It’s the most wonderful night, of the year! No, not because of the RHOBH recap. Because it is Survivor night, and most importantly, the two hour finale of Big Brother! It’s been such a great season. I’ve ordered in delivery! A cobb salad for tomorrow (and probably the next day because it is huge), and for tonight a BLT flatwich with fries! I cannot wait for them to get here. I’m hungry! I ate food yesterday and my body is like, “Hey, maybe we could get back to eating food everyday?” In other news, Wednesday DVRing is a PITA and I already have two Wednesday shows I have to watch on Saturdays On Demand from Wednesdays alone BECAUSE BRAVO WANTS TO ATTACH STUPID SHIT TO THE END OF ALL THE HOUSEWIVES SHOWS!
Sutton Isn’t Going To Play Fancy Drew, Anymore
Tonight on RHOBH, Kathy shares a interesting place she has had sex. YAY! And Erika Girardi cries poor to Kyle. I’m sure we will all cry through that. In case you missed it Tom Girardi told a reported that “I think she knew.” Click here for that video and the heated debates in comments about Tom’s mental health. My opinion has changed. The group is still in Del Mar and I believe this is the finale. Erika Girardi announced recently that the reunion will be four episodes and then wrote, “You’re Welcome.” She tries to make people hate her more. My source confirmed is a four episode reunion and that no plans have been discussed for next season just yet. Of course there will always be rumors but it is way too soon for that. The Bravo suits still undecided about the RHOA cast after all this time. They are not good with decisions.
All the ladies except for Erika who is not attending for some reason go to a cable car ride through a winery for wine tasting. They are drinking a TON of wines. Kyle and Rinna catch the ladies on all of Erika Jayne’s Tall Tales. Rinna keeps saying these are all true stories. She found out this morning Tom’s Brother was okayed to put him in and adult care facility. Sutton questions how Erika knows all of this. Rinna of course comes for her (I love Rinna but I am starting to believe some of you with conspiracy theories about her). The line of the night comes only 8 minutes in with Sutton says, ” I’m not going to place Fancy Drew anymore. I’m going to let Scooby Doo and Shaggy handle it.” Referring of course to Kyle and Rinna. Crystal breaks down over her deceased father’s dementia and buys everyone a bottle of wine.
WAIT NOW? Queen Of The Low Road Says What?
Back at the resort Kyle mocks Sutton again both to her face and again in her talking head. Big mistake. HUGE. Kyle’s nasty little digs over the seasons were sometimes funny. But, her treatment of Sutton is abhorrent. Production keeps showing how none of Erika’s Tall Tales make any sense. Sutton is the only one with a brain in her head. Kathy isn’t feeling well and is not going to whatever is next. Sutton foot is hurting so she is going to bed and watch a movie and elevate it.
Erika arrives on scene in head to toe hot pink latex. Rinna arrives in vintage Norma Kamali full length puffer coat. Dorit arrives in I dunno, footy pajamas and a tool belt? I thought Sutton went to bed but she arrives on the sidewalk using the elevator because she is on a scooter due to her foot. Erika remarks, “Taking the low road I see?” What a hypocritical cunt she is. Pure trash. At dinner, Erika says that she’s decided that “Tom has done so much good for so many people, that someone can step up and help him right now. Why is my kid there?” Because he obviously fell far from the tree, rolled five hundred yards and became a decent human being because you weren’t around to infect him in his early years?
The Lies! The Lies!
Erika is in a very good mood as she is telling these lies. She’s kind of giggling during the whole version 12.5 of the Tall Tales. I’m feeling all Kandi Burruss about it and I am not even there. Meanwhile she is talking about her son calling to ask if she is living next to Armie Hammer and if she if fucking him. She’s cursing a lot and laughing. She says her son is getting so tires of her and her life and her disasters. Aren’t we all, kid. Aren’t we all. Everyone is laughing like she’s doing a comedy skit. This whole scene is bizarre. Everyone is shitfaced except for Garcelle and Sutton. They keep looking at he other with a face that says, “Is this really happening?”
