Well boys and squirrels, it’s time for me to do a Vanderpump Rules recap of the show literally no one is watching. Last week’s ratings were 0.610 million viewers (0.23 18-49 demo). That’s actually not bad for the demo. But, it is still in WWHL level of ratings. The first episode of the RHOBH reunion had around a million more viewers than that. Oh and BREAKING NEWS! Lala has returned home after deleting Randall from her Instagram for the millionth time. TMZ has some cockamamy story about her taking the baby to the Beverly Hills Hotel on a Sunday night for a girl’s night out. Does anything about that previous sentence make sense? Nope. She does this all the time.
Katie Is Still A Shrew
Anyway, on tonight’s episode, Sandoval allegedly helps Schwartz ejaculate in a cup. So with a storyline like that listed in the synopsis, how can we not watch? The magic begins with James and Raquel’s fancy engagement. Raquel calls her mom to show off her engagement ring from Tiffany. Ariana is happy that Sandoval did the whole engagement festival planning. Is she coming around to getting married? Sandoval says he split the $25K bill on the engagement. James says Sandoval is his best friend.
The next morning, Schwartz tells Katie that he is fine with Sandoval naming the bar Schwartz & Sandy’s. Which is good because Sandoval has already bought all the website names. James calls LVP so she can have some facetime and tells her about the engagement. He also tells her that the didn’t actually get the ring at Tiffany, he bought it from a jeweler. That is something that he should have taken to his grave. They also pretend that James and Max might actually be friends one day. James and Raquel have a family dinner planned for their engagement.
Schwartz is getting a fertility test. The minimum amount of time after an ejaculation is 2 to 7 days. So no handjobs from Sandoval for awhile. Lord knows these two are not having sex. So it is odd for me that they suddening want to make the beast with two backs so they can have a baby to fit in with the group. Who has a baby because everyone else is doing it? Sandoval shows up to help Schwartz get it up for the sperm sample. Lord know Katie can’t do that. She also can’t do this weirdo exercise crap with Lala. Then, Katie and Lala talk about their fertility journey while Lala ironically wears a Why So Trashy hat. Meanwhile, Sandoval and Schwartz have alone time to set the stage for his ejaculation.
Sandoval arrives with an entire picnic basket of masturbation aids. It’s all ridiculous stuff like the Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle (on loan), some cool lubricant (because apparently Schwartz prefers a cool handjob), a face shield in case his aim is off, and a soft towel. Sixteen minutes later, the deed was done. Back at Randall’s house Lala continues to trash Scheana and her baby daddy in particular. Why so trashy, Lala? Later the Toms try to gag (literally) LVP with a specimen cup of sperm (yogurt). But she is such an expert on sperm that she knows immediately it was not the real deal.
What Is Wrong With These People?
James is trying to repair his relationship with Max. So he sends him a gift via Raquel to give him at SUR. Raquel is one of the few that still works at SUR. Raquel wants to show of her ring to LVP. James says that she shouldn’t even be wearing it to work. It’s a $100,000 ring. I predict he is off by about $97,000. Apparently, the Toms are still working at Tom Tom while opening their own bar. Or at least faking it so LVP has some sort of relevance.
Scheana and Lala shop for baby shit while talking about literal baby shit. Scheana already has her kid on IG and gotten her verified. Isn’t the age limit 16 for IG? How can you be verified before you are even born? What is wrong with these parent who start accounts for their children? There are pictures of her BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN BORN! She has 115K followers. I have like 12. Someone please follow me. LOL. Scheana continues to have to defend Brock’s fatherhood to Lala. As if Randall is the best father ever. Besides the wife has cut off Brock from his family. Why the hell is Lala giving relationship advice to Scheana? Also, her man is allegedly cheating on her AGAIN. Mind your own damn business!
James and Raquel’s Engagement Dinner
Raquel is such a sweet girl and way to good for this shit show. Wow Raquel has a complicated family. She was adopted at birth, but here bio mom, Susan gave birth to her sister Kate before her. Oh, this is starting to make a lot of sense. Wait, it makes no sense at all. Now her sister Kate offered to carry a baby for their aunt and that Aunt was/is her mother? I’ve replayed this five times and need one of ya’ll to explain this to me. Preferably with visual aids. James’ psycho mother is also there. This should be a huge shit show. His brother is also there.
James want to have a replica of Raquel’s ring made. ROFLMAO. The lighting for this scene is atrocious. James talks about his crappy treatment of Max. His mother just defends everything James does. Kate the sister/mother/aunt doesn’t want Raquel fixing all of James problems, like when she took Max his apology gift because he was not talking to her.
Tom Tom Is Back Open And Still A Thing
I exclusively broke the news that Villa Blanca was completely shut down forever during the pandemic. But it seems Tom Tom is finally open and both Toms are now … bartenders? I thought they were part owners. At least that was the storyline previously. Remember Schwartz and the dumb suitcase full of money? Katie complains to LVP about her struggles to conceive. Again, they are likely not having sex that much at all.
Then the Toms suddenly don’t have to be bartenders anymore and come sit down with LVP and their wives. Schwartz is worried that their new bar won’t be able to find enough staff. Please, the staff will be on TV this will not be an actual issue. Ariana says she and Katie can come in to help. LVP brings up the stupid storyline about Katie have a role in the bar. Schwartz says she offered to train staff. LVP steps away from the table as the conversation gets a bit aggressive. Then she tells us, “I hope I didn’t provoke anything, I didn’t mean to!” Bitch, please. That was your main agenda. Katie seems to think she deserves a position at the bar. She does not. Katie can’t stand Sandoval. Because he is the real wife. Sandoval hates Katie too.
Next time: Swartz claims his sperm has “misshaped heads.” Lala pretends to be nice to Racquel. Lala continues to try and fuck up Scheana’s relationship with Brock. Raquel and James are on WWHL tonight. Check comments for details.