It’s time for another 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap. I remember when I used to call you all a bunch of stupidheads for watching The People’s Couch on Bravo. But TLC has Pillow Talk where former 90 Day Fiance couples watch from their beds (or sometimes couches) and I always tune in to get their thoughts! So there are at least six hours a week of this franchise, and frankly, during a pandemic, that is not enough. Darcey and Stacey have their own spin-off this summer. I’m not a Darcey fan but I will watch that too. And I can’t wait for MAFA New Orleans!
Larissa, Colt, Colt’s Mommy, & Jess
Sadly tonight we start with this clusterfuck of morons who are in fact the only really annoying part of the show. Maybe we can get them all out of the way early. Larissa is going to court where she thinks she might be getting deported. If only we were that lucky. She got another photo taken and took her fingerprints again. Weird. Colt and his mommy are headed to the airport to fly to Brazil. Mommy wants to go to Brazilian Walmart. American who don’t travel annoy me. She has no clue about anything.
Mommy and Baby Huey arrive in Brazil and Jess is at the airport to greet them. She has decided not to tell Colt about her phone call with Larissa so as not to ruin the trip. This of course means she is definitely going to tell Colt about her phone call with Larissa. Jess says in an interview in front of Debbie that she needs time alone with Colt for “the sex” and they make out in the car after talking about baby names. Debbie thinks Jess just wants kids to tie him down. Debbie gets ill and irritated over all the PDA. Later she has some sort of a breakdown at the hotel she is exhausted. Cole reserved one hotel room. Jess is a moron.
Who is this hot guy Eric who Larissa suddenly broke up with? And she said he “drove him crazy like a roulette wheel. She filed a police report on Eric. She’s such a skank. Is he wearing a wedding ring on his middle finger? This all seems fake. I do sort of remember him on IG back when I had time to read there. Run, Eric, RUN! How much are they paying you to give her a storyline? Also, Larissa has a decent grasp on English. So why can’t she stop adding random eeeeee on every other word. I feel like she is doing it more this season since people call her attention to it. Like it’s her trademark of annoyance or something.
Angela & Michael
Angela has her friend Mimi come to stay with her mama and nem while she is gone. Because, Angela is legitimately concerned that her mom might die while she is in Nigeria. Mimi must be a good friend. I can’t even find anyone to watch my dog. And her friend JoJo is going to Nigeria to be her witness. Why is she driving to the airport? I guess because she lives so far away? But it is really cheaper to take a very nice limo than it is to pay for parking on a long trip. Plus schelpping all of your luggage to the parking lot? She’s too old for this shit. I am hyperventilating at how far toward the back of the plane is. If I have to fly coach I call and get put in the bulkhead row. The further away from the door I am the more anxiety I have. And yes, I understand I can’t actually go out the door on one level, but really, it matters tremendously.
I feel like Angela and Michael really actually love each other. But did anyone tip or even thank the random guy that helped with Angela’s luggage? Michael is happy to show Angela the apartment he has chosen. But it isn’t exactly the Four Seasons. She likes it at first. The living room is very nice. But she hates the hard beds in Nigerian. She demands he find her a soft bed. Michael seems to think such a thing doesn’t exist in Nigeria. She likes the cute little table in the kitchen and so do I! But what she doesn’t like is the giant rat. But at least it is dead in a trap. Michael chases her with the dead rat. Oh hell no.
Elizabeth & Andrei
And off we go to Moldova! Andrei’s mom sets a beautiful table every single day of her life. It’s totally a full time job that takes way more than 40 hours a week. It’s much more like a 70 hour a week job. Andrei insinuates this is what Elizabeth should be doing. So Elizabeth points out that she is supporting the family.
The next night they go out without the baby for drinks with Andrei’s friends. Elizabeth is worried that the boys will just talk in Romanian all night. His friends do talk to him in Romanian about why he is not working and having his wife support him. Ah, how do traditional gender roles feel now, Andrei? Libby talks to the few females in the mix about her sister Jenn and how she is worried her sister my offend some people at the wedding. Andrei is a dick in the car ride home because he doesn’t much care for Jenn.
Karine & Paul
Back in Kentucky, something seems to be wrong with the baby! Or not. It’s there first full day in the US and Karine is annoyed by Paul and the crappy car and just everything. So they are arguing. And Paul wants them to go out to dinner with his mom. She is fed up with the entire situation and rightly has no faith in Paul to support her and the baby. Karine is not willing to go to dinner because at the very least the baby is fussy. So Paul goes without her. Because, idiot. Paul’s mom says she would not have come if she knew Karine and the baby were not coming. Paul reminds me of Lawn Kid. But Lawn Kid is only 19. She’s done being his fall back plan. I get it.
So without Mommy giving him money, he decides taking Karine to a budget supermarket might make her love America. I love going to grocery stores and convenience stores in other countries. But it can be very overwhelming if you are actually trying to find certain things. I love the grocery store near my favorite Paris Hotel. I just was notified that rooms are slashed by 80 percent there. If only they would let us come into the country. Fuck you Trump. My passport is coming in a few days. But sadly, I have to stay home with Banjo anyway. I probably could convince the neighbors next door to come over and let him out twice a day and feed him on the second time. But I’d miss him too much. Are they in a Walmart? Karine is not impressed.
Why is Paul trying to sell her on America with feminine hygiene products. I agree with her. Brazil is better than Kentucky with Paul and is superiority. Then Paul takes her to look at a trailer that clearly isn’t even up to code to live in. This has to be a joke. Then they look at an RV type thing. I am ready to buy Karine and the baby a ticket back to Brazil.
Tania & Syngin
Tania is miraculously able to go to get a manicure with a friend. She can’t however walk to the bathroom without Syngin carrying her. Tania is worried about Syngin’s drinking. Her drinking is right up there with him sometimes too though. Syngin is feeling really tied down to Connecticut since he accident. And now he doesn’t really want to live in the US. He’s also hung up on the whole soulmate thing. Last season, she and Syngin went to a psychic or something and told her that Syngin was not her soulmate. Then she left to spent six weeks or so in Costa Rica during their 90 days. He deserves better and he seems to be figuring that out.
Things with these two are not going well. Tania cries and demands an apology. Syngin is having second thoughts about Tania. He should have thought of that before he married her. Syngin is feeling very tied down. He wants to travel and she can’t even travel to the bathroom on her own. Here’s homesick. He is not happy with what he has seen of America. He’s in a tiny town and wants to go somewhere else.
Kalani & Asuelu
I am so anxious to find out where Asuelu is. I feel like they should have filed a missing child report. Because, let’s face it Asuelu can’t survive in the world on his own. Apparently, the night he ran away from home, Kalani texted him and he gave her three wrong locations to go look for he before finally telling her where he was. It sounds like he wanted her to take him to the bus station to go back to Utah. But eventually, he came home and he hasn’t left the bedroom since. Now Kalani’s whole family is there and he’s still hiding under the bed or whatever. But her mom fills her husband in on the whole situation. I’m annoyed that some kids birthday party that he will never remember is being treated like a holiday event. Asuelu refuses to join the family. Instead he is playing video games.
Asuelu continues to refuse to come to the birthday party for his child. He’s being a straight up dick. Kalani’s dad is not having it. He was kind to Asuelu THIS TIME. But makes it clear to us that he really wants to beat his ass and he won’t get another free pass. Asuelu goes to the party but never apologizes to Kalani.
Next week, Everything gets worse for everyone. Who knew that was even possible?