As I am working on the setups for this Below Deck Med Recap, trying to collect all the new names for the tags (links you can find under every post to navigate to related subjects) the Secret Service and National Guard and God knows who else are tear gassing a large group of protesters who were totally peaceful. WTF? They started shooting them full of tear gas at about 6:15! The curfew is for 7 pm! Now they are bringing in mounted police and shooting rubber bullets. Again, these protesters completely peaceful. Anyway, the Below Deck Sailing Yacht Reunion Recap took forever. And now I have to talk about new people on Below Deck Med. My brain is on the fritz at this point. But I’ll do my best.
Oh wow! Are we going to be in Majorca this season? Maybe my bad bitch friend in Spain will take me there on our National Lampoon’s European vacation next year. You know, if we don’t all die in a fire first. I can’t even check to see if Atlanta is on fire right now because I’m taping two shows. (The other is Beauty and the Baker, I recommend it. It’s cute and mostly light.) It looks like many familiar stories this season, drugs on board, a less than par chef, Captain Sandy and Hannah fighting, Hannah not getting along with her stews, a near drowning incident, just to name a few.
Hannah, Hannah, Sandy?
We begin in the usual way with the chief stew arriving first to talk to the captain 24 hours before the first charter. I totally want to go Majorca. Tuatha needs to find me someone to marry in Spain. With an explicit prenup because I’m not much for going into a business transaction with another these days. The second Captain Sandy opens her mouth I hate her more than ever. She doesn’t get to decide who is cast on the show. So she can shut her damn mouth about Hannah. I can’t stand Captain Sandy because she is the only misogynistic lesbian I’ve ever encountered. Who knew that was a thing? The second thing out of her mouth was “white glove service… table settings…” TWO MINUTES IN AND I ALREADY DESPISE HER.
Next up is Chef Kiko. He’s hot and I love him before he opens his mouth. Sadly, I don’t think he is long for this show based on the previews. He’s Brazilian and I would marry him so he can have a green card. Wow that is two marriage comments in the first four hundred words. I think I just need to get laid somewhere, somehow, in quarantine in a hazmat suit with a hole. Anyway, Captain Sandy is telling Chef Kiko to use fresh not frozen food. Who tells a yacht chef that? So I am worried that this chef is like that that one female chef who could not cook at all and this is a scripted act and he won’t make it five episodes. Ah we actually get a flashback to Mila. So yes, scripted.
What To Do When The Bosun Doesn’t Have A Penis
Malia is back after three seasons as the bosun! Good for her! Hannah was shocked to see Malia. She has always been extremely jealous of her. Hopefully this season they can get along. #GirlPower The Bosun was supposed to bunk with the chef. But now that the the bosun doesn’t have a penis, she is going to bunk with Hannah leaving the second stew to … bunk with the third stew I guess.
Pete comes on the boat as a deckhand. He has captained a small boat and is an “ugly American.” It’s a tourist thing. Many Americans have no idea how to have respect in other countries. When Malia tries to pay him a compliment for being a captain on a small boat, and says she has not done that, he immediately says he will be happy to give her pointers. He seems like a dick immediately. Hannah hates him immediately with the front fanny pack and those weird sunglasses that I don’t even know how to describe. So they will probably grudge fuck in episode four. Alex, the Masshole deckhand seems cute and cuddly by comparison. And he’s a Masshole.
Who Knew Lesbians Were So Into Table Settings?
Then we briefly meet Lara, she’s Italian and threat to Hannah when it comes to getting laid…. so her life will be hell. She has a shit ton of experience and has been a chief stew before. Hannah is turning green on camera. Then they just do a sort of Gilligan’s Island “….and the rest are here on Below Deck Med Isle…” sort of thing so I am going to wait to give feedback on the lesser mortals. Oh Lord, Jessica, the third stew is hot and a former Hooter’s girl. I think it is Alex that she has worked with before. Rob has the hots for Jess. I have the hots for Rob. I think I am just hot to trot tonight or something. What is wrong with me? lol
Captain Sandy has her usual threatening welcome meeting. And we get to meet three of the real crew. Probably never to be seen again unless Kiko sets the kitchen on fire. I remember the season when we the first mate fell ill and hey could not leave for charter on the real Below Deck. Pete the American douchebag is Lead Deckhand. I hate him already. When Hannah tells Lara to focus on table decor she is less than thrilled. Perhaps Captain Sandy can do table decor this season since neither Hannah nor Leah enjoy it. I’d be thrilled to come on board and just be off camera and do table decor. We need a southern stew like Amy (Member her?) to come on and do that. Lara already hates Hannah. I am sort of Team Hannah myself. She’s an acquired taste.
Young, Dumb & Full Of Cum
We are fifteen minutes in and I have so much to say that I’m already a thousand words in! Pete knocked someone up that he barely knew at 19 and now has an eight year old kid. Pete calls his bosun, Malia sweetheart and seems to be ordering her around. Malia makes it clear to Pete that when she needs him to take over, she will let him know. You go, sweetheart!
Time for the first preference sheet meeting. It lasted ten seconds. Pete is such a condescending twat. Lara already hates Hannah. This is going to be GREAT! It’s sort of a language barrier. As for the boat, it is HUGE but the crew quarters are TINY. They are already starting to pair off and my facial recognition skills are so poor I don’t know who is who yet. Also, I am very distracted worrying about Nanette. She’s very said that her parrot died. I want to get done so I can call her.
Relationships About To Be Shattered?
Both Hannah and Malia claim to be in relationships of about a year. This seems like story line too. Hannah thinks she might be getting married and having babies soon. I hope that for her as well. Hannah already hates Lara. And the season has not yet begun. Robert is I think the one with the Dad jokes. And the one into Lara. I kind of love his dad jokes but never date a guy named Robert. I learned that lesson at least five times before it stuck.
The guests arrive and I am struck by the fact they are all wearing shoes. Then I notice there is wall to wall carpeting on this boat. Who wants carpeting on a boat? The boat is massive with giant TV screens. Who wants a giant TV screens on a boat? This boat is … odd. Also the wing station, where the caption docks and departs with the boat is INSIDE the boat. WTF?
Sooooooooooo Scripted. Adios, Kiko?
When have you ever seen Captan Mark, Or Captain Lee or Captain Glen come interrogate the guests about their first meal? But here comes Captain Sandy… UGH. I hate this script already. Why can’t we have more genuine scenes than this? Is it because she insists on being in as many scenes as possible? Then she goes to taste the shrimp. I hate Captain Sandy. I hate this story line. Just bring in the new chef already. She wants to cook the dishes and set the table and drive the boat and do the cabin flourishes. UGH. Sandy continues to stalk the dinner guests. It’s ridiculous.
And it looks like a dramatic season. But I’m not sold on it yet. What did you think?