Um Good morning? Banjo and I were up late last night and by late I mean all night? So when I woke up to take him out at 8:15 it took me a minute to realize it was nighttime and not morning. So, I shall be bringing you this RHOP Recap while sound asleep.
I know RHOP is most everyone’s favorite franchise, but I just can’t get into it. Mostly, because of Candiace and the new and definitely not improved “Zen Wen.” Sigh. ANYWAY, we begin this episode with all the ladies except for new mother Ashley in Williamsburg arguing around a dinner table. How refreshing. So, you are getting half asleep cranky Tamara for this recap. Karen and Gizelle are rehashing old drama. Why is Candiace trying to moderate catfight? They do not need her help. Neither one of them want to reconcile with the other. Why do they have to be friends?
The Haves And The Have Nots.
The ladies finally separate into their separate houses. We get the same scripted luggage issues we get on every single franchises. Ashley is at home taking professional photos with her newest baby and Michael. Michael reminds us that Juan (his man crush) is never going to marry Robyn. I like Michael. There I Said It. #UnpopularOpinion. Meanwhile back at the
ranch Manor, Zen Wen has purchased an entire Versace ensemble to show off her entirely new body. Because, well I don’t know why. I never get this over dressing for dinner at home when I am wide awake let alone when I am watching this mess with one half closed eyeball. It is what it is.
In other news this Askale girl is gorgeous. Even better, she has “Candiace’s replacement” written all over her. In other unpopular opinion news, I really like the green eyed bandits. I can’t help myself. And these too are full of shade for the new Zen Wen and I am here for it. They have no idea what caused Zen Wen to have a full body makeover. They briefly touch on the cheating rumors regarding her husband. As if they don’t both have rumors going around about their men. The only one with no cheating rumors is Brown Dick and he of all people actually needs to be getting it somewhere else.
After everyone separates into the haves and the have nots, they all hook back up for dinner at the main house. It’s time for everyone to get a gander at Zen Wen’s look. But first, someone has to let the Have Nots in the front door. I admit, Zen Wen’s body is amazing. The Versace is amazing. The enormous amount of attention seeking is not. Candiace gives everyone “welcome gifts.” Why do I feel like this is going to be shady and/or obnoxious. Oh look, it is robes and head condoms! Or something. YAY!? Apparently, they need the head condoms for an upcoming water aerobics. Karen thinks water aerobics is for “old ass people.” I used to think the same until I took an Old Ass People Aerobics class and thought I was going to die in the pool.
Oh at least they are going out for dinner. Maybe Zen Wen is looking for her next ex-husband. One thing I do like about these women is all of them are very respectful of the wait staff at restaurants. They all actually have manners when they feel like using them as opposed to some other franchises cough RHONY cough. Candiace talks about how the gender roles are reversed in her marriage. And about how Brown Dick is her manager. Gizelle thinks that Brown Dick might be riding her coat tails. Robyn opens up about her depression. Only I don’t think she realizes that is what it is. I struggle with the same thing. Am I really suffering from mental illness? Or am I just lazy? Then I take a four hour nap. I get the struggle, Robin. Gizelle is basically kicking Robyn while she is down.
Zen Wen’s Boobs Get Bigger In Every Scene
Look at this photo of Wendy from the last reunion. Explain to me why this woman thought she needed tens of thousands of dollars in dangerous elective surgery? She must be the most insecure person in the world. The ladies try to bring this up to her. They are being really kind about it. But, still. Something is going on with her. The ladies try to talk some sense into Wendy. Candiace thinks it is just fine. Because, she’s a fool. Wendy tries to say that professors don’t have to stay professional. I’ve been a professor and and teacher and in both jobs, at least in Georgia there is a “moral turpitude” clause in the contract.
Are we really going to divide teams this season over Zen Wen’s body issues? Also, she needs to learn that Versace does not make tops for large breasted women. You can’t just wear them anyway and the the puppies hang over the tops. IJS. OOOH Askale wants in on this and brings up Pastor Holy Whore. I guess she is going to be team Karen and Wendy. Wow. Gizelle says she will not discuss Pastor Holy Whore in front of Karen. I want to be team Green Eyed Bandits. But, I’ll be damned if I am not on the side of Karen, Candiace and Askale in this conversation. I hate when that happens.
Whose side are you on? The next morning Karen tells Zen Wen that “Gizelle has been wiggliing her fat vagina (um I thought fat vaginas were a good thing? Am I wrong?) at us for years. Wendy is hurt that Gizelle said she has a lack of substance. Next week is synchronized swimming. I am not making this up. Again sorry for the delay. I’m sort of on Banjo’s schedule.