Is it me or is this season NEVER GOING TO FUCKING END? At any rate, here we go with another Below Deck Med recap where I save most of you from actually having to watch this. But before we go forward, has anyone gotten tested for COVID lately? Is it still a swab that basically hits your brain via the nose? I’ve really cracked down on my hermit lifestyle and never go out without a mask. I have no fever. But I am still having trouble breathing and am frequently out of breath after the smallest task, like rolling the trash to the street. I have really bad brain fog and all I want to do is sleep. So I am considering getting tested. Anyway, enough of my whining. Let’s get on with the shit show.
I’m Trying To Care I REALLY AM BUT FOR FUCKSAKE!
How can rich people on fancy boats not be fun to watch? One word, SANDY. At least we start back in the bar with the crew. My brain fog is so bad that I didn’t even know where we left off. I have no recollection of the previous episode. The big news appears to be that Rob is a dick. Quelle surpise! Then I had to spend ten minutes trying to get my SEO plugin to stop asking me to send an email about “my issues” I have 99 issues at the moment, but the last thing on my mind is SEO. I literally had to start the recap over to get rid of the screen. Everyone is falling down drunk and Rob is triggered because Jess told him to go fuck himself.
If this whole boat flipped over and they all drowned I would not really be that sympathetic. And what do we think about Jess’s hand tattoos? I don’t hate it.. but I’m conflicted. I definitively hate Sandy though. Is this the final charter? Please God let this be the final charter. The next morning Jess is still crying to Bugsy. Does Rob have a face piercing? It looks like the two young lovers have made up. Everyone seems to hate this boat as much as I do. Malia continues to be a sous chef for Tom.
We Have Lost All Power
So apparently, this monstrosity of a boat has lost all their engines. YAY? Perhaps they will all drown and this national nightmare will be over? The episode ends twenty minutes in and we can all go back to bed and ball up in the fetal position and cry? Alas, it all works out in the end thanks to the actual crew. But Jess is still crying about missing real life and her friends weddings and such. I have a close family member who had a fancy pants destination wedding recently. If there wasn’t a deadly pandemic and my dog was able to go I am sure I would have enjoyed it. But really? The hotel rooms are like $600 a night and sure it is within driving range…kind of. Le fucking SIGH.
OMG IS THIS SHOW REALLY 90 MINUTES LONG? Fuck. Can we just get some people on the boat? Tom is having a meltdown over mussels. So far, I kind of like the new charter guests. The guests want an ultimate Frisbee contest with the crew. The crew sucks. So I believe that means they have to do service in bikinis. Or speedos. How do they even have speedos? Also the client has requested cucumbers with olive oil and salt. Do they really need to get the entire crew on this venture? Even I could do that. Tom agrees. He was on a 15 minute break and no one can slice a cucumber? But Tom is a dick. He make Aesha cry. I miss Kiko. Thank God the last thirty minutes is Andy tagging his WWHL show into Below Deck for ratings.