It feels like it has been ages since the last RHONJ recap. I had to look at last week’s recap to remember where we left off. Tonight, it looks like the whole gang including husbands are doing down the shore. This will be a catastrophe. I can’t wait.
Jennifer Has A Rough Morning After
We start with Jennifer mopping up her own vomit from the night before. Jennifer on the show says she has learned her lesson about getting wasted. She also says it has never happened before. Um, it just happened at Jackie’s party! Also, on a recent WWHL she acted like the whole situation was a joke. I predict she gets wasted as soon as they get to the shore. Across town, Dolores’s daughter Gabby and four of her dogs are home for a visit because Dolores is getting an award for her charity work. Teresa calls Joe on the phone and it is then we found out that Teresa got everything in the divorce. Now Joe is doing construction in Italy and selling vibrators. Because of course he is.
Dolores is having some sort of super fancy party at David’s new house. She has purchased thousands of dollars worth of flowers. There is not a flat space that isn’t completely covered in flowers. And she has hired a private chef to make dinner. Oh she is throwing herself a party to celebrate her award. Everyone is there except for Teresa who is allegedly at a soccer match or something. Jennifer declines alcohol for water. This leads Melissa to catch Jackie up on Jennifer’s white girl wasted behavior at the pool party. Then, Melissa gets even messier and interrogates Jennifer about why she is not living in David’s gorgeous house. Melissa is being really snarky. And finally, we’re heading to the shore!
Another Dinner With Delores
We finally get to the Jersey Shore. Teresa and Jennifer will stay at Delores’ house that she has apparently had for decades. Jackie and Margaret will stay with Melissa. Dinner will be at Dolores’ house. Both houses are super nice. Speaking of houses, Teresa gets a call from a realtor to tell her he is showing the house the next day. Teresa and her girls are emotional about selling the house.
When everyone gets to Dolores’ house, Teresa has presents for all of the women. Vibrators from Joe Giudice! When Joe was on the phone with Teresa he referred to the as the Rolls Royce of vibrators. They do seem to have quite the um motor on them. Theresa says to Jackie, “It’s kind of big, so I don’t know if you can fit it up your ass, but maybe you should try it.” This is Teresa responding to Jackie telling her to take the olive branch and stick it up your ass. Or something. This is two housewives recaps in a row where anal sex has been mentioned at a dinner party.
Can’t We All Just Eat In Peace?
The food looks amazing. Margaret asks Teresa if she is emotional about selling the house. Teresa says she is. She also finalized her divorce. So she has a lot of emotional stuff going on. Then, Teresa seems to come after her brother. He and Dolores were both worried that Joe would come after her money in the divorce and he didn’t. She feels like her brother should apologize. Joe is pissed because Joe Giudice put out an article implying the his marriage to Melissa is fake and that Joe Gorga isn’t helping out Teresa or the girls.
Melissa tells Teresa that she is ruining their nice dinner. Teresa tells her to shut up. Joe says he is done talking about Joe Giudice. Margaret tells Teresa that everyone is always worried she is going to flip out on someone. Or that Jackie will start crying.
Teresa Can’t Let Anything Go
Just when it looks like Teresa is going to STFU and let everyone eat in peace, she tells Margaret about what her husband said at there boy’s night out. Joe said he had heard the rumor about Evan too. Margaret starts interrogating her husband who has opted to deny the whole thing. Then Jennifer jumps in and says he is lying. Margaret tells Jennifer to STFU and a screaming match ensues. Teresa has screamed at everyone at the table except for Jennifer and Dolores.
Just when you think it is going to die down, Teresa returns to jabbing at Jackie. At one point, she tells Jackie that she doesn’t want to hang around her because she only likes hanging around confident people. Teresa says that she, herself is a very confident person. Jackie has finally had enough and says, “Did you get that confidence in jail?” Teresa calls Jackie a nasty bitch. That’s some major projecting there. Joe and Melissa keep trying to get Teresa to stop being a nasty bitch to Jackie. But, Teresa has no civility whatsoever in her entire body. Teresa storms off and then flips of Joe and Melissa and tells them to go fuck themselves. She’s pissed at them for letting Jackie stay at their house.
To Be Continued… And the next day Evan is coming to spend a night. Oh crap, Teresa is on WWHL I guess I’ll hit the highlights here. Basically, Teresa is madly in love with Louie. She sees them getting married in the future. She is lying about everything. For example, she has said several times tonight she never called Melissa a stripper. There was an entire season of her doing that multiple times an episode. She says that she heard the rumor about Evan from someone on the show. I don’t believe her.