It’s time to hate watch as Micromanager Sandy does the unthinkable and probably fires Chef Kiko. I can’t wait to see what stupid request the charter guests have been told by production to ask for this time. Native American Indian food? Branson, Missouri food? Martian food? Clearly, Kiko’s contract was for a certain number of episodes so that Malia’s chef boyfriend can come save the day. And that’s fine. But let Kiko fake an illness or an injury or have a crisis back home or something. Why humiliate him? They did the same thing to Chef Leon. I am not looking forward to this Below Deck Med recap.
Micromanager Sandy tries to backtrack from the way she treated Kiko. I bet they made her film that talking head in post production hoping we would hate her less. It’s not working for me. Meanwhile, production told a guest to say “no more fried food for the rest of charter.” But he says it to another guest who replies, “Speak for yourself.” Kiko tells Hannah that tomorrow he is leaving because Captain Sandy says he is incapable of doing his job. Hannah goes on deck and cries. She says “God I hate this fucking job.” It seems she was not privy to the storyline. She feels terrible.
Seriously, Who Is Captaining The Ship?
And to top it off they have to do a stupid Vegas party. It already looks cheap and tacky. It’s basically the uncoordinated deckhands jumping around shirtless with abs drawn on in magic marker and Malia doing hand stands. Shouldn’t they get fired for this? Perhaps, Hannah will? Meanwhile, Kiko is in bed SOBBING. Surely they told him that he only had so many episodes and just didn’t tell him about the humiliation? Or maybe they just blindsided him knowing he was going no matter what?
Sandy stands in the galley with her fucking arms crossed and micromanages Hannah putting clean silverware away. Serious, who actual does all the captain’s duties on this franchise? Because it is not Micromanager Sandy. Jess is crying about Kiko while washing dishes. Who fires a crew member when guests are on board? Let alone IN THE MIDDLE OF SERVICE? Hannah goes to talk to Kiko and he says he doesn’t know how he is going to cook breakfast the next morning. Hannah says she will get up and help him. I’m not sure he needs any more “help” from Hannah. What he needs is Micromanger Sandy in his galley. They hug. Kiko has said Hannah and Jess were his best friends on the boat. Kiko is still crying hours later when everyone is two hours late going to bed. Hannah has a panic attack in her bed at 4 am. This is all Micromanager Sandy’s fucking fault. Malia checks on her in their head.
Kiko Has Another Breakdown
Three hours later Kiko gets up to make his last meal. There are still dirty cutting boards for him to wash in the galley. Micromanager gets right under his feet immediately and starts badgering him. Shut up Sandy! Kiko is too heartbroken to finish breakfast. Instead, he packs his knives and goes back to bed. Micromanager Sandy yanks him out of bed and humiliates him some, more. Because, bitch. Holy fuck. Do they have a whole nuther day??? Sandy is such a shitty boss. Kiko unpacks his knives again. Hannah gets up to help. Did I mention Sandy is THE WORST?
Hannah makes lunch reservations for the charters on land. Meanwhile, Malia runs to Sandy and blabs about Hannah’s four am panic attack. And, she sucks up to fuctard Sandy. Malia’s a bitch too. So on top of everything Hannah has to deal with, Sandy calls her in and pretends to care about how she is feeling. I’ve a a principal like that. It makes things ten times worse. This is even worse than when Captain Lee didn’t fire the fucktard deckhands. Because in that case, he didn’t know because he actually, you know, does his job and relies on his crew to do theirs. He did blister their behinds at the reunion, though.
Rob And Jess Are So Inappropriate!
Rob and Jess play tourguide to the guests in Valldemossa. This involves Jess trying to read a guidebook outloud while walking at the same time. Thank God she isn’t chewing gum. She regales them with stories of Chop-IN. She’s clearly not a fan of classic pianists. Then, when the guests what a picture of Rob and Jess they make out for the cameras. Then the tour guides leave the guests to have a romantic lunch for two replete with both standing and sitting makeout sessions in full public view in uniform. Rob even tells her he loves her. I hope his girlfriend sees this episode. Sigh. To recap, Pete, Rob and Jess were NOT fired.
Conveniently, Malia’s boyfriend Tom have a chat while the guests are on shore. When the guest come back two guest go out on jetskis that should not be out in the first place due to choppy water conditions. Rob is too busy mauling Jess in a cabin to be on deck watching the morons on the jetskis. One of the guests picks this moment in time to let Hannah know that he needs a birthday cake for his girlfriend to put her engagement ring in. WTF? Pete is in charge of buying a cake on shore when he picks up the crew food. What could possibly go wrong? He was sent to a pastry shop but he just gets one from the pizza shop. Because, that makes sense.
Jess Forgets To Take Breakfast Orders
At crunch time for the 90s birthday dinner, guess who is pacing around the kitchen irritating the holy fuck out of Kiko? I’ll give you one guess. This recap is exhausting. And not just because I have only had two hours sleep in the last two hours. The guests have Kiko come out to compliment him and give him a big round of applause. He rushes back to the kitchen to cry. Hannah hugs him and says she doesn’t want to be on the boat without him. Jess and Rob continue to make out instead of work.
Poor Kiko has one more breakfast to make. Jess wasn’t paying attention to her job. So she didn’t write down the breakfast orders. Did I mention she is not fired yet? Sandy conveniently finds out that Malia’s boyfriend is a chef on the day he is coming. Despite the fact Malia talks about him every five minutes. Let’s get rid of these guests! They were so happy with service that they cried. Kiko tells Hannah he doesn’t want to hear anything else from Sandy so he’s not coming to tip meeting. He asks her to send him his tip. Hannah and Kiko have another cryfest.
Fine! I’ll Comment On WWHL
But, just because I want to know Kate’s reaction to this shitty episode. Andy admits he cried during the episode. SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP.SANDY. Is she really denying standing over the charters while they ate berating them about the meal?!?! Okay, Kate is not helping things here. Sandy continues to double and triple and quadruple down on her cuntiness. Who is shocked? Kate is kissing Captain Sandy’s ass. It’s disgusting. Captain Lee gives the Mazel to Kate. You can skip this whole show.