I already know I am not up to the Herculean task of this final RHOBH recap of the season. I was up all night, which is not uncommon really. However, the reason I was up all night was because there was some sort of critter, mouse, rat in my kitchen! So I had to wait for sunrise at 8 am before I could go to sleep. Then, today I had to go buy a bunch of crap to KILL THINGS! The lady at the hardware store in the hood said they had a lot of people looking for that this week. It’s getting colder and they want inside. I wanted to say were they women living alone with a dying dog who has been having panic attacks for the last year and a half??? I THINK NOT. In Good news, today I took a shower! Some of you will get why that is a big ass deal.
Anyway, let’s get this season in the books. We pick up at point where Erika is sniping at Crystal for asking where her anger is toward Tom. Andy points out that she lashes out at the others when they ask questions. Her attitude is, “Why wouldn’t I?” Andy is really holding her feet to the fire. Erika is still pissed about the greatest scene of the entire season where Kyle, Dorit and their husbands are all making fun of Erika’s bizarre story. Who would not laugh at this nonsense?
Tom’s house was broken into and he confronted the burglar.. and then had to go have eye surgery…and then my son had to go over and help… and then my son he rolled his car five times on the way home. Yeah, I’m under a lot of stress.”
How Could You Do This To Me?
On to Erika’s sham divorce. Erika says that she first found out Tom was having money problems while she was on Broadway. Andy asked if anyone else had heard that. Kyle says that she heard things and Andy heard the same things. Andy said they had heard Something a few years about Tom’s finances. That happened at Andy Cohen’s baby shower. Kyle was hosting that event. They don’t go into detail. Next, it’s the dramatic crying with mascara running down her face. She denies she set that up. She did.
Erika says she has spoken to Tom and it is very sad. She cries and says she just wanted to make sure he was safe. Erika says Tom has called her five times while she was at the reunion. Andy asks if she has asked him if he did it? She is sobbing and says she asked him why he would leave her with millions of dollars of lawsuits pointed at her. Andy asks again if she asked him if he stole from the victims. The tears are flowing when she replies, “Andy, he doesn’t acknowledge anything… none of it. It doesn’t even matter what he says because he is incompetent. So I’m left holding the fucking bag.” Well you did spend all the fucking money, so… ?
Erika Denies Getting $20million dollars in her EJ Global account. Yes she did in 2019. We’ve all seen the court documents. The LA Times would not publish it without the evidence. OMG I the critter is back in the house. I just put out poison in the kitchen (not where Banjo can get it.) I cannot have another night of this! Sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, the LA Times who reported the $20million deposit had court documents to back it up. Erika wants to know why it is only her whose money that she just said she didn’t get should be clawed back. What about the secretaries paychecks, the other attorneys, etc. Well, if they were paid with stolen money, then yes to all of that.
I really need someone to make me a gif of Kathy Hilton copiously reapplying her lipstick during all of this. Andy tries to point out that he had been corrupt for decades before the accident. Andy asks if it is safe to say that if she knew what was going on she would not have made the Expensive To Be Me video. She said, if she knew she wouldn’t be on a reality show because you can’t hide this shit. Actually, she was flaunting it. Rinna says that talking behind someone’s back never works. We get a montage about Rinna talking shit about everyone behind her back.
Garcelle Regrets Not Stopping Erika’s Bullying
Garcelle wonders if Erika was going to apologize to Sutton for attacking her at Kathy’s. Erika says she has nothing to apologize for. All she meant was that if next year, Sutton is the one being crucified, she’s going to return the favor. Andy rolls his eyes and says that is not at all what it sounded like. No one believes her and all agree it was a scary moment. Erika is pissed and rattles off other RH franchises and says that would be considered just a conversation. She says only in Beverly Hills is everyone so precious. Garcelle regrets not standing up to the bully. Sutton hired security for a week after that night. Erika laughs and then calls Sutton a bitchy fucking cunt. OH! NOE! SHE! DIDN’T!!!! Not our Sutton!
