I’ve been awake for all of ten minutes as my quest to get my sleeping schedule straight continues. Also, I don’t feel so good. I think it is the changing of the seasons- stuffy head, whiney attitude kind of crap. So I am getting a late start on this RHOP recap. But I could really use a trip to Portugal, so here goes,
Oh Lord, Karen has either put two and two together based on Gizelle’s instagram outside the jewelry store, or production has told her that Juan and Gizelle went ring shopping or Robyn. And she is bringing it up at the table right in front of God and errybody. Karen has reached the age where she can sort of get away with these things. God help me, I am kind of loving Karen this season. Later Gizelle tries to get Karen to stop bringing it up.
Who Toboggans On An Island?
This worthless POS computer is only partially functional and it is driving me crazy. And speaking of crazy, I would not have taken the scary ride up the mountain or the insane toboggans down the mountain in Madeira. I’ve seen both on other reality shows and all it does is make me want to skip Portugal altogether. There is not enough poncha on the island to get me to do that. It is a beautiful island though. Somehow, production gets them all to do it. And, it is fun to watch them in near death experiences.
On to the Market. Now THAT is something I would love! And I am loving that we get to see more than hotel rooms on this girls trip. The fruits and vegetables are so beautiful. I wish we had markets like this all over the US in every town like they do overseas. I would not be taking samples of stuff off the same little plastic spoon as everyone else though. I would buy hats and other things I don’t need. Candiace seems to be sucking up to Ashley for some reason.
Gizelle Cannot Hold Water…Or Wine
Oh Lord. Gizelle is about to get messy. She has managed to get a key to Wendy’s room and the girls are going to prank her. I’d feel bad about this and call Gizelle out as a terrible person, but it’s Wendy. I guess I will go sit on the horrible person bench next to Gizelle. I’m okay with that. I still can’t find it in my heart not to like Gizelle. Besides, she’s eskimo sisters with Phaedra and that is punishment enough for anyone. Meanwhile, Wendy with all the degrees has to call her husband to ask him what to wear to dinner. Gizelle also tells Ashley about the surprise engagement from Juan that will never happen. And Karen has already figured it out. It’s only a matter of time.
Finally, we get all these women to a very nice restaurant where they can embarrass themselves in public. As they do. They had me at bread with three kinds of butter. I could just stop with that. Did they say snapper? I’ll have that. Candiace wants to start having children. Can CPS step in and sterilize people before they have kids? Candiace has mocked children on people’s twitter icons as well as Ashley’s miscarriage. She should never have a child. EV…ER. And I don’t say that lightly. Then Karen talks about the time that she bailed Ray out of his financial mess. And how she didn’t feel appreciated. I’d like to care about this but did you see those dishes come out?
Candiace Tries To Redeem Herself
Yum! I am sure they are saying things, but I am distracted by food porn. And this is all rehashing. Lobster ravioli? So much more interesting. The gist of this conversation to me is that the cast is starting to hold Candiace accountable for her behavior. It seems like a turn in their feelings toward Candiace. And giving room for Monique to return to the group. A sign that Monique probably will not get fired. But rumor is (not sourced by me so I have no idea) that Bravo is going to fire Candiace for wishing death in the meanest possible way on a local blogger who did not like her. As it turns out, the blogger was in very poor health, and Candiace knew it and he recently died. Shameful.
I love how on the ride home they are on their phones in a beautiful foreign country. I like to phone shame because I pride myself on being the last human on earth without a cell phone. I am starting to break down though. But I am addicted to my laptop. Like totally addicted. If I am awake I am on it. So I get it.
The Initiation of Wendy
Back at the hotel, the plan to freak out Wendy has begun. Gizelle claims she has a wardrobe malfunction and needs Robyn and Ashley to help her out in her room. The rest wait at the bar. (Per orders from production I presume) and these three put snakes and spiders in her bed. Normally, I hate adults doing shit like this. But, Wendy deserves it. Everyone is in on it when Candiace and Karen say they will go to Wendy’s room so she can pump. Eventually, the ladies leave and sit in the hall and watch the show on a producer’s camera.
Wendy screams her ass off twice, and then laughs. So, it turns out that Wendy does have a sense of humor. I’d be pissed people were in my room. So, Wendy is officially a better person than me. I hate pranks. Especially, between adults. I just lack the gene that thinks that is funny. Also, apparently it is ugly sweater night on that ratchet show?
The Green Eyed Monsters
OMG. I bet Gizelle has never been happier to promote something on the show than this pool in Portugal. I want to be there now! So of course, Robyn comes down to film with her and I want what Robyn is wearing. I don’t even know how to describe it is like ribbed leggings sort of with a matching ribbed off the shoulder sweatshirt in lavender. I need this in my quarantine life. Does Gizelle have no edges? Why does she have some sort of oddball headband thingy worn in totally the wrong place in every scene? It’s very distracting. Same for Robyn and most of them with wearing different colors of nail polish on her fingers. I’m sorry. That’s tacky. AND IT’S MY OPINION!
These two talk about how Karen’s photos for Robyn’s business that know one has ever heard of are not acceptable and she wants to cut her out. Ah, so they already know Karen is getting the good edit this season and they are pissed. Then they mock Karen for having sex. Okay, I am going to need y’all to tell me where this lavender get up can be purchased. Wendy goes to the bar for a breakfast Pina Colada. Respect girl. I’d have my breakfast drink in St. Lucia at the oceanfront bar. But it was a banana daiquiri or banana someone they made….AND BANANAS ARE A BREAKFAST FOOD! 🙂
Also, The Next Morning…
Karen is getting the best edit ever. Now, Candiace is coming to her for counseling. She even calls Karen, “queen.” And Karen counsels her for her reckless behavior and compliments her for not letting the other women rile her up at dinner the night before. Because they totally tried that, and she manage to control herself like an adult for a change. I forget when these women went to Portugal but What the hell season is it. Some of bundled up and others are in sundresses. I guess it was earlier in the morning when Gizelle and Robyn filmed.
Ashley joins Robyn and Gizelle in a dress I hate. Sorry, Ash. But she is feeling herself so that is all that matters. LOL then Ashley asks Robyn why she is in a sweater. It’s hot! She says she is about to change. I just noticed the sleeves are weird. The poof out at the wrists. I don’t need that but maybe she has short arms. Ashley tells the green eyed ones that she is giving Monique a character statement about Candiace for her court case. Gizelle is correct. This is Ashley paying back Monique for getting rid of the video footage of Michael grabbing the cameraman’s ass at her party. That’s true. But I could write a character statement of Candiace’s abhorrent behavior online and site multiple CURRENT examples.
This was the best RHOP episode of all time.There I said it.