Oh Joy! Tonight I get to watch Below Deck Med so you don’t have to! The things I do for love. 🙂 Hopefully tonight’s Below Deck Med recap won’t have much Sandy as I believe it is the episode where the crew gets a short holiday. Hopefully, Hannah can get time far, far away from her.
I know I keep saying my days and nights are backwards but I literally went grocery shopping this morning at 8 am after staying up all night. I bought a ton of stuff and then went to bed. Now I’m just waking up. I’m also starving and really didn’t buy much to eat. I haven’t even unpacked the groceries yet. But, I highly recommend going to the grocery store right when it opens. It was full of normal people apologize to each other (okay mostly me) for being really bad a social distancing. 🙂 BUT I GOT WINE! And chocolate! Wine doesn’t seem appropriate at the moment though because it feels like morning. Okay, on to the show. I’ll do a ton of 90 fiance recaps after this. I’m looking forward to that.
I HATE EVERYTHING
I’m going to have a breakfast beer (at 8:30 pm) to deal with this awful show. I miss Kiko already. Someone on my TV is eating cheese puffs. Why didn’t I buy cheese puffs? Why am I Susie Healthful Eating at the grocery store and GIVE ME JUNK FOOD once I get home?
Okay. I’m already pissed just by the flashbacks to last week. I want to punch Sandy in the fucking face. And then drown Rob and Jess. Malia is Sandy Jr. I don’t want Sandy, Malia or Bugsy on this show ever again. The cuntsatchels got the best tip they have ever had. I hope they all buy poison with it. We are literally three minute in and I now understand why Elvis Pressley once shot his TV. Sandy is really bad at fake phonecalls. Is Alex putting ice in the hot tub? Why? On to Bugsy waxing Alex’s back. New depths of gross we never expected.
Tom shows up just in time for the fabulous day off. He’s hot AF. And off we all go to Majorca. I’m definitely going to Spain first when the pandemic is over and my best friend Banjo is dead. I’m totally going to need some advice about what to do with an 80 pound dead dog. (goes to add fucking Rainbow Bridge) the list of banned words here. Oh hey? You didn’t know there were banned words? Rob and Jess agree to support Hannah. I don’t see that lasting, do you? I do think that Hannah and Jess mocking Bugsy’s accessories is genuine though. Hell, first I jumped on the Kate fan bus and now Hannah? That is how low this show has gone.
Hannah Falls Ill
Hannah calls it a night a 10:30. Is this scripted so that Asshole Sandy can be rude to her? I mean, it seems obvious to me that they assholes at 51 Fucktards could not even let her enjoy the evening after Kiko left. But, at least she gets to Facetiime her man and eat curry in bed. As someone who has crippling anxiety from time to time, I get this. Everyone else stumbles home at 1:30. Remind me to tell you the story about how I saved someone’s life in Paris that one time and some rich people who witnessed the whole thing took me to a fancy rich people party afterward.
Jess and Rob drunkenly profess their undying love for each other. I mean who hasn’t done that? Um… ANYWAY, don’t drink beer for breakfast y’all even if breakfast comes at 8 PM! /Hicc then again. It’s a fucking pandemic do whatever you want. All rules are off. Sadly, Jess will end up heartbroken.
Remember Being Twenty Something and Hot? It Was Like That
Off to the beautiful resort in Majorca. But first we have to pretend that Tom doesn’t have contract to finish out the season as a chef. I have such violent tendencies toward Captain Sandy. Oh look. Tom is going to be the chef. QUELLE SUPRISE! I really REALLY wish I had bought some crunchy Cheetos. Back before the pandemic, I as being all super healthy and working out. And now… I just want Cheetos and Coors Light. I’m a basic bitch mostly. But tomorrow, or whenever I am sober next I need to order some meat.
Hannah passes on the the resort at least for a few hours because she has tummy issues. Tom stays back for a bit to set up the kitchen. Plus he didn’t earn the trip to Gran Folies Beach club. The ride up gives me flashbacks to puking all the way to Granada and my mother being pissed about it. Fun times? Meanwhile, Hannah munches on dry toast. The hot twenty something crew does what hot twenty something do. I wish I could tell them they will all be fat one day. But they would never believe me. I said I’d never be a double figure size. Is there a triple figure size? Because I might be inventing it. These bitches all think Hannah is faking. Fuck you all and the horses you rode in on.
Maybe I Am Just Hangry
Oh what about Bali? Will they still take American sacks of Covid in? Captain Sandy goes to fuck with Hannah more. I hope Hannah’s rich husband takes her and their new baby to Gran Folies Beach club. Tom claims he has worked for Gordon Ramsey. #HumbleBrag I’m only watching this to plan my Spanish vacation with Tuatha one day. I plan to refer to her as Tutu the hole time even though I know her real name.
As Hannah lays dying, these dickwads make plans to change the sleeping arrangements to accommodate Malia and her hot BF. I kind of already want to go back to bed. And I have four more hours of recaps after this. Le sigh. Back at the boat, at least Jess checks on Hannah. But she is the only one.The next morning, Malia wants Hannah to room with Bugs. That is not going to happen. Or it will. This is so Bugs can report on Hannah’s every move on her time off. I hate all of these people. Malia is a cunt. That is all. And then she goes to run to Sandy to be an even bigger cunt. These two are AWFUL and I hope this is trending on Twitter. AGAIN. Hannah gulps down some Valium.
From Shit To Shinola…
Is five milligrams a lot for Valium? I take half of a two milligram of Xanax. But drinking is better in the short run. And they don’t show Bugsy as the messenger but she was the one who ratted Hannah out. IT IS A PRESCRIPTION! Sandy calls in her real crew member to witness the meeting. So maybe this is real thing after all? Or he was hired by production? It seems to me he is the REAL Captain and that is why he was called in. This is so stupid.
And of course Andy has Malia and Bugsy on WWHL. Malia is in Croatia and Bugsy is in FLL with no job.