If I live much longer you should buy stock in paper products liked tissues and toilet paper. Yesterday, today? I made a bit of progress on my taxes. But as all of you know (more than you want to) my anxiety issues are getting worse. I probably need to go to a shrink for some meds. I think I just need hugs. I come from a decent sized family and it was always nice to hug them on holidays, If I ever get to do that again, I am going to hug them for a lot longer. I just became able to get the vaccine I think so I need to go get it and see if I can be invited.
I keep having weird dreams about being back in the school where I am supposed to be teaching and they have all these odd rules. Not about Covid. It you ever worked in public schools you know every time you come back from summer suddenly all the things we were told not to do before are the things we are doing this year. You know, for the churren. So I am there preparing my room which I loved doing trying to get it ready. And I don’t know what grade level it is for. And I know I am already retired from this. And I am not sure how to tell them that I am done. I am not sure why I am back there.
Then I wake up to The Kardashians on my fucking TV. I’m pretty sure the don’t miss who is still teaching. But I wake up in the middle of the night asking what grade I am teaching this year.
PRAY FOR OUR TEACHERS.
My students started hybrid at the beginning of this month. I return in exactly 2 weeks from maternity leave. I haven’t taught in person in over a year. Not only am I devastated about leaving my first born but the idea of going back with all the new procedures is incredibly overwhelming. I get my second vaccine next week so there’s that, but I am still very nervous. It’s the weirdest feeling ever. I miss my students and teaching, but damn I’m unsettled with it all – especially a newborn.
Congrats on the baby and yay for getting the vaccine! I can tel you that at my daughter’s school (Georgia based) the parents have been overwhelmingly gracious and appreciative for everything the teachers are going through right now. We communicate with each other more than ever and I feel like a real bond has been formed. It’s like a new appreciation for both sides – parents and teachers alike. It’s easy to say, but difficult to do but try to give yourself some grace as a teacher and a mom. I always say that if I can get 3 things done each day then that is enough (and typically the best I can do). Good luck and I bet you’re going to do great!
Kelly, I’ve thought a lot about what I would do if I was teaching next door. I am thankful I don’t have to make that decision. I still miss my kids years after teaching. I used to really miss my kids in the summer. I have it seem always had some issues with memory. My boyfriend at the time would remind me ever summer that I would say that was the best group of kids ever, and then in the Fall, I’d be fine and in love with a brand new group.
Your situation is one that I don’t envy and you have to go with whatever is best for you. Sending lots of prayers your way.
Kelly, congratulations on your new baby! It is so hard to leave them! My good friend is a middle school teacher and she is in hell. She has to stand still to teach the virtual kids but she also has kids in front of her, and they have to sit still in their spaces six feet apart, no group work, no collaboration, and my friend cant even walk in front of the board! ON top of that, kids are failing all over the place and this is one of those public schools you have to apply to, it is top tier school in NYC. Restrictions are slightly loosening though, kids are going back full time, it will get better. We work with kids at our office and there are some advantages to the new normal. The place has never been cleaner, for example! I have not even caught a cold, or my favorite early spring gift, the stomach virus. Because all of the little darlings have masks to cover their nasty germs. And parents are “slightly” less inclined to send sick kids to school/therapy.
TT darling, you need big hugs! I cant imagine what it is like going through this on your own. I am glad you will be getting your shots, the feeling is more comforting for sure.
My nephew is a middle school teacher and he has Type 1 Diabetes and he made them put up a plexiglass shield between him and the kids. He says he feels safer with this. I cannot imagine working around kids these days. TT, I have dreams like yours, horrible and creepy dreams. I feel like I’m going to the movies every time I fall asleep. I think you need a break. Focus on your health and your taxes and don’t worry about us here and I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us. We aren’t going anywhere…. And PS, I’ve been on meds for anxiety and panic attacks since Dec of 1999 and I am NEVER GOING OFF OF THEM! When you said you do Sudoku and Crosswords to get your mind off them, I knew exactly what you meant.
