Y’all! I’ve been stressing about this RHOBH recap all night. And spent another few hours preparing for the Project Runway recap tomorrow. This is going to be a busy four weeks. Which is great, but frankly kind of terrifying! Reunions are always very hard because there is a lot of then she said, and then she brought out a stuffed bunny and I am freaking out, and the cast is freaking out and this one is going to be big. But, with a lot of help from Nanette, I THINK I am ready. Okay. Deep Breaths. Here we go!
We Start With Erika?
OMG. I lied. I am not ready. Before the reunion, we get a scene of Rinna going to chat with her bestie about the reunion. Rinna says everyone is asking her if Erika is going to the reunion. Erika says, “I’m not a quitter.” You know except when she quit on her elderly husband when the money dried up and he was facing serious charges. Or when she quit her son when he was three to become a “star.” Rinna tells her to get ready because the girls have flipped on her. Rinna is the only one to stick by her, which is suspect to me. They talked about it on The View today and my hunk of shit DVR kept crapping out. But, the one part that was clear was when Sunny, a former federal prosecutor said she would subpoena every single person on that stage.
Garcelle is already having tequila. I do not blame her. The set is a simulation of Kathy Hilton’s backyard. Erika is already snippy with Andy. Erika is happy to say everything she can say. But, she will do her best to answer everything she can. She says there is a lot of talk about her being cold and empty. She says that she wants anyone who has been wronged to be made whole. Erika says it is important that people hear that from her. UM HELLO! You sure as shit have never said anything about the victims before this very moment. So no more posting photos of yourself on the cross with widows and orphans on your earrings on social media then? We haven’t even started yet and I know this post will be too long for anyone but Sutton to read.
We Move On To Sutton
I am shocked that Andy is going straight to Erika with the hard hitting questions. I thought we would do everyone else first. Andy asks Erika Girardi if her lawyers ever told her to quit the show. She says they did but she refused because she has nothing to hide. Her lawyers responded with, “Well you know this shit can get flipped around on you. Andy says a lot of fans want her fired. She says that she has done nothing wrong, she’s not a quitted and she is going to defend herself. Thankfully we move on to everyone’s favorite RHOBH, Sutton Stracke. We get a not so nice reel about how the mean girls were so mean to Sutton. Why are we talking about Suttons mama? Her mama seems like… a tough southern mama who tells you to suck it up. Reminds me of my mama. RIP.
Sutton says her store is doing great and she points at Rinna. I love Sutton. She’s southern shady. Rinna doesn’t consider a store a business? Didn’t she have one that was shut down? Why is Rinna clawing at her already? Sutton has finally moved into her new house and they actually sent a film crew. It’s beautiful and she loves it. Kyle says Sutton was a great tenant but that Sutton did almost burn her house down. Something apparently went wrong with the fireplace. Kyle took the house off the market to make some repairs to the fireplace.
All The Single Ladies
Andy asks why Sutton broke up with her boyfriend. She says they were on a nice Valentine’s Day trip and he broke up with her. All he said was, “I just can’t.” Where is this man? I want to beat him up. Sutton says she is fine and enjoying dating. Erika says, “Who are YOU dating?” As if Sutton can’t get a man. I want to punch her in the face too. This reunion is making me very aggressive for someone who never gets off the couch. Andy asks Erika if she is dating. She says she is trying. Andy asks what she is looking for. She says “someone with a big penis. I’m looking for some hot sex.” Nah. She’s always has someone on the side. She’s not looking for a fat penis. Erika is looking for a fat wallet. Rumor is she already has the fat wallet. ALLEGEDLY.
Next it is time to call Garcelle “passive aggressive” and that is true to an extent. But, the Frigid Fucking Fuckers are AGRESSIVE AGRESSIVE. So her passive aggressive is more polite aggression. They showed Garcelle talking about feeling like an outsider in Del Mar. Andy asked if anyone came up to her privately after that and she said that Rinna and Dorit did and it made them see her in a different way. They both said that they felt closer to her. Dorit goes on a diatribe about how she understood Garcelle more after that and I can literally see the steam rising off Garcelle’s perfectly laid hair. She keeps calling Garcelle, “passively provacative” just to be relevant. Garcelle rightly points out she doesn’t need to do anything to be relevant. /Deep Breaths. If Rinna was her she would whisper, “You’re so angry.” Damn straight I am.
Dorit Versus Garcelle
Dorit says that her confrontation with Garcelle was her voicing her frustration and that Garcelle made it seem like she was coming after her. I could never be on a reunion. The revisionist history is incredibly frustrating. Dorit says that she used a word she should not have, “bully.” And Garcelle agrees and says she needs an apology for that. Garcelle actually talked about that scene on The Real (which again is very good this season). Dorit says she used the word because part of being a bully in being incessant. Why do these women all project their behaviors on to someone else? It’s mental illness? Andy points out that social media came hard in the paint for her after she did that.