Erika keeps trying to scream at Sutton. Sutton points out that Erika pretended to be her friend in Del Mar. Sutton says that is lying. Erika says that was just “playing her ass.” Rinna has to explain why she attacked Yolanda, Kim, and Denise but adamantly defends Erika. Rinna says she regrets these things in the past. Oddly, it appears that Delilah now has munchausen and is getting medical advice from Yolanda Foster who is telling her she has Lyme. Delilah was on IG last night and listed ten different diseases that that has. And also that she accidentally ODed on Xanax. So, perhaps she needs to pull her head of out Erika’s ass and tend to her clearly mentally ill daughter.
Andy goes back to how Rinna treated LVP. Erika steps in and says that LVP ran away because she couldn’t take the heat. So that’s not the same thing at all. Oh look, it’s the first time I’ve agreed with Erika all night.
Sutton Gets Viewer Support
Andy reads a viewer question about how kind Sutton was to Erika all season. She flew the cast out to see her on Broadway, she took her for a girls day at the spa. She did so many kind things, and Erika threatened her. Erika screeches at Andy, “Yes! And that is why she should have come to talk to me, Andy!” Sutton replies that SHE WOULD NOT TALK TO HER! That’s because Fancy Drew sees right through your bullshit, Erika. Erika starts screaming “Can someone please back me up on what I am saying!!!!” Meanwhile everyone is agreeing with her latest tirade.
Erika suddenly calms down a bit. So we go into the bullshit stories she has told about …well everything. But let’s start with Tom’s “car accident.” She’s decided he was only unconscious for NINE hours now, lol. She “went back and did the math.” Andy asks about the accident report and she says, “They can’t find one.” So did she load his broken body into her Lambo and drive him to the ER? Wait, she says that she last talked to him at 9pm and he called her at 6am disoriented. Everyone has questions about this story and she keeps telling them to shut up and let her finish.
Even Taller Tales No One Believes
It’s a neverending story. I’d like to point out that all the crying has stopped, and she is super cranky and very animated at this point. Her complete demeanor has changed. Garcelle says, “This is why we don’t want to ask you anything!” Andy smiles at Garcelle. She says she found the car and then found Tom at the bottom of the ravine near their backyard. She called 911 and they went to the hospital. Andy asks, “Why did you say he was allegedly unconscious for 12 hours?” She says because she got in trouble with her lawyers. Why would they care about an accident from three years ago? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! Also she is laughing during the end of this story. She seem high.
She refuses to explain why her son was driving in snow in California. She wants to focus on the fact that it was her kid and none of his who checked on him after the “burglary.” Erika says she and Tom’s children do not speak. I wish he would have asked if they have ever been on speaking terms. Some gossip is that Erika was actually abusive to Tom at the end of the marriage. Especially regarding the black eye. She doesn’t have violent tendencies… allegedly. Erika claims to be cooperating with the bankruptcy trustee. That’s not what I have heard.
IT IS FINISH-ED!
Crystal didn’t say ten words in these four episodes. Erika does apologize for snapping at her. Then, she thanks everyone for hearing her out today. She says this is not pretty, it is ugly and she hopes people understands her side now. Kathy apologizes to Garcelle for not coming to her dinner. She was on Covid restrictions for three days and they would not let her film. She was upset that Garcelle was not told and that she looked bad for not telling her.
Erika apologizes to Crystal for the second time for snapping at her. Crystal gracefully accepts and wants her to know she has always been supportive of her. You know if supportive means scared to death of her. Poor Crystal. She picked a helluva season to meet these bitches. Kathy adores all the girls and had a good time. Crystal says it was a tough transition and she is happy with how it all ended on Chinese New Year. Garcelle feels a bit more included. Rinna feels good about resolving things with Garcelle. Rinna thinks she is a good friend. Erika says she came and showed up and stood up for herself. Kyle loved having Kathy there. Andy calls it a great season. Kathy’s butler’s come to serve drinks for a final toast.
And all the people said AMEN.