what she says.(Gigi) Before anxiety meds I felt like I was going to die, not that I wanted to die, but felt like I would, in so many ways. It is an awful way to live. better health through pharmacology
What do y’all take. I used to take small doses of Xanax and just knowing I COULD take one if things got worse helped as much as actually taking them. I probably still have a couple somewhere but they are long expired. I’m also kind of afraid of prescription medications and vaccines. I am going to take the vaccine it is just a matter of getting there. I never know how anxious or sane I am going to be on any given day. Yesterday was a decent day as far and making some progress on taxes. Today I am struggling to take the trash to the street. And I have to do that now because I didn’t do it last week. And apparently, I’m a very trashy girl! 🙂
TT, I lived that life from when I was early 20’s (when it started) until I was 45. I tried everything in order NOT to take meds as I was afraid I would be a zombie. That all changed on scary morning in Chinatown in SF in Dec of 1999. After that, I knew I had to get on something. So now I take 10 mg of paxil every night. You are supposed to take 20 mg, but 10 is enough for me to NOT have to leave grocery stores or be afraid to drive new places. I didn’t gain weight, I didn’t wander around like a zombie, I just DO NOT HAVE PANIC ANYMORE. I feel like I have a life. Like Ingrid said, it’s a horrible way to live and THANK GOD for meds. I have had only two very minor panic attacks since Dec 1999, and that was during when my parents were dying so I understand why they happened, but since then, nada. I will NEVER go off of it!
xanax is really on an “as needed” basis, and that can give you ups and downs. Everyone is different. I take trintellix which is technically an anti-depressant but works very well for anxiety. also a little welbutrin. No xanax.
I was at a girls weekend a few years ago when one of my friends took out her pill bottles and declared, “yes, ladies, we have reached the age when we all need our pills!” I have no idea what she was taking and for what, it could be high blood pressure meds for all I know, but it was funny, and made me feel better.
You need the right dr for this, and sometimes a med might make you feel horrible, or not fix what is wrong, then you are on a spiral again, so you need to change the meds, and it is scary. Then you get one that starts to work, and you realize your heart is not pounding as much, and you dont think you are going to die 10 different ways (I once thought I had about 5 types of cancer at the same time), and you can get outside of your own head! the OCD backs down. You can finally take a deep breath and let it out. Of course not everyone has the same experience, but it helped me so much!
OMG I can’t even watch the Trintellix commercials. So many possible side effects! I could probably do a small amount of Paxil. It’s been out for EVER.
All I really need is to eat right, drink lots of water, get plenty of sleep AT NIGHT, and get out for walks as much as possible. Right now I am not doing ANY of those things. It’s hard to crawl out of the hole, but when I do it, I can stay on track for a while. Just before the pandemic I was going to work out multiple times a week and training for a 5K that I planned to jog. All of that is still in me somewhere.
Ingrid! YES to your last sentence!!!!
my sister taught me that line, a nurse on anti-depressants 🙂
I’m on the other side, not a teacher but a parent. It’s been difficult because my daughter does not thrive well with at home learning, which we’ve had to do every so often when a kid in her class test positive for Covid. Last week was hard and her grades suffer each time we have to do a week of quarantine. She’s in the gifted class and her grades are so important to her and she cries when she gets a bad grade. She’s only 9 but has never had a B before this year. This is just such a stressful time for everyone so I think I extending one another grace, including ourselves, is so crucial.
As someone who never feels like a “good enough” parent, I’ve had to really challenge myself to not be so hard on myself but fahk I just want to set her up for success.
So… to make myself feel a bit better I went and got my first facial yesterday! It was top of the line (biologique recherche) but it was work every GD penny and I’d recommend it to anyone who needs some “me” time.
My sister is a teacher, being staff at a private, Catholic school, they have been teaching in person since last August! Of course this means that kids are out at times, or those who have health conditions or live with someone who does, use Zoom for classes. Then there are kids in and out, based on suspected COVID exposure. THEN, there are kids out as their families have taken vacations during the pandemic. And also, whole grades have been out if enough kids have been exposed to the virus. So she has been double planning/teaching all school year – for in person and distance learning. And new systems installed to help track all of this. AND- the staff got a whole $500 dollar bonus at Christmas. I really do not know how teachers are doing this. I was a teacher early in my career, and have much empathy for what they are going through! FYI- my sister is retiring at the end of this school year! I salute all teachers!!
