MAFS Australia Recap: Four Weddings, Five Brides

I totally forgot about MAFS Australia this week so it’s a wonderful surprise that I get to do another MAFS Australia recap tonight! I am still not over the fact that there are twelve couples and so unprepared on photos. How many couples will marry this episode? All I know for sure is we are going to have our first lesbian wedding! I’m excited about that. Since Pride isn’t really happening around here this month, this will have to do for now. I want the narrator of this show to read me bedtime stories every night because I find her voice very soothing like an Aussie nanny. I need a nanny. And a maid. And a sous chef.

Natasha & Mikey

Natasha is a 26 six year old outspoken and bold businesswoman from Sydney who has always dated men who are significantly older than her, including her ex-fiancé. Determined to break the cycle of feeling like she is just arm candy, Natasha is looking for a good man who will treat her as their equal. Natasha has daddy issues because her dad was always away on business when she was young. She also has a double major in psychology and business.

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Mikey is 28  and from Sydney and has a solid work ethic. He recently stepped in to help run his family’s business, a nursing home founded by his grandfather. Mikey carries a self-assured façade but lacks confidence when it comes to interacting with women. He’s rich AF. But very sweet working at the old folks home. And he is a bit lacking in confidence with the ladies. I like this kid. Plus he’s really cute!

The Wedding

Mikey is really, really nervous. He might throw up. Natasha’s guy friend, possibly her GBF (hard to say, my gaydar doesn’t work as well in foreign countries) says outloud when Mikey walks out, “No. She’s not going to like him.” What an asshole thing to do. Some things you think and do not say. The bridemaids say he is cute. The asshole says that is precisely the problem. She will eat him alive.

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Mikey likes what he sees. Natasha sees how nervous he is and offers to tell him a joke. She touches his lapel and asks what his suit is made of. He doesn’t know. She replies, “It feels like husband material.” Everyone laughs and Mikey relaxes a bit. So cute! Maybe asshole guy is not gay. He seem very unsettled watching Natasha get married. Jealous? Also, is the bride black? I can’t tell. Whatever her ethnicity, whe is stunningly beautiful. On a side note, Australians really showed up for the protests this week. After a bit of hesitation by Mikey, they seal their marriage with a kiss.

The Honeymoon Suite

At the reception, Natasha is very happy with Mikey. Or at least Mikey’s height. Shy little Mikey suddenly breaks out of his shell and does sort of a solo break dance for the entire room. Natasha loves it. These two eventually get to their honeymoon suite and,,after a few kisses and cuddles, call it a night.

Tash & Amanda

Next up is the first same sex marriage on MAFS!  Amanda is 34 and  a self-proclaimed alpha-female from Melbourne. She is searching for a woman to love deeply and equally. Her European family has not always been accepting but more than ever, Amanda is ready to find her soulmate. She came out when she was 21 and her family made her feel like a disappointment. She gets emotional talking about it. Amanda has also struggled in her relationships. It’s heartbreaking to hear her talk about her struggles.

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Tash is a 31 year old bartender and yoga teacher from Adelaide who  can come off as intimidating to others considering her dark hair and striking tattoos. She hopes to find someone who is affectionate and expressive with their emotions. She’s hot. Really hot. I think they are both cat ladies. (Not in the bad way, 🙂 ) So this could be a good match. Except, they live eight hours apart by car. How will this work?

The Wedding

Amanda looks stunning in a white pantsuit with a white lace top. Tash wears a long white dress. Amanda is very, very nervous until she lays eyes on Tash who is really, very, attractive. They exchange housewives kisses and banter a bit before getting down to brass tacks. After two highly emotional sets of vows. They kiss and hug before the officiant even pronounces the marriage. I love this couple. I was so into the ceremony I forgot to type much. It was beautiful.

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At the photo shoot, where many MAFS couples struggle with the on camera kiss, these two can’t seem to stop kissing. They are both super happy at the reception. It seems all parties are pleased with the match. Oh wait, I spoke to quickly. Tash’s bridesmaids feel like Amanda is avoiding them and Tash’s parents. GIVE HER A MINUTE! SHE JUST GOT THERE! Oh the Aussie version keeps them together for twelve weeks. The US is what, 8 weeks?

With Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemies?

Tash’s bridesmaids are cuntsatchels. Then they drag Amanda away from her own wedding reception, and new bride for an interrogation. In Amanda’s vows she talks about having made mistakes in her past. So Thing One asks what the big mistake she referenced was. Amanda admits that she ended a relationship to get married at first sight. Thing One goes running to Tash to start drama. Thing Two joins in shortly after. Why are her “good friends” trying to ruin her wedding day? Why did they need to know the meaning behind the vows before Tash did? They need to butt the fuck out?

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So Tash drags Amanda outside for an interrogation of her own. Amanda explains that she applied to the show the night she broke up with her ex. She just knew that she would be matched and that it would work out. Then the ex started trying to get back with her. But she is definitely here for the right reasons. Now I am starting to wonder about Amanda. But can we at least give her more than a few hours to explain herself? Tash fully accepts Amanda’s explanation.

