Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight’s Floribama Shore recap is a twofer. For some reason they are giving us two back to back episodes and there are no later showings (two bad signs). It makes me feel like we are the only ones watching this season! But I don’t care! I neeeeed my Floribama Shore. All the scripted shows and even this week’s Teen Mom!, have lots of triggering scenes. I need to watch Aimee say and so ridiculous things and a few imaginary drinking partners. That said, we are having tornados tonight and severe thunderstorms. This is me doing set ups at 6 pm. We shall see if we live and if the power stays on. Well, we lived until 8:30 but the worst won’t be here until after midnight. Probably. Who knows?
Man On The Run
We begin with the first episode with Gus sprinting out the door in the snow in nothing but sneakers, shorts and part of what used to be a shirt I presume. Nilsa calls Candace’s best friend Bethenny and invites her to Montana. The girls think they need more “feminine energy.” Of course this was production’s plan all alone to replace Kortni. But, let’s pretend like we don’t know how production works.
Meanwhile, Kirk and Codi join production in their search for Gus. They still have a microphone on him, but they have no idea where he is. How far could he go? They can hear him still running. The girls call Jeremiah in from his incessant wood chopping to tell him about the situation with Gus. He tells him he is not surprised. When Gus lived with Jeremiah and his brother, Josh, Josh caught him using his toothbrush. Gross! Has any ever heard of Gus’s Incredible Hulk shirt being called a back thong before? I’m southern and have lived in Rednecklandia before, and I have no clue. Gus apparently finally shut his microphone off.
Production Goes Into Full Emergency Mode
Production comes to the house to tell every that the situation in serious. Gus has been out in the cold with barely any clothing on. They are calling 911. When I was pulling photos tonight, I ran across something that said they are staying in the smallest town in Montana with a population of only 19 people. The cast all get dressed and head out to look for him. They are all super worried. I think they need to knock on all 19 doors. Update, it is Candace who is not worried at all and could care less what happens to him. Over a HAIRDRYER! Wouldn’t a normal person realize that everyone overreacted at this point?
Everyone is calling all the businesses and I guess houses asking if they have seen anyone come in a cut off shirt and shorts (It’s 15 degrees outside). No luck so far. Candace tells Aimee to call his brother Seth. So she does. Candace starts to get worried. It’s been a really long time. Nilsa is crying and driving a search van. Then Gus’s sister calls the house and Candace answers the phone. At first things go fine. But then Gus sister says that if anything happens to him she is going to beat Candace’s motherfucking ass.
Lost AND Found
Suddenly, we think they have found Gus, but there are actually two lunatics in shorts wandering around in Montana. Everyone has been searching for hours. Did Gus also steal Aimee’s hairbrush? Because she has been on camera for several hours and it looks like she has bedhead from two nights ago. The rest of the cast is out of places to look. Production shows up to say their (much larger than I expected) production team has been out looking for him all day and putting up fliers. Things just keep looking worse. But after the commercial they tell the cast that he has been found still wandering after five hours or so. He’s being checked out by medical for hypothermia and such. Then, he will have to quarantine.
Five minutes later, or so it seems, the usual stupidity resumes. Then, over dinner, we find out that Kirk knows what is really troubling Gus. If the others knew, they wouldn’t be so hard on him. But he can’t betray his confidence. Only Kirk and Codi seem to have any sympathy for someone who is clearly not well. Everyone else is ready to write him off. All they have for him is insults.
Bloody Mary Yoga
On the second episode, Gus calls the house to talk to Kirk. It’s a landline and in the living room so everyone can hear what Kirk said. He was kind but firm. The next morning we are back to the usual stupidity. Everyone is doing yoga. With bloody Marys. Somehow, Codi is the yogi and the bartender. Everyone is all zen in the Montana cabin. Sober pregnant Nilsa has already become the house mom. And by my observation, she is an excellent cook. Unlike Amy and her specialty, taco soup. Codi tells Jeremiah that Gus told him in the hot tub that Jeremiah and his brother Josh were not speaking after Jeremiah punched him. It seems they are speaking again. So now Jeremiah is pissed of at Gus again. Way to go, Codi.
Codi gets naked and poses on a bearskin by the pool table and waits for everyone to come downstairs for their reactions. Jeremiah loses a pool came and has to be Aimee’s butler for the day. So, her life is complete. Codi is Kirk’s butler for the day. His first demand was that he put on clothes. Then he got a foot massage.
An Injection Of Female Energy
Candace’s BFF Bethany arrives at the house. She is just in time for Amy’s taco soup, poor thing. And she is a cook. I’m not sure Amy’s taco soup is the best thing for people to eat before getting into the hot tub together. While everyone is in the hot tub, Codi woos Bethany with a naked-ass twerk. How romantic. Jeremiah snuggles up to Bethany. Aimee is wasted. It is the usual hot mess. Aimee’s quote for this drunken debauchery? “I feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie.”
Jeremiah and Bethany are up early to start breakfast. Why is Bethany putting the bacon straight on the aluminum foil rather than a rack? I thought she was the cook. Aimee and Nilsa decide to go for a walk. They make it about three feet away from the porch before deciding it’s way too cold so they decide to drive. That requires cleaning the snow off the van. They marvel at how people manage to survive in Montana. They go to a drive-thru and one of the many things the pregnant lady orders is dirt worms. What is that and who sells it? While these two secrets scarf down fast food, we learn that Aimee is physically and emotionally abusive to her boyfriend. I can see that.
The Calm Before The Storm
Brittany made a delicious meal of fried chicken, mac & cheese from scratch, and spinach. I bet even her spinach is good. These people are eating like kings and queens! Over dinner we learn that Candace was ostracized in high school. She lived and a trailer and didn’t have any money. As Kirk says that explains a lot about why Candace often feels attacked by the group when they aren’t attacking her. Everyone loves the food. Codi says it is the best meal he has eaten in years. I bet that was a gut punch to Nilsa. The guys in the house decide that they need to hold Gus accountable for his behavior and the negativity it brings in the house. Kirk tries to get Jeremiah to consider having a one on one conversation with Gus again. He is not willing to reconcile with Gus again. Next week, Gus returns.