Tonight, Lifetime is giving us two more episodes of Married at First Sight Australia. And it seems like they are in a hurry to get us through this season because we will get two more tomorrow! I’m a bit behind on tonight’s MAFSA recap because I am suddenly someone who washes dishes, mops floors and takes showers. I do not know what is happening to me! Tonight the couples move in together,directly after the first commitment ceremony. This should be very interesting since half of them hate each other. Let’s get to it straight away! Oh wow! All ten couples are moving into the same apartment building. They did that on one season of MAFS US and it was great. They all get a look at one of their wedding photos. The apartments are small studios.
Tash & Amanda
On their first morning, Tash is bitching to production that she doesn’t trust people who have thick slab of Vegemite on their toast. She literally hates everything about Amanda, right down to the way she eats her toast. Amanda on the other hand is still struggling with hurt feelings over the way that Tash flirted with every other girl at the dinner party and completely ignored her. I think Amanda truly wants to give the relationship a try, and Tash just wants to be on TV. Tash claims she has always validated Amanda’s beliefs. I hate Tash. Tash can’t even listen to Amanda. She goes into the bathroom and cries. WTF is her problem now? She is such a drama queen. She demands her own apartment. SEND HER ASS HOME.
We are back with Amanda and Tash. I am pissed that the “experts” matched Amanda with this bitch. She’s such an awful person. Oh great. Another “relationship expert” is going to counsel them. Please stop torturing Amanda and send the media whore packing. You’d be doing Tash a favor by stopping her from displaying her cold, black soul on international television. Oh this guy is an idiot. He’s talking about the “demand withdraw” relationship. What a fucktard. The problem is that Tash doesn’t give two shits how anyone else but her feels. She’s the problem. He basically blames Amanda. I want to punch him in the teeth. This was pointless. But sadly, it made Amanda hopeful. I am not.
Luke & Poppy
I love Luke. I know some of the Aussies have warned me that I won’t like him in the end. But I can’t see that happening. Neither of them have lived with a partner in years. Poppy freaks out when Luke says this week is make or break for him. Perhaps she’s act right. Luke goes out grocery shopping to prepare to make a nice meal for Poppy. When he comes home, she says she is not hungry. If she can’t function without her kids she needs to go home. The next day we find these two waking up in separate apartments. Apparently, there is no footage. Poppy is leaving. YAY!
I JUST BROKE A TOOTH! It was a popcorn kernel. FUUUUUUUUUUCKKK! Stupid popcorn kernel! It doesn’t hurt. I think the whole tooth is probably dead. Which is good for tonight, but probably means an extraction. Sorry. I am very distracted now. Time for wine.
Connie & Jonethen
Connie wakes up on their full first day frustrated by a post Jonethen made on social media that she felt was implying he was single. He is always on the phone on social media. He says social media isn’t even real. Jonethen apparently go five minutes without being on Instagram. So she asked for them to lock up their phones for intimacy week. He says yes, but means no. He’s really pissed about it.
Connie wants them to write letters to each. Again, Jonethen is not into it. But on they go with it. Connie is wearing very little makeup if any. I’m glad she is building her confidence. Jonethen is saying the right things. But, I’m getting an asshole vibe from him for the first time. I don’t trust him. The phone thing sort of makes him seem like a media whore. Or he has a girlfriend back home.
Hayley & David
It’s like we are going with the worst matches first. David has arranged to have them put questions and in box to answer. Why not just ask them of each other? Oddly, this little activity seems to go…okay. After a break, the voice over says most of the couples are growing closer? Really? That’s not what we just watched. However, we see Hayley and David take a pottery class and Hayley looks at him with affection and things seem to be going…well? Every time we check in on these two, they seem …happy! And Hayley seems much less annoying. Maybe she just had some social anxiety previous and got a bit drunk? I’m starting to hate her slightly less. FOR NOW. I literally had to put in the photo early to make sure it was the right couple. I’m happy for David.
Stacey & Micheal
We missed the intimacy exercise with these two and tune into them with Micheal telling Stacey she is beautiful without makeup. Which is man code for, “For Christsake, I hate getting three inches of makeup all over me when we kiss. He wants her to show her vulnerable side with a makeup free day. And for some reason, he wants to do her hair. That last part worries me. My stereotype of Aussie men is more, men are men and sheep are nervous. And I like that sort of guy. If a guy I was with wanted to do my hair? I’d think less of him. I’m just being honest.
With much trepidation and pissedoffery, (I just made that word up, I like it) she somehow allows this. AND he is going to wash her face. He is mocking her zits. And she is being a good sport. Better than I would be. What does she say she is going to look like to the producers? And absolute two? And absolute tool? I got left back in Australian language class. After a break and some other segments, we finally see Stacey’s completed look. He’s done a horrid job with her hair giving her Pippy Longstocking braids and she is still sporting heavy eyelashes that are probably sewn in. She is still very beautiful.
I hope she decides to stop all the plastic surgery and revert back to her natural state. Natural hair color, natural lips, natural eyelashes. She’d be quite the stunner then. She seems to like Michael and even let him expose her extensions and she needs to get rid of those too. She is being a good sport but missing the point! She’s a natural beauty and all the fakery she sprinkles on top is covering up her natural beauty! One day when she is old, she will wish she would have rocked her natural self while she had the natural beauty.