In The Honeymoon Suite

Eventually these two brides get some time alone in the honeymoon suite for even more kisses and champagne away from the prying eyes of Thing One and Thing Two. Eventually, it’s time to put on PJs, and spoon. Amanda is the big spoon. And off to the land of nod they go.

Hayley & David

It looks like we might get two more couples married this episode! Melbourne native Hayley is a 32 year old Finance broker. She suffered from a drug addiction ten years ago but has since turned to health and fitness to pull her out of darkness. She is now a body builder. Although drugs have had a huge impact on her life and relationships, she is ready to show her vulnerability and be loved by someone who accepts her, past and all. She wants to have a real family, she was kicked out of her home at age 17. I missed where Hayley is from but I think she is from Melbourne.

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David is a 31 year old former mixed martial artist from Melbourne who now drives trucks for a living. He had to stop fighting, due to a severe spinal injury. But after surgery, he is still able to be athletic but fighting is too dangerous. When he isn’t working, he is training his two horses on his farm. The farm is very beautiful, but he doesn’t meet many women there. He’s a hot Aussie cowboy! I love him. David’s parents are traditionalists who are skeptical of his participation in this experiment. Although their approval is important to him, he is willing to try anything to find a special connection again. I think these two fitness buffs could work together. Especially since they have both recovered from tragedy.

The Wedding

It appears that Hayley at least has a good relationship with her father who shows up in the bridal suite to see her before the wedding. She cries off all her makeup when she sees him. There was no mention of her mother. It could be love at first sight for David. He seems really pleased with Hayley. Hayley is equally as pleased and hugs and kisses David’s parents and then David. She’s giggling the whole time.

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Haley’s vows are cute and upbeat and funny. Just like Hayley. David gets super emotional in his vows and references his parents as a fine example for him to follow. He said his father suggested he include an apology in his vows, “I’m sorry, dear. Yes, dear. etc.” And that gets a big laugh. They seal their vows with a big kiss. This is a good match. Or at least I think so. His parents already hate Hayley. I think she is a bit too over the top for his conservative parents.

The Reception

These two goofballs have a blast at their photo shoot. They kiss a lot. Hayley is thrilled that David has a farm and two horses. She used to ride as well. This is off to a good start. They start talking about kids immediately. But then at the actual reception, Hayley is a bit over the top with her behaviors. She’s loud. She’s doing some sort of dance while sort of rapping into a microphone. David’s parent’s cringe. His parents hate Hayley more and more. Stupid Hayley seems like she wants to tell David about her drug problems at the reception in front of God and everyone. Can’t that wait a couple of weeks? Or at least til they get back to the hotel? She finally comes to her senses and decides to wait.

Vanessa & Chris

Vanessa is a 31 year old pharmacy manager from Perth. Due to a skin condition, she shields herself from hurt by rejecting men before they reject her. She doesn’t date during the day because she is more comfortable with dim lighting. She wears a lot of makeup to cover her very severe acne. Vanessa hopes the experts can find her someone to look past the scars and love her the way she wants to be loved back.

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Chris is a 37 year old youth worker from Adelaide. He is also a single dad of two young boys. He has always pictured the perfect family unit for himself, much like his parents who have been married for 38 years. Heartbroken following two failed engagements, Chris is determined to find the woman who will complete his ideal family portrait. These two live almost 1,700 miles apart! How the fuck does this work?

The Wedding

And the wedding is happening in Sydney? Why? Also, none of Vanessa’s family was “available” to attend the wedding. She only has her close friend Tootie. Tootie is dressed as a woman and is her maid of honor but uses the he/him pronouns. Make of that what you will. I’m worried that Chris has set his expectations too high. This match seems…unlikely. Vanessa is very, very nervous. Vanessa looks amazing. But Chris doesn’t exactly jump for joy when he sees her. This is awkward and kind of sad.

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When Vanessa says her vows, Chris seems to open up to her a bit more. However, he has had two failed engagements and I believe I am starting to see the reasons for that. The experts have their work cut out for them with these two. He made a joke I didn’t get due to his heavy accent. Something about his parents marriage molding him into a lifetime of happiness? IDGI. The kiss was a very quick peck that made Vanessa feel undesired and plays into her lack of confidence.

The Reception

Vanessa is already overcome by self doubt. She is convinced that Chris is not attracted to her. She may be right, but a lot of it is probably just her lack of confidence. And David seems like he has some issues we don’t know about just yet. Oh he is a douchebag. That’s his issue. When Vanessa asks if she is his type or if he normally goes for blondes. He says he does prefer blondes. I want her to kick this guy in the nuts. It’s fine if he is not attracted to her, but let’s not add insult to injury. Poor Vanessa compares the relationship to Beauty & The Beast.

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As it turns out, Vanessa has three friends there who are trying to tell her that her feelings that David is disappointed are all in her head. Based on conversations with Chris and his friends, Chris is actually pleased with Vanessa. Vanessa eventually lightens up. The newlyweds slip away for a private chat where David reveals he is a father of two children. Now Vanessa doesn’t seem so into Chris. But later she tells us she has no problem with him having kids. She just wants to know if he is attracted to her. Good Grief. Have some confidence. Back at the hotel Vanessa makes Chris sleep in a different bed.