dont forget the kids who disappear completely and no one knows where they are. Those poor teachers, poor parents, it just sucks. (except for the parents who go on vacation and think their kid will want to get out of the pool for a history lesson on line. )
BROKEN HEARTS
For those of you who read my posts about losing our beloved English Setter Abby to cardiac hemangiosarcoma suddenly and brutally earlier this year and were so kind as that event unfolded,this is the other shoe dropping to another shitty year: Jon and I are waiting in the recovery room after his trip to the cath lab to have a consult with a cardiac thoracic surgeon. He needs open heart surgery. We expected his symptoms were restenosis of 6 stents he had put in 15 years ago. A good roto routering and he’d be good as new. Turns out there are some serious new problems that only surgery can fix.
We’re reeling with this news. It’s a gigantic disappointment and a frightening prospect. The good news is he’s here before a catastrophic event. The bad news is …everything else.
And let me tell you, it really sucks to cry and have a runny nose with a mask on.
OMG. I am so very sorry. I have to tell you I am doing a lot more praying during this pandemic. I will put you on the list. You have been so much. I confess I am scanning over pet death posts because Banjo is … um… getting really old.
Oh Lucinda, I remember when you were writing in about Abby, and now this! I am so sorry, and will be radaring good and healing vibes your way. Hold on for dear life to the fact that you guys did catch this before an event, and that medical science can fix this. But my God gurl, you’ve had one helluva year (which I know I don’t need to tell you). Will be praying, and if you can, keep us posted, okay?…
Lucinda, if it’s any comfort at all, these Dr’s do these surgeries all day, everyday and HE WILL BE FINE. To the Dr’s, it’s just another day in the OR. But for you, it’s terrifying since it’s the unknown. Prayers for you for peace and comfort and keep us posted!!
oh no, I am so sorry. I am glad you husband is getting the medical attention he needs. The best thing about it is we are in 2021 and today medicine is better than it was yesterday, you know? You are in my thoughts, and so so sorry about Abby.
Thank you all for the kind words. This is extra hard for Jon because the build season is so short up here and he had so many plans for things that he wanted to get done on the property and the house that he won’t be able to do. I keep telling him things will get done when they get done. The last thing he should do is stress over things he can’t control.
We also had planned to breed Oakley, something we’d been putting off because we wanted the house to be more ready before we had puppies. So Jon’s done tons of research about a stud, got her hips and elbows xrayed for her OFA certification, got her DNA testing done for genetic diseases, she’s all set to go. She’s 5 now and it’s already past time to have started breeding her. So he’s crushed that those plans for this summer might be ruined. I keep saying wait until we have the surgery date and let’s see how things unfold. But he’s understandably in shock and depressed and can’t see anything but the bad stuff right now.
Like others here have said, it’s a miracle we found this out before a catastrophic event that would have ended his life. I know it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it to see anything positive but often an outcome is directly connected to the patient’s attitude and outlook. I’m afraid he’s going to give up. He already said if he dies he’ll be with Abby so it’d be OK. That scares me more than anything. He’s 62. He has so much to live for. Many more years of doing everything he wants to do. It’s not over for him yet. I hope as the dust settles from yesterday he’ll start to wrap his head around this and be more hopeful.
Sorry for the long ramble. I’m trying to be only positive and strong in front of him when really I’m crying like a baby on the inside. This is the only space I have to share my feelings so there’s a lot that’s pent up.
Thanks again for listening.
And tt, when it’s Banjo’s time, I am here for you. There’s no getting around the pain of losing a furbaby. But people will share it with you to try to ease it.
Much love to all.
I know this is days old and I haven’t commented in forever (still read, super busy moving to North Georgia so husband can be stay at home dad to the two girls while I work).
BUT I read the last RHOA post and I encourage you to sign up for the vaccine. I got it because of the long term cafe population I work with and wanting to make sure I keep them healthy. It has been over two months since my second dose and no issues and having the ability to go out in public with no fear has brought back a lot of sanity for me. Even my introverted self needs to interact with others and get out of the house.
My dad also is a nurse for the health department up in WV and administers the vaccine and encourages everyone to get it because he has seen so many lives change for the better after the past year.
Also my old school district actually got everyone the vaccine so teachers could go back safely….
I hope you can feel more yourself soon. Anxiety and depression sucks and I still struggle everyday.