There is time for cosmetic surgery if you are vain, in your older years. She doesn’t need all the fakery. It’s not improving on her natural beauty! She seems way less stuck up now. OH NOE! The first episode ends with these two in a fight. Michael went out alone and came home drunk and obnoxious. WTF, Michael? I forgot about his drinking issues. Dayum. They are so cute together. He talked to her like shit when he came home drunk. So she kicked him out. Good for her. On to the next, episode.
Intimacy Week Part Two
Cathy & Josh
We skip right over the boring moving in parts with these to and pick up with Josh taking Cathy shopping at a lingerie shop. As Cathy says, this is clearly for Josh. She barely wears underwear. Say what? Someone has called the police to Cathy and Josh’s apartment? WTF?
Oh. Nevermind. They are playing dress up. lol. Cathy and Josh’s role play where she has some sort of whip she is beating her cop husband with is interspersed with the dueling insanity of Aleks and Ivan. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? I’m not sure what I just watched.
Tash and Amanda
Surely we are enduring this again because it is their last episode? I mean come on. Let’s just put Amanda out of her misery. This is unfair. They are not even in the same apartment. Does Tash have a nicer apartment? WTF? Amanda goes to pick her up for a cooking class or something and Tash has managed to find the time to get her teeth whitened. She’s totally on a vacation and not concerned with anything other than her camera time. I wish Amanda would just throw in the towel. This is some ridiculous shit right here. Supposedly, she can only eat white food. I can’t with this couple. Someone needs to rescue Amanda. I don’t even want to watch this segment. I want to drown Tash in the ocean.
Stacey & Michael
Apparently, we are going to just follow up with the first five couples again. This should have been two seasons of five couples not one season of ten couples. It’s too much. I’m irritated. These two are also living in separate apartments. Michael has no idea what he did wrong because he was too drunk to remember. I’m Team Stacey. Michael thinks he has nothing to apologize for. Michael is like a 13 year old idiot. Apparently he called his friends and trash talked her to them right in front of her. No wonder he is a billionaire who can’t keep a woman. No amount of money is worth being disrespected, Stacey.
Michael, the ALLEGED billionaire, tries to make up with Stacey with an apology cake. I can take one look at Stacey and see she had never eaten cake in her life. He needs to go with some fucking expensive jewelry. But if he knew how this works he would not be on this show. You couldn’t pay me enough to be with this douchebag. And Stacey was made to seem like she changed her mind about Michael because she’s a gold digger. No one wants the gold this badly, Michael. NO. ONE. Then he tries to make her dinner. But he can’t work a thing in the kitchen. It looks like he has a better apartment than everyone else. He invites Stacey for dinner and it is clearly take out. Do all Aussies eat food tines down How barbaric! I still like the couple though. They are equally materialistic.
Vanessa & Chris
I’ve forgotten about these two entirely. Chris has the “manflu” or something so Vanessa has dressed up as a nurse to shake him out of whatever his issue is. Did we ever see them again?
Hayley and David
These two have surprised me. I am starting to like this couple. They have consummated the wedding. And it was “certainly not vanilla” David is a Dom! No wonder he could not tolerate Hayley’s drunken aggression toward him. These two continue to draw closer. Hayley feeds David “bacon” (that’s not bacon, it’s ham) in high heels. Who knew these too would be so cute. Hayley drops the L word but only in the “I love you guys!” sort of way.
Connie and Jonethen
Connie is sleeping on the couch. I knew something was wrong with Jonethen. WTF has he done? Oh he got on social media. He is addicted to someone or something on social media. He didn’t even last an hour with no social media. Either he is a media whore, or he has a girlfriend. Either way, Connie needs to walk. He says the reason he hated the phone rule is because Connie wants all his attention. HELLO! YOU MARRIED HER and instead of choosing to focus on your marriage for a WHOLE WEEK without social media, you had to go see how many likes you have. When the ONE PERSON who actually likes you is ignored you horrid piece of shit! Run Connie, RUN! You deserve so much better than this dickwad. Let him live his online life.
On another day, Jonethen takes Connie to a live model drawing class. Connie is over him. And totally over it when Jonethen tells the model couple that he is “looking for the one.” The next say he is sucking up to be on the show. I want her to leave him.
Mishel and Steve
I think I was
told spoiled not to like Steve either but I still do. I hate Mishel though. So let’s check in with them. They are sleeping in separate beds. I can’t even tell you what happens next as Mishel tries to be the man in the relationship. I’ll just say Steve is not pleased that his something “smells like fish.” Perhaps Mishel needs a trip to the gyno? I would like to not think of this any further. She is apparently waving a can of raw tuna in his face. I really need to go to bed. I have to find a dentist in the morning. And this is just batshit stupid. Mishel is an idiot. Call me Steve! I cannot possible be more Team Steve! Mishel is a cunt who want things instead of experiences. If I every make it to the island… I’m stalking Steve. 🙂 He’s a nice guy that all the other players love. I’m Team Steve. Lets go out to a nice dinner and have fun. And fuck you Mishel.