By Guest Recapper Nanette
This week’s Married To Medicine recap could be subtitled Sex, Lies, and Videotape. It abounds with all three. Our Quote o’ Night is from Heavenly: “Ain’t seen too many coochies in my lifetime. Mine is more colorful and beautiful and flower-y.” Meanwhile, Contessa is feeling under the weather. Yep. It’s covid. Contessa says working in the medical field, it’s not IF you get covid, it’s WHEN. Or maybe it’s those lame-ass shields all y’all were wearing long after we non-medical folk knew they were pretty useless. So all of our ladies have to isolate for 14 days. Dr. Jackie made (medical) vagina videos (hence, Heavenly’s coochie comment). Spoiler: Toya shopped online. Simone chides her oldest son for not checking on her and bringing her groceries. None of the other ladies or husbands got covid. Heavenly hosts a Zoom get-together. Everyone but Toya shows up, leaving Heavenly free to rip her.
Contessa visits Quad and picks her mind about the signs that a man is dealing with a midlife crisis. Scott is almost 50; Quad’s ex began “cutting up,” aka cheating, when he was 52. Quad says to get prepared. Contessa feels Scott is getting back at her for going off to school in Nashville. Maybe it’s that she made the decision to do it without consulting him. Toya visits Lisa Nicole. Lisa spills the Zoom meeting tea. Like Heavenly going off on Toya’s finances. Again. Toya is puzzled that Heavenly and Quad are stuck on that. Curtis has honed his “mixology” skills during the shutdown. Over cocktails, he confesses to Simone that leaving son Michael at college and having son Miles living away was tough. But losing their dog, Sam, unexpectedly was the toughest. He brought Sam to the vet; he didn’t get to bring him home. I love Cecil.
Pirate Penises And Landlubber Lies
Jackie has done everything right for this party, except the crappy face shields. This is the first time the ladies have gathered since isolation. Toya is MIA. Jackie has a surprise. It’s a self-love party! Back in my day, they were called “fuckerware” parties. Heavenly pulls the prude card. This from the “coochie confessor.” Jackie’s friend Neesy is presenting the wares. Another surprise! Neesy is a scrub nurse by day, and video porn star, “Pleasure,” by night. The ladies are somewhat shocked. This middle-aged black woman with shorn gray hair does not fit the porn-star stereotype. As the ladies prepare for the “main event,” Anila tells Simone how she heard from people in their tennis set that Toya is talking shit about her. Is this recurring theme Married to Medicine Musical Chairs? Seems someone always is on the hot seat over money rumors. And Heavenly usually controls the record player.
Talk turns to penises. The ladies share a fondness for a “hooked penis.” Jackie informs us that it’s called Peyronie’s Disease. The women are not talking about the painful severe curvature disorder, just a little natural “bend.” Quad says “there ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little Capt. Hook, girl. It hits the G-spot.” Lisa Nicole calls out Heavenly for ripping Toya’s finances. Just as Toya magically appears! Toya cozies up to pal Anila. Toya, playing dumb, asks Anila what’s wrong. Anila tells her she is pissed about Toya talking shit about her. Toya denies it. But we saw tennis pal Zaina confirming it. Someone is lying. Anila goes back to when Toya told her on the bus to pay the makeup people. But Anila brought it up! Because they dared invoice her for services. Weeks later, she still hasn’t paid them! Toya tells Anila she sounds crazy. They make up.
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Pleasure tells the ladies to rate their sex level on cards. She awards prizes, based on the numbers. Jackie is first, with #7. She gets a battery-operated tongue. Quad, a #8, gets a triple ball thing that can go in either end. Lisa Nicole, with a #7, gets a butt plug. With #7, Simone gets a hotel desk bell encased in Plexiglass engraved “Ring for Sex.” WTF? That seems like a #2! Contessa put down #10. Her gift is a purple satin collar, leash, and cat o’ nine tails. Pleasure whips her. But, Heavenly gets the best present EVER! For everyone else! It’s a dog bone gag. Heavenly thinks it’s a necklace. Pleasure explains it goes in the mouth. It’s a “form of simple bondage.” No one can believe the perfection of the gift! Jackie probably told Pleasure what to give everyone. So, only hers was a surprise.
Heavenly’s Siberian huskies greet Quad at the door. After Quad torments 15-year-old Alaura about teenage stuff, Heavenly pulls a meal she “made” from the oven. Cut to flashback of Heavenly unpacking it from takeout cartons. So, we know that these ladies take a perverse pride in pretending to cook. It is as much a ritual as the “best room” fights. But, c’mon, Heavenly, you do NOT put the fork in the oven, too! It burns Quad’s fingers. Whatever. They wonder what is going on with Toya. She entered that party “quiet as a church mouse on cotton,” Quad says. They think she is dissing Anila over money problems because, as Quad’s mother used to say, “You’re smelling yourself.” Who knew Quad was such a font of folk wisdom? Then, they rip Toya for ripping Anila over money, as they rip Toya’s money situation.
On Next week’s Married To Medicine Recap: Simone gives son Miles a budget ultimatum; Contessa opens a new business, but it’s the same old shit with Scott; Quad invites everyone to a game party; Toya gets called out over past social media comments about Quad’s home.