And he sends me all the fancy shit. And he clearly doesn’t know about being single because he is married. And rich. And that is really not the point. But I am kinda fucking poor. So it is like A WHOLE NEW WORLD when he sends me rich people food. So now I buy really fucking expensive pork chops online. Because once you go rich you never go back. You can’t have those little gray things they call pork chops and ever go back to eating them after having a real one.
So months and months ago he sent me thinly slice ham from La Tienda. Which is apparently a place where rich people shop. And he sent me basically a whole have of a pig or something very thinly sliced. I think raw. To this southern chick it seems raw. Like bacon. And pork is something you probably should not eat raw. So I portioned it off and put it in the freeze and cook it in the oven and it is basically rich people bacon. It is 5:55 a.m. and I woke up NEEDING THAT HAM. I mean he basically sent me an entire pig and THIS IS MY LAST PACKAGE. So like the usual CRACKHEAD um Bacon Addict. I am losing my mind because I WILL PAY A BILLION DOLLARS for more of this crack, um I mean ham. He has the NERVE TO BE SLEEPING NOW. I cannot find the fucking ham on the website.
LOOK! IT IS 2020. We are all prolly gonna die. I just need my ham. Honestly, it might be in there somewhere. But I stupidly replaced my kitchen appliances with Frigidaire crap and it is chaos in there. Never EVER buy a Frigidaire appliance. If you are dying in the street and you life depends on it DO NOT BUY Frigidaire anything. Just die with no appliances. I did find the last pack of ham but Banjo is working me for most of it. I mean running out of ham is bad. So I know a guy. And if he ever wakes up…. I’ll send you the link. And you can thank all the people I sort of wanted to drunk dial… Even though I am only a tiny bit drunk at the moment. For this post. But now you can imagine for yourself my “serious problems” at six am. 🙂 But I mean there were a billion slices of ham and now there is no ham. I think we can all agree THIS IS A CRISIS! There is no more ham! I hate 2020.
Great. Now I feel bad because I Googled a lot of cute pig pictures. I suck.