Can you guys believe this is the last Summer House recap? With a Lisa Rinna single tear, I shall type this last recap. We left off last week with Kyle walking off the set. But, Lindsay is able to calm him down and bring him back. Andy moves on to Carl. We are treated to a fuckboy Carl package. He’s evolved and changed some of his ways. He and his family are still grieving the tremendous loss of his brother. So, it’s forced him to face his relationship with alcohol. Captain Lee reached out to Carl because he lost his son to addiction and wanted to help Carl cope. Carl thanks Kyle for getting through a rough patch. He thinks of Kyle as a brother. Everyone is in tears. I am now ugly crying. Damn it! I cannot send enough love and prayers to him and his family.
Pub Crawl Fight Club
Kyle and Amanda are so proud of Carl. Carl says he’s in the best place he’s ever been in currently. He says he has no issues working for an alcohol company. He feels power in admitting he doesn’t drink, so it’s not an issue. They revisit the fight between Luke, Carl and Kyle. Lindsay’s epic ROTC body block training is highlighted. Carl is embarrassed that his drinking got that out of control.
Ciara says that Luke was giving mixed signals by texting her late at night, which was the crux of the fight. Lindsay said there weren’t mixed signals as Luke made it clear he wanted to be with her. I think Ciara’s point was that he was texting both her and Hannah, which was misleading. She didn’t really get that point across. Danielle gets a best friend award for offering a hand job in order to calm Carl down.
Shovel That Bullshit Elsewhere, Ma’am
Next, all the Summer House relationships are revisited. Danielle and Robert are now living together. Danielle feels like he’s the one! So happy for her. Paige and Perry broke up to absolutely no one’s surprise. Lindsay and Stravy broke up as well. Finally. The stupid Instagram psychic storyline is brought up. Lindsay swears she and Luke never hooked up.
Lindsay says that Paige was maligning her character, which Paige denies. Danielle is pisssed and starts yelling at Paige. Paige is yelling at Lindsay. So, I have no clue what anyone is saying. Paige finally stops yapping so we can hear Danielle say that what Paige calls gossip is literal shit talk. YES! Now I love Paige gossiping as much as the next nosy bitch, but she’s gotten away with SO MUCH of it. Now, Danielle is taking no prisoners this reunion and IT IS GLORIOUS.
Breaking Through That Fourth Wall Like The Kool Aid Man
Hannah and Des are now engaged. Did we know there is a FIFTEEN YEAR age difference? Lindsay wants Hannah to take responsibility for making Luke look awful when she was already seeing Des. Hannah says that he invited her to Minnesota the summer before, so she thought they were more than friends. Ooooh here we find out why Hannah walks off the set! Luke says he has to break the 4th wall to say that he was told by producers to ask Hannah to go to Minnesota. Wow! Andy doesn’t believe it. Hannah storms off. Luke feels bad and apologizes to her. He says he would have invited her but he didn’t want to at that time. Damn, that’s harsh but I absolutely believe it. I get that these shows have to have drama but this was kind of cruel. I guess even the producers hate Hannah.
Hannah and Des having sex in the bathroom is next. Hannah takes zero responsibility for doing that to hurt Kyle and Amanda. She shrugs it off as a joke, which pisses everyone off. God she’s a shit person. We learn that when she got engaged, she had a People exclusive to tell the world. That’s why she didn’t’ tell her “friends” because, People first. . Kyle walks around in anger again. He’s tired of Amanda’s heart being hurt by someone who doesn’t care about anyone but herself. I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist. Paige says it’s hard to be in the middle of Amanda and Hannah. But, Paige wants Hannah to apologize to Amanda. Hannah gives some bullshit apology, which Amanda doesn’t buy. Amanda says she’s done with Hannah. Whoa. We end with Kyle and Carl being grateful for the show-and sandwiches for all.
WHAT A SEASON! God I’m so sad it’s over. Thank you to our fearless leader Tamara Tattles for allowing me this tremendous opportunity to meet you all and discuss the show we love so much. We have come from all walks of life to share our mutual anger towards Hannah. Is there anything more pure or beautiful? Thank you for your amazingly supportive comments. I will see you when Winter House premieres!