MAFS Recap: New Orleans

I am not expecting much for the next two hours other than the so-called experts choosing the cast for MAFS New Orleans. But, I am expecting to have some exciting MAFS recaps with this New Orleans cast. I’ve seen very little previews but … what I have seen looks amazeballs. New Orleans is a magical and for me scary place. I once drove from LA to Saint Simon’s Island Georgia aka from one end of I-10 to the other and we had not even fully checked into the hotel when our car was broken into. The guy I was with had all his personal belongings stolen. We left NO and drove all the way to St. Simon’s Island with a black plastic trash bag flapping in my ear. I should have broken things off right then. But things got, much, much worse.

This episode is 126 minutes. I do not know why they do this to me. I’d rather have 20 one hour recaps than ten two hour ones. Let alone 20 two hour ones. Unless it is anything 90 Finance. I could watch and recap that 24 hours a day. Also, you should be watching MAFS Australia or at least reading my recaps SO MUCH BETTER than US version. So my fabulous neighbors who live in the psycho house gave me a huge box of produce today and it was mostly fruit. So NATURALLY I’ve been making sort of sangria by the glass. JESUS TURNED WATER INTO WINE FOR A REASON!

Amelia & Bennett

I thought I would get an hour of the boring couple selection stuff but it looks like they are going to get right to it! Oh joy, it’s fireworks time again. I have no clue what time it is because the fucking power keeps going off. Anyway, I love this super cure theatrical boy, Bennett,  who is all of 28 and young enough to sign up for this mess. I love Bennett more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire eleventy billion years of life. Hopefully he gets a good match. He is adorable in his sweaters. I also talk to inanimate objects. I just apologized to my shoes for tripping over them. It all seems normal to me.

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OMG! Amelia is weird too. and she is also a medical doctor. I may love her more! Can we be a throuple?!  This is fantastic! She a doctor and a tightrope walker. This is amazing! This is the most perfect match EVER!  NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW HAS A COUPLE BEEN SO PERFECT! Bennett shows up for his suit fitting with a baseball style hat with an Indian embroidery and tiny mirrors. I could not love this person any more than I already do. Amelia is just as weird. She asked for a floofy and textury dress. It’s weird dress. But kind of pretty weird. She goes for a giant dress. I love that one too. She also doesn’t shave her pits. FIGHT THE POWER! I say. lol. I do shave mine though. But I’m so old I can’t see hairs.

Karen & Miles

Karen is very introverted. Her ex had a baby on her during her five year relationship. Her mother is NOT down. AT ALL. Miles is HOT. And has a couple degrees under his belt.Miles has always been passionate about education and loves working with children and young adults. I like both of these people too. His grandparents are not totally in but willing to let it happen.

Olivia & Brett

Olivia is a cat person who does Karaoke. I mean what is worse on a dating resume than that? The good news is that Brett is also a cat person. The bad news he is a serial daters whose relationships have all been short term and failures. He’s cute. Why did I just get an ad saying that MAFS Australia premieres tomorrow at nine? I need them to slow their row with the seasons. Brett’s father thinks the idea is ludicrous. And it is, except when it isn’t. So far I am most worried about this couple. While dress shopping Olivia is very self critical. Which is strange. Because she is beautiful! Brett is going to be so happy to see her!

Amani & Woody

Amani is 29 and works for a nonprofit. She views herself as a very nurturing person who basically raised her siblings. Woody is 30 and seems to be amazing. He loves hats and hats love him. Like cool hats. His friends are a bit freaked out. They don’t think he is ready.  Both of them are very strong personalities. Woody has a ball picking out his tux. He is all about style. Amani’s friends are concerned. They think she will need someone who genuinely likes her. I really want these two to work.

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Amani’s mom reluctantly goes dress shopping with her. Amani herself is nervous. She could end up backing out. I hope she doesn’t. She wins the prettiest dress. Woody seems great. Woody is obsessed with his tux. He wants Amani to be thrilled to see him. I’d be thrilled no mater what he wore. He is not nervous at all and says he will do anything in his power to make it work.

Christina & Henry

Christina was raised by a single mother and never met her father. Also, while everyone else had a large group of family and friends she only has her mother to tell the news. She seems quite lovely. She really just wants to get flowers from a man. Honey. That is what imaginary gay husbands or gay best friends are for. You don’t need MAFS. You need gay friends. Because they give the best flowers and are the least judgey. Trust me. It’s really all you need unless you want a baby.

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On the other hand. Henry is 34 and seems like the perfect husband for her. I think the “experts” must have gone back to actually hold open calls for this season. Because everyone seems to be there for the right reasons. Henry is really cute and doesn’t know it. He was heavier before and still seems to view himself that way. He has also had heart surgery. His friends love him and support him even though this is weird. I adore Henry and Christina better not hurt him. Christina hates almost all of her wedding dresses but eventually settles on a really gorgeous one. Henry is more like just put me in a suit and I’m good.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties

Well this is breaking news… Woody and Miles are best friends. This is concerning because it could be some sort of dare, New Orleans is also a relatively small town and they are all worried their match is someone they know, or someone they previously dated. Karen and Miles have gotten VERY LITTLE screen time. I don’t really remember much about either of them. So that is also odd. If we saw them go shopping for tuxes and gowns I missed that part.

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Bennett just continues to warm my heart. He has a flip phone and has never had an iPhone. I don’t even have a flip phone anymore. I loved my little pink flip phone but I hated being tethered to an electronic leash. EVERYONE LOVES BENNETT. On the other hand Brett is the douchebag of this season. Miles is great. The guys have fun with the strippers but acceptable fun and Bennett is hilarious dancing with two strippers in his sweater even though he is way out of his comfort zone. The girls only got one stripper and most of them were kind of shocked and appalled. Especially, Christina. Did I mention how awful Brett is? He is hitting on the women at the bachelor party!

Houston, We Have A Couple Of Problems

Bennett has drag queen friends! DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE BENNETT AND HE MAY BE THE BEST PERSON ON THE PLANET!?!!! Brett tries to pick up Bennett’s friends. They see right away that Brett is not in it for the right reasons. Olivia needs to tap out ASAP. The other four guys seem good.

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Oh shit! There is a reason I have nothing on Karen and Miles. She somehow found out that Miles is her future groom and it looks like she might back out. She researched him and says he is not her type! OTOH Miles is very excited to get married. He is a great guy. But this she says he talks about his feeling to much on Instagram. Please. She should marry Brett. He’s an asshole with no feelings. I am now worried about Miles. He deserves better than this.