Bubba or whatever on it.
Raquel’s Dream Tea Party
That is what production is calling it. She called it a picnic. Either way, if after her breakup with James someone has to go, I’d say that someone would be James. She is one of the only people who still works at SUR. And she works for cheap because she is new. Production did a great job with the tea party decor. Why is Lala there? She’s such a bitch. And she clearly did not understand the assignment. The ladies who did “Toes For Nose” are sad that they have no sales so far. They talk about James’ anger issues again. Scheana mentions that Brock has started a new company for… I dunno workouts? IDGI. But the plot line is that Brock asked all the guys to come for photo ops to help publicize the event, and James responded, “For free?” Wow. Raquel says that James told her not to respond to Brock’s text.
Charli points out that one of Brock’s friends grabbed her at the pool party. Charli was not defended by Scheana. Lala runs here mouth that probably smells like ass like this is any of her business. Bitch. Why are you even in this scene? Scheana cries and goes home to her baby. Later, I am not even sure the point of Ariana and Katie scene. Something to do with Never Have I Ever. AH! It is a production tool to have Schwartz show off his latest butt tattoo. Seriously? We are not supposed to think she has notice until now? Katie and Ariana are terrible actors. They all are. This show jumped the shark a long time ago. That is why no one is watching.
Randall of the shaved butthole has yet another Pickle Ball Championship. This time he seems to have brought in Professional Pickle Ball players. There are professional Pickleball players? Who pays them? Where do they play? Charli and Rachel didn’t go and went to yoga or something instead. Raquel says that Scheana has asked her not to hang out with Danica anymore. They both think that Scheana is not being a good friend. Charli says that Scheana doesn’t want to be her friend anymore because she felt like Charli was trying to make herself a “Me Too” victim. Um, NOE, your boyfriends friend touched her inappropriately.
Back at a Pickleball Championship… HOLY SHIT! WILLIE IS THERE! Willie from American IDOL. He is going to sing the national anthem for this ridiculous “championship.” THIS RIGHT HERE WILL MAKE THE ENTIRE EPISODE WORTH MY TIME! I LOVE WILLIE! Damn we got like three bars. Is the national anthem copyrighted? Shockingly, the guy with the shaved asshole wins. James seem to think his IG account is so valuable that he can’t post promotions for Brock. What a dick.
I have no idea why this vapid show is taking so long to recap. Apologies. Later, Ariana is out with the gang and says she got a buyer for her feet pics. I can’t even believe I typed that sentence. Scheana and Charli talk. Charli is such a sweet girl. Scheana is a bitch. That is the gist of it. Scheana promises to be nicer. They hug it out.
Next week: Do the Tom’s break up?