It’s time for a Vanderpump Rules recap and the tea is no one is watching Vanderpump Rules. The premiere episode that aired last week only had about 637,000 viewers. That is about half of what the previous season’s premiere had. I’m still shocked there is even a new season since everyone was let out of their contracts shortly after all the firings began. Then, apparently, they decided to cobble something together. In other ratings news, things are shockingly bad for RHOSLC as well. Even a felon by bravo can’t seem to get their ratings out of the gutter. Perhaps things will pick back up with that once the episodes are all filmed after the arrest. I’m dying to get to that road trip.
Anyway, on to this crap show. lol. I admit, I do love the Toms. Lala kind of ruins this show. We start with Brock and the Toms at a cycling class. Swartz is discussing the ratio of thigh to dick ratio. Brock doesn’t like the name Swartz and Sandy’s. Neither does anyone else, but that is the final name. I would have gone with Tom Foolery personally. Sandoval is pissed at Katie. Everyone should be pissed at Katie just on general principal. Next, it is time for the pointless LVP scene and apparently Ariana drew the short straw. As someone with kinky hair, I am jealous of Ariana’s stick straight hairdo tonight. Oh! Tom and Ariana have mortgaged there house for the bar. Wow. Really dumb move. And Ariana thinks she is immune. She’s not.
James Kennedy stops by to visit Sandoval at his house. The group is going to Palm Springs and James is going to propose to Raquel. Sandoval is planning the entire event. They are recreating Coachella for her because she loves it so much. Raquel’s family hates him so when he went to ask her father he suggested perhaps he could just throw him in a ditch. LOL. I agree with her family. That said, if not for Raquel, James would probably not be alive right now. Somehow she keeps him on the straight and narrow.
Delusions Of Relevance
I know so little about California, EVEN THOUGH I WAS CONCEIVED THERE! lol, that I am not really sure where they are going, but I THINK it is Palm Springs. Forgive me Californians. YES! I was right! Lala thinks she is going to be on the NYT best seller list. All of these ghost written books by Bravo morons should not be considered at all. Lala also thinks she was not the aggressor in her altercations with Ariana. She’s beyond delusional. Sandoval tells LVP about James proposing to Raquel on the trip. Because, the Toms both can’t stop acting like gossipy old women. Also, LVP needs to take some flower arranging lessons. Swartz admits that he is the one who hates the name of the restaurant.
Someone needs to get Katie some help with her jewelry. Finally we get to Palm Springs. The place is beautiful and Katie starts bitching immediately. Lala and Randall have their own house and she brought the baby. Oh wow. Lala did not make the NYT bestsellers list. She also thinks she is a published author. I’m still trying to get to know Charli. She’s weird. So in other words she fits right in. I’m also trying to cook while writing a recap and I don’t have the mental capacity for that. Everyone is having fun because Lala is not there yet. Charli plans to come for her. Good luck with that, new girl. I mean I am rooting for you but … Lala is a guttersnipe.
You Better Work, Work It Girl…
Lala arrives to the house with Randall. Doesn’t he have a job somewhere? Brock and Scheana arrive and I can’t really explain what Brock is wearing. Perhaps he is going for a Samari warrior vibe? I feel like this would be a good show to watch on acid. Because, it always kind of feels like an acid trip to me. Is it me or are Ariana and Scheana both dressed like elves on a shelf? They have a very weird walk off. I must admit that Sandoval can in fact work a run way. Next, we work our way to a showdown between Ariana and Lala. I hope Ariana wipes the floor with her ignorant, trashy ass. But first, drunken Randall seems really pissed he was not asked to invest in Tomfoolery. Err. I mean Schwartz and Sandy. Schwartz has no idea what the concept of the bar is.
James talks about how he can no longer work at SUR because he trashed LVP’s son. He realized he fucked up. Everyone is very supportive of him. Suddenly, Lala sees an opening to come for the new girl, Charli. Clearly she is not happy she has a role on the show now. Remember how everyone treated you like shit when your ho ass first arrived at SUR? Now you want to do that to someone else who is for all we know just a sweet kid who is not sucking dick for money? IJS. I need Charli to just beat Lala’s house. Terry Bradshaw ad for his show is adorable. Charli shares stories about childhood abuse over eating. It’s heartbreaking. Somehow, Lala and Charli hug it out.
Next time: It’s the Pickleball Open (/groan) and Brock explains why he was cut off from his children. Also, It’s time for the big proposal. And I guess I will watch fucking WWHL and comment if anything interesting happens. As always, thanks so very much for reading.