I’m going to do a quick 90 Day Fiance recap or at least get one started. If I miss doing it on Monday then it becomes very late in the week or I forget. Stephanie is the cheesestick of this season. I’m probably going to ignore her for the most part. She’s acting like an helicopter mom and while she is old enough to be his mother, or his grand mother, she is not. She filling suitcases up with thousands of dollars of crap he doesn’t want and will probably sell. She’s also packing her mother’s engagement ring in case he wants to propose. But all she talks about his how much they are fighting and how they don’t trust each other. Please, production, let this be the last episode for these two.
Mike & Natalie
I think these two are just not compatible. They don’t share common values. Natalie can be very disrespectful to Mike. She’s either bossy or ending each sentence with the word, “love.” But it seems to be a new day. They are hugging it out. Mike’s mom is coming to meet Natalie. Natalie is worried because Mike’s mom knows all about their relationship. For some reason though, I really want them to work things out.
Mike’s mom finally shows up to meet Natalie. She will be staying for a few days. Mike is a mama’s boy and immediately asks her what she brought him. They start joking around and Natalie struggles to follow the conversation. The mom wastes no time in asking when there will be grandbabies. Natalie explains that Mike hasn’t given the ring back. She says he is trying to keep her guessing. Mom asks if she was trying to keep him guessing when she threw it back at him. She also told Natalie about the bears that wander around Mikes house. This visit will not go well for Natalie.
Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
All three go together to restaurant where is mom turns relationship counselor. Natalie tells his mom she knows she did wrong with the ring. Mike tells us that is the first time he’s heard her admit that. So that is progress. Natalie tells his mom that she wants her mother at her wedding. And if they don’t set a date, she can’t apply for a visa. Mike’s mom tells them to set the date so her mom can apply and if it doesn’t work out at least she tried. In Mike’s talking head, he agrees that having a date to work toward is a good idea. Trish tells us, she thinks they have too many differences for the marriage to work.
The next morning Mike and Natalie agree that things went well the night before. They set up a wedding date for April, 3rd. I’m not really spoiled on this couple and I kind of prefer it that way. But they sure let us see her on the opening episode being sent back to The Ukraine. Allegedly. Mama get up and they tell her about the date. She says she is fine with not being married in the church because in her religion they both would have to be baptized and for Mike that would be a lie (and a sacrilege). So she is good with doing it anywhere. Conveniently, (production) Natalie gets a call right at that very moment to share with her mom. Mama Trish thinks this will never happen. She tells them to work at it. Natalie starts crying because she misses he mom. Mike comforts here. Even Trish cries. Mike is plenty nice when Mommy is there.
Brandon & Julia
Bless her heart. Julia is up with the chickens again. She needs to tell Brandon to move out with her, or she is leaving. His parents can’t expect him to live on the farm forever. And Brandon is afraid of his own shadow. I feel like we need to call (HYPOTHETICALLY PLEASE DON’T) APS on the guy. He is pushing 30 and clearly his balls have never dropped. There is surgery to help with that. One of my first graders had it. To quote the POTUS, COME ON, MAN! Julia calls her dad and he tells her Brandon needs to step up and fix things. That is not going to happen. It looks like Julia isn’t going to put up with it anymore.
The next time we see Julia she is still covered in a cloud of hen shit and crying. She calls Brandon at work. Basically, she tells him she can’t take another second and she wants to leave now. Not tomorrow. NOW. She can’t take another day of feeding pigs and being all alone. Conveniently, the weirdo parents are nowhere to be found. WTF are they doing all day? She tells him that she hates him. His response, and I am not making this up is, “What’s wrong with taking care of a few cute animals?” Then she tells him she hates him again. And hangs up. Start packing Julia. Find some way to GTF out of there and go to a hotel. Then get daddy to fly your ass home.
So Brandon comes back to the farm driving a very nice car. I don’t know much about cars but it looked like a nice one to me. Also, he works a 9-5 job and apparently his parents pay for him like he was 12. So this whole “can’t afford to get a place of their own is not going to work.” And seems like total bullshit to me. He parked in between two other nice cars at the house. Farmers are not poor. And especially as y’all keep telling me the allegedly breed dogs. So he needs to either shit or get off the pot. The parents can still be totally despicable people on TV if they want to even if this charade doesn’t play out. I just wonder how much of it Brandon is in on. Probably all of it.
Oh he comes home and he is a dick. I would have already smacked his face. He suddenly can stand up to Julia. “I give you my life and you don’t give me your life,” Julia says. EXACTLY She gave everything up for him and he gives up nothing for her. I totally believe the mother just wanted to be on TV. So she and her husband played dick, dick, fuck, fuck with this young woman’s life and they are wasting her time. He says they will leave the farm and he will be the man she wants her to be. WHY NOT JUST BE A MAN? He says it is a big risk for him financially. UM HELLO ADULTING! And also that his relationship with his parents will never be the same. UM HELL ADULTING THE SEQUEL. Bought time those balls dropped.
