It’s time for another two hour episode of 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After. I feel like I do a 90 Day Fiance recap almost every day. But I’m not complaining! I love these shows! I could live without the scenes with Colt, his mommy and Jess as well as Colt’s ex Larissa. But it is what it is. So let’s get started.
Andrei & Elizabeth
Fortunately, we start with Andrei and Elizabeth. I really think these two can work it out if they would just stop having weddings and baptisms and get to know each other better. Elizabeth’s dad, and Charlie arrive in Moldova. Sadly their luggage does not. On the car ride to Andrei’s parent’s for dinner we learn that Andrei’s exodus from Moldova to Ireland is a subject that is off the table. Andrei says he moved from Moldova (where he claims he was a police detective) to Ireland (where he was a bouncer) because he needed a change. Hmmmm.
Libby’s dad and brother are quite rude talking about Andrei’s family neighborhood when they arrive. I’m allowed to talk shit about my neighborhood but if anyone else did there would be a problem. My parents bought this house before I was even born. It’s the family neighborhood no matter how many changes it has gone through. And you don’t disrespect anyone’s neighborhood, especially if they are married to your daughter.
At a beautiful dinner, the brother presses for information about Andrei being a cop. He was a cop for a year, it was a rough job and paid only €200 a month. The police are probably corrupt like so many of our police departments. So, I find nothing suspicious about him wanting to go to Ireland, unless they were coming after him. And, it seems like there are things he is not saying that these two would not understand. Andrei’s brother and his wife imply that Andrei doesn’t like to work. Who does that? Libby’s dad said he offered him a job but he didn’t want to work for his father in law. This starts an argument between Andrei and Libby. He asks why she is getting married to him for a second time if she doesn’t respect him. She says she is totally fine with NOT getting married a second time. WTF?
Colt, His Mommy & Jess
These three are headed off to a BBQ at Jess’s family’s house. It’s a nice house. The drinks are flowing. This will be a disaster. He dad is immediately not impressed. Mommy is on a mission to investigate the family. Jess’s father grills him on Larissa and his intentions. Colt tells Jess’s father that he wants a family with Jess and she is the best person he ever met. So his dad approves. She already has a wedding venue in Brazil. Debbie and Jess get in a huge fight where Jess cusses out Debbie. Debbie wants to leave. So, Colt puts him in a cab. That pisses Deb off.
The next morning, Colt arrives at his mother’s bedroom in the same clothes he wore the night before. Deb seems to be packing. It’s awkward. Deb wasn’t happy being alone in a Brazilian hotel all night. She also points out that Jess is awful just like Larissa. Colt thinks Deb is jealous. I think Deb is the voice of reason pointing out that they don’t need to get married right away. Jess takes Colt to the beach to work him over. She is like a prostitute working over her mark. This is such a ridiculous scene. Colt talks to Jess about being more respectful of his mother. Um. This is the least sexy walk on a Brazilian ever. This may be a good time to review the commenting rules.
Larissa & Eric
Larissa is about to be homeless. So she will just move in with Eric. Most homeless people don’t have money for all the cosmetic surgery she has had. Or all the manicures and hair cuts. Eric has another roommate named David. He doesn’t seem happy to see Larissa. She expects Eric to furnish her bedroom. Later, Larissa goes to to an onscreen commercial for some food place. How does Larissa have all these friends when she hasn’t been here that long? I get Carmen. But who is Hannah? And why do they all think that Larissa is the good person in all her bad relationships? Did Larissa just say that she and Hannah are like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton? She really thinks she is a famous reality star who is on that level?
Just a few days after moving in with Eric, she went through his phone and phone old texts from a woman he dated after they broke up. So she calls her. And according to her, Eric bashed her relentlessly to her in front of his parents at a dinner. I’ll spare you all the details. He also met with Colt where they apparently discussed the way Larissa gives head. In the middle of the conversation, Eric came home. If she beats his ass, she will end up back in jail. But that confrontation will have to wait until next week!
Angela & Michael
I can’t imagine how much in love I would have to be to fly to Nigeria multiple times to be with a man. If you add having young children you are raising and a dying mother into the situation, it just would not happen. But if, for some reason it was that important to me, I can’t imagine being such a raging cunt to the man I left everything for. But Angela bosses Michael around in every episode and this is no different. His mother and Auntie are coming for dinner so they have to go to market. Angela is refusing to cook. On another note. Every time I see Angela, I moisturize. I’m not joking.
She is so mean to him. Why do you pick a Nigerian man and expect American values. Angela freaks out at the market. She is so dismissive of other cultures. I’m not even going to do the play by play of the ugly American at the market. But when they get to the meat section, the goat heads with flies and the smells get to her. She flees to the car and eventually pukes. It seemed clear to me Michael pointed out the goat’s head to her. Heh. The smell of an open air meat market like that can be pungent, to put it mildy. Brings back memories of how lots of camels corralled in one place smell. She is so dramatic. She keeps saying “I am not Nigerian!” and I keep wanting to punch her in the teeth. Angela wants to order pizza.
When his family comes over, Angela has ordered pizza and Michael is stuck making dinner. Michael’s mother and sister come and are highly dissatisfied that Angela has refused to cook. Michael’s attempts are unacceptable. This is not how things work! Where is the stew? This scene is so scripted. Of course Angela saves the day with pizza. Then on to the fake baby/might have cancer storyline.
Kalani & Asuelu
After talking to Kalani’s dad talked to Asuelu, he gives a sweet, yet childish, apology to Kalani. Asuelu has two half sisters in Washington. His mom is living with the sisters! Why haven’t we heard about this before? This trip to see them is going to be a train wreck. I thought it was his mother that was asking for money. Sure enough the Facechat with his mom and his half sister he lives with. His mom says she wants to go back to Samoa. She is just eating and sleeping and waiting to die here. Asuelu’s mom has some of the crazy. Then she asks for $1,000.
Karine & Paul
Paul has two large dogs that he boarded with a trainer while he was in Brazil. How the hell did he afford that? When I used to travel and board or hire a sitter for Banjo, it was the second biggest expense of my trip! Anyway, he has found a tiny studio at the trailer park. It’s a one room studio. But the appliances seem nicer than mine and it is very clean. Karine has not seen the house. Karine likes the house. But Paul forgot to buy curtains. But over all she is happy to have her own tiny house in the US.
Next week: Larissa confronts Eric; Syngin returns to South Africa with Tania; Angela tells Michael she might have cancer and won’t be able to “tote his baby”; Deb makes sure to let Jess know that Vanessa is cat sitting; Paul’s mom tells him he is a deadbeat who can’t get a job; Kalani and the kids go with Asuelu to visit his mother and sister BY CAR!