Kyle turns to Garcelle in the Mayhem and says, “And now Sutton is not talking.” STFU, Kyle ! Crystal has not said ten words all season. When Garcelle or Sutton talk the rest of you bitches gang up on them. Y’all even have your own mean girls tag on Twitter that trends every Wednesday night. Just just your pie hole. Then, Kyle says to Sutton, “Kitty Kat Got Your Tongue?” No, bitch, Sutton and Garcelle are in stunned silence over the insanity they are watching. As is your pal Crystal. If they open their mouths the beatdown is coming. The only people talking to Erika are Kyle, Dorit, and Rinna. And boy are the three of them good a rim jobs. Perhaps Erika gives lessons?
Erika makes some sort of shit -rapped-into-a-backhanded comment to Sutton about paying the rent on her store. Sutton meant that her store that just opened was supporting the rent. God these women are angry bitches. Erika’s very strange tax returns by the way claim that her LLC (the one for prostitution and/or “singing”? ) lost $25 million dollars in a three year period or so. With zero profits. That is what the government calls a very expensive hobby. It’s also taxable income, bitch! Kyle goes right back to rimming Erika’s butthole and talking about Broadway. Girl, Please. Erika, who I fully believe was high as a kite, stole Sutton’s medical scooter and rolled around on it.
The next morning the sane people, Garcelle and Sutton sat on Sutton’s balcony and tried to make sense of the night before. The were shocked that Erika talked to Sutton and they don’t by her motivation. Garcelle says just see what the day brings. Meanwhile, Erika is apparently traveling with two assistants to do her hair and makeup. I am shocked. No really I am, she has looked like a hot pile of shit all season. Rinna calls Sutton. THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN A MILLION YEARS WITHOUT PRODUCTION. So Garcelle and Sutton start talking really loudly about Erika. How convenient that Erika overhears. They were not saying anything bad about her at all.
Please God, Let It End
I hope to hell the last thirty minutes of this DVR is fucking WWHL and not an extended episode. I want this to be over. Lord hear our prayer. I’m skipping over the early morning exercise crap. Oh wait. That is the part where Erika Girardi claims she has zero dollars while sipping champange as her glam squad awaits in her room and she is making mid to high six figures on this season. This episode just makes me angry. WAIT WHAT!??? Kyle mentions the victims in a talking head? Nice to wait until the finale when Erika won’t see it until right before the reunion. That’s why she goes in saying Rinna is her only friend.
You know what you should do with bitches who hate each other? Put them on a boat. Bravo got Brian Malarkey from Top Chef to cater this disaster. Erika gives Sutton a fake half-assed apology that she doesn’t believe. Erika says in her talking head that she still hates Sutton. She just doesn’t want to ruin the boat ride? She didn’t care about Kathy Hilton’s dinner or the whole fucking season? The reason she hates Sutton is because she got out of her marriage with more money than Erika got lying on her back the last 23 years. And it’s all hers. And here businesses turn profits. Also she is a member of high society in multiple cities Sucks to be you, Erika. On the boat, Crystal apologizes to Sutton and they hug it out.
Never Have I Ever…
A game of Never Have I Ever beings with Garcelle who says, “Never have I Ever Stolen Anything…” God, I love Garcelle. Garcelle is shocked when Sutton drinks after Never Have I Ever Had Anal Sex. The people who didn’t drink are all liars except maybe Crystal. All these other women have been around several blocks. Dorit’s Never Have I Every had sex in an airplane bathroom. Erika of course has and so has Kyle and also Dorit. Kathy’s was “Had sex in a doctor’s office. Kathy Hilton drinks and so does Erika. Kyle says being a freak in the sheets is genetic. No one admits using a strap-on on a man.
OMG THERE IS ANOTHER EPISODE. These take me so long to recap! And tonight I was rushing to get to the Big Brother finale. And my brain was typing in slow motion.
Thoughts on this episode?