Amira & Andrew
Amira is back in France after her terrifying couple of days in a Mexican detention center. Andrew is having the time of his life in Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. The beaches look dirty in Puerta Vallarta. They seem very brown. Amira’s poor dad didn’t know what happened for three whole days. Amira tells her dad the story we have all been wanting to hear. She says her plane landed at 7:30pm and she was locked up within 30 minutes. They took her passport, her phone and her watch. After that, she never knew even what time it was. When she landed by in Europe they gave her some documents about her her detention. And the box they checked said the reason was no passport. Well, this is terrifying. And they put her passport in the same envelope. Maybe they meant no visa?
Amira says she and Andrew have not communicated since she came back to France. That’s because he’s too busy enjoying the resort. Poor Amira is devastated by the whole situation. She wants to be with Andrew. WHY? He didn’t get you out of detention. He doesn’t seem to be concerned about whether or not you made it home. And he lives in a modest house with this mother that is also a daycare. This cannot be a real couple. No one leaves France for wherever the fuck he is. He dad tells her that Andrew is not a man and will never change. True. Meanwhile, it is nothing but massages and eating steaks for Andrew. And his conversation is highly insensitive. I have NO CLUE what Amira sees in this guy. He’s not kind, he’s not considerate, he’s not cute, he has zero compassion for what happened to her, he has no money to speak of. WTF does she see in this guy. He lives with this mother for fucksake! This has to be a joke.
Stephanie & Ryan
While I was looking for a few new photos for this recap on the Internet, I stumbled across a lot of stories about some rape allegations between these two. Apparently, Ryan has quiet the criminal history including once threating to slit his ex-girlfriend’s throat. Totally not blaming the victim but all the women on this show (and probably the men too) need to do a background check. It’s clear that production doesn’t do it. Stephanie ALLEGEDLY said (the source for all of this is IG and it appeared to be her IG but I didn’t really look into it that deeply. She is also claiming she got very sick for sandflies or something and that production is refusing to pay her medical bills. It’s a whole lot with these two.
Stephanie arrives in Belize extremely overdressed, wearing a Covid mask with their photos on it. She is also carrying way too much stuff that she claims is very expensive in her suitcase. This is not how to travel alone. Especially as a single older woman. The goal is to be invisible. Okay I just saw her getting off the plane the whole incredibly ruffley top is paired with…wait for it…really short daisy dukes with lots of holes. The kid is standing there with roses and balloons and they run into each others arms and make out. Then, she starts giving him an entire suitcase full of expensive gifts. In his talking head he lets us know he would rather have the money. I told you he would sell all this stuff for a fraction of the price.
Even More Stephanie and Ryan…Le Sigh
This kid isn’t even cute. Oh she immediately makes him unlock his phone so she can go through it. Really? Surely he had deleted the side chicks. He lets her look and she is placated. He says he will remove the lock while she is here.
Off they go dinner. Ryan orders drinks and the lobster. I wouldn’t do that with my richest friend. Stephanie thanks him for letting her go through his phone. I also would ask anyone to let me do that. If I was that concerned the relationship would be over either way. She mentions he has never let her do that before. Well, he’s had TEN MONTHS TO DESTROY THE EVIDENCE. He tells her he is trying to make amends. She asks him if he expected her to ask to see it. Then we get startled face, long delay, “no.” See she knows what she is dealing with, but she is lying to herself. They go back and forth over whether or not he thought she would ask to see his phone. He also knows she is on to him and he is trying to blow it off.
How Dumb Can You Be?
Last time I watched this I was taking the kid at his word. This time, admittedly after reading things online, it’s clear what is happening. Also, every time I pause to type and the photo is on the kid he looks…mean. Even though she literally admits that she doesn’t trust what she is saying, she gives him a family heirloom to hold in case he proposes to her? She can’t be this stupid! The kid immediately starts evaluating the ring for carat, clarity and cut. I’m not even kidding. Then he has a big grin. OMG. I forgot she slept with his cousin. That might have made him rape her her allegedly if her claims are true.
Yara & Jovi
Yara is pregnant. Spoiler alert, she and Jovi got married on Valentine’s Day in Los Vegas and recently the baby. I think it’s a girl. On the way to the airport I am worried that Yara is going to puke in the car. This is the second time this couple had been pregnant. The first time she had a miscarriage and had some issues with that and Jovi left her to to go work. It’s been a month since he left and now he is coming back. This would work well for me a husband who works on an oil boat every other month. I’m just saying, it’s pretty much all men, and we would be happy to see each other and still have time apart.
Yara waits for Jovi for the airport and calls him to see where he is. He claims he is in the bathroom changing clothes. But um, she is by baggage pick up. WTF? It turns out he was at the bar at 8:30 in the morning getting a drink. I have a few things to say about this. And it might not be what you think. But I have traveled for long periods of time across continents and it reminds me of my flight from Paris to Romania. I’d slept most of the flight to Paris and was ready for breakfast. But it was a whole nuther day there and my flight to Romania they brought me wine that I didn’t even ask for, IN COUCH with like night time meals. I imagine that is where the “it’s five o’clock someone” thing started. Also, he just got off an oiler, if I understand correctly for 30 days.
That said, Yara is going to have a shit fit. So they are already fighting.