Andy says that social media says she friends with Erika who is the queen bitch of attacks. She attacked, Teddi, Eileen, Sutton and even herself, why call Garcelle a bully (I mean COME ON) and not Erika? Another said that calling Garcelle a bully was an attempt by Dorit to paint Garcelle into the “angry black woman” stereotype and that is a new low. It’s a new low because Garcelle is one of the sweetest people on this cast of bullies. They have their own little “bully group” THEY ARE THE MEAN GIRLS DEFLECTING! Dorit responds by DEFENDING ERIKA. My response is the same as Garcelle’s. “OH COME ON!” Then she sort of apologizes.
Everyone Piles On To Garcelle
Then Rinna defends Dorit. And so Rinna gets snarky with Garcelle. Garcelle basically says she will deal with Rinna later. And Rinna says she will do whatever she wants. Wow. It’s like the mean girls don’t even read the damn room. Go ahead and march to your death Rinna. I am sick of defending you. At least Kyle has the sense to STFU. Or I would be wanting drown her in the sack full of housewives I want to throw into the ocean right now. AM I THE ONLY ONE INFURIATED BY ALL OF THIS? Seriously, I have low blood pressure but right now mine is through the roof. DO THESE FOOLS NOT UNDERSTAND THAT GARCELLE AND SUTTON ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WE LIKE THIS SEASON?
We come back to Dorit screaming her head off at Garcelle because this is the second time she has cut her off. You know, as Dorit continues to cut her off. Garcelle has never raised her voice. Dorit is an angry privileged white woman who is making her self look even worse than usual. And suddenly, Andy asks where they are and they both lie and say they are fine with each other?
Oh Hey! Let’s Move On To Lisa Rinna And Garcelle
I really hope this is editing because if it is not Garcelle needs a tequila break. Because Andy moves swiftly into the next member of the Fucking Fucktard Fiasaco to come for her. They were friends for 20 years until Garcelle came on the show and totally fucked her over. That’s not what friend do. Garcelle says she didn’t trust Rinna’s intentions about the birthday party she had for her. I thought that was very nice of Rinna. But, Garcelle has know her longer. Even Crystal says the birthday party was very genuine. But really, Garcelle thanked everyone properly. Why is this a thing?
Erika keeps trying to get into this conversation for some reason. I guess because people stopped paying attention to her and it isn’t all about her. Erika asks if Garcelle is trying to punish Rinna because of what Rinna did to Denise (Garcelle’s friend). Andy asks what she expected of Rinna. She basically said, not much. But at the lip kit party she thought that when Dorit came for her Rinna might have at least half heartedly defended her. Rinna says she didn’t because she was on Dorit’s side.
Garcelle Goes All In
Garcelle then drops a bombshell. She said that someone came to her and said that Rinna was telling people that Garcelle should have never brought race into the show. That the show was not about race. Wow. Rinna says she would never say that. Garcelle replies, “I don’t know that.” Neither do I Garcelle. Rinna says that Garcelle has it out for her and she wants to know why. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? RINNA HAS TREATED GARCELLE LIKE GUM ON HER SHOE ALL SEASON! BTW, Kyle has said three words so far. Oh my blood pressure. I keep thinking of the olden days when people drowned kittens in a bag on some movie or something. I’m just saying.
And we thought the first three episodes would be boring leading up to the big finale? Not this year. After the break Garcelle said the same thing that I did. Rinna is trying to turn things around on Garcelle. Rinna says Garcelle was so shitty to HER all season? She is saying Garcelle didn’t come to her? SHE DID COME TO HER. IT WAS ON CAMERA. She told her she felt like she didn’t have her back! WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK PLANET IS RINNA ON! Garcelle says that after she was on WWHL and said that Denise would come back if Rinna was gone, Rinna sent her a texts attacking her for “threatening her job.”
Rinna moves over to Garcelle to try to make amends. And Dorit has the line of the night, “She just wanted to show off her outfit.” Garcelle and Rinna hug it out. But can you imagine going on a show where your friend of twenty years is on the mean girl team that talks shit about you all season? Garcelle, your heart is much bigger than my cold, black one.
KATHY HILTON IS IN THE BUILDING Y’ALL!
After a VERY much needed commercial, Kathy Hilton is on set. And her dress that y’all didn’t like is much cuter sitting down. And she is bringing the receipts. Andy asks Kyle about her broken nose. And I saw her on The Kelly Clarkson show where she talked about breaking her nose on the set of Halloween Kills (available this Friday in Theatres and on Peacock). Find that interview with Kelly Clarkson if you can she had to do a lot of dangerous shit on that set. Kathy apparently had one of the scary Halloween characters freak her out on the way to filming. AKA, movie promo.
Apparently we are going back to talk to Erika again to be sure we are going to tune in to part two. Totally unnecessary. With all the lawyers with eyeballs on this show right now and especially the Edelson attorney who has all of the raw footage subpoenaed, the rating will be wild. Andy says that he thought it was weird that Tom had not read her book. He thought that was weird. Erika says all wives protect their husbands. Or something like that. MMMHMMM. Erika says that she doesn’t give Tom a pass for not seeing her in Chicago. Especially because he was in DC and “never bothered to come to NYC.” With regard to the “cheating” (I’ve been saying for years that they have an “arrangement” and are free to have relations outside their marriage.) She claims she told Tom if he is in love with someone else, then divorce her and go be with him.
Next time, Erika plays the victim. Garcelle is on WWHL so I will watch that and comment in the comment sections if needed.