Can anyone explain why the Bravo suits thought we needed a three part reunion for this dismal season? I struggled to get through part two. This is one of those RHOA recaps that just seems like a chore. Reunions are usually highly anticipated episodes. But, if I had to drink every time some says Bolo, I’d have alcohol poisoning. Let’s get on with this ordeal. Maybe something interesting will come up. Oh, and Mama Joyce’s Streets are talking about Porsha. The word is, that Porsha is hooking up with Falynn’s soon to be ex-husband. I have no idea if this is true. I mention it because it is probably the only interesting thing to contemplate tonight.
The Lies! The Lies! Part 487!
Well, here we go again, one more time. We get straight to the only storyline of the season. Bolo. Less than a minute in the drinking game would knock me on my ass. I wish Porsha would have just said, “yeah, I fucked Bolo. And?”. Lots of questions coming down on Kenya for outing Porsha and Tanya. Then Marlo busts out with “Kandi told me the next day what went down.” Why does everyone try to throw Kandi under the bus? Kandi was trying to mind her business. Making a comment or two to the girls off camera is one thing. She had no desire to broadcast other people’s sexual activity on TV. How is that so hard to understand?
Marlo’s half-nekkid look is not flattering her at all. Kandi is getting irritated by Marlo. Marlo says that the reason the reunion theme is Dungeon this season is because Porsha lied. Porsha gets up and struts around the set saying everything here is because of her. This is going to be a long hour of nothing. Then we flashback to Porsha saying that Kandi tried to drug her and take her to a dungeon. Kenya says that lie is how the whole dungeon situation came to be. I should point out that Kandi used that annoying situation to make money on her highly successful dungeon tours. Porsha and Kenya get into it over who is the biggest liar. That’s a hard call. Kenya says she kept calling people out because Porsha called her a liar. She’s never lied about anyone on the show. Do we believe that?
My Ears Hurt
[Insert Porsha and Kenya screaming at each other for the same old shit her]. Andy asks Kandi if she is fully reconciled with Porsha about the lies she told about her four years ago. She says she feels like she is in a good place but there will always be some level of hesitancy with Porsha. Porsha is super upset that they keep bringing up what she did to Kandi four years ago to make her look bad. But Andy directly asked Kandi the question and they rolled four year old footage of it!
Andy finally moves on to Kenya and Marlo’s relationship. Kenya says she trusts Marlo. Marlo says she doesn’t trust Kenya 100%. Kenya has invited Marlo to her house outside of filming and Marlo has declined the invitation. Cynthia opens her mouth for what feels like the first time in three episodes to say that Marlo doesn’t trust anyone 100%. Everyone agrees. Porsha says Marlo is just trying for camera time. Marlo keeps coming for Porsha. She has told Porsha twice she needs lipo. Now she tells her she has big horse teeth. Why is Marlo so pressed about Porsha.
Drew Wants To Pray In The Middle Of The Reunion
Kenya says she didn’t leak the story to Page Six. But, no one believes her. NO. ONE. Porsha says she is still a loyal friend to Tanya Sam. Kenya seems to claim that Porsha was the one who got Tanya to go back into the bedroom with Bolo. WHY.ARE.WE.STILL.TALKING.ABOUT.THIS!!!??? Literally no one cares who hooked up with Bolo. Now it’s time to talk about, “The Prophet.” Now Drew wants to pray before talking about The Prophet. Good Lord. Really?
Drew claims that now she has no support from any of the “prophets” in Atlanta. I could write a book on the pastors of Megachurches in Atlanta. They are all corrupt. In my opinion, megachurches should not exist at all. Take that money and disperse it through poor communities for them to have a church and provide them with outreach programs to help the people. Instead, they just all fly private planes and tool around in expensive cars while wearing expensive jewelry. That not what Jesus would do. This whole conversation is ridiculous. Kandi says she hates when people use religion to explain away bad behavior. Prophet Lotte denies having a relationship with Latoya. Drew now thinks he is a false prophet. I believe they all are.
Makeups & Breakups
Everybody is pissed that Drew brought a gag gift to the $1,000 gift exchange. Drew admits that she knew she was in trouble when she saw the other gifts. Suddenly, Latoya and Drew act like the want to mend their relationship. Drew won’t have to worry about Latoya any more. She’s done. Porsha and Kenya are so not going to make up. Drew says Kenya was so horrible to her and never gave her a chance. Kenya calls everyone liars. Again. Shamea chimes in to say she is Porsha’s best friend, but she is not a lap dog. Porsha tells Marlo to go back to jail. Porsha says she needs security when she leaves because Marlo is dangerous. What happened to Marlo calming the fuck down when she started raising her nephews?
Marlo, Shamea and Latoya are all excused from the stage leaving only the peach holders behind. Andy asked them what they learned this season Cynthia says she learned not to think anything for granted. Kandi said basically the same thing “tomorrow is not promised.” Kenya says she is working on learning what the best thing for her child is (regarding custody I guess.). Drew says she has been working on healing her marriage. Healing with her son’s father and healing in the world. Porsha says that she is learning about really “becoming Porsha.” Everyone says it has been a hard year. Andy serves everyone a crab cake.
I’m off to watch Naked and Afraid XL to erase this entire season from my mind.