Oh Joy! It’s time for me to do a bonus Pump Rules Recap! I’m sure this will be fabulous. After all the season was so chock full of interesting stuff that there has to be some great things on the cutting room floor! Oh wait. The entire season was a snooze fest. If there were any juicy secrets to reveal, surely they would have already done so. That said, Bravo doesn’t seem to know what we want to see. So maybe there will be something in here. But, I’m not holding my breath, and I suspect this will be a very short recap unless I get distracted and start talking about my day (a pretty good one relatively speaking) or Banjo ( who always wants pets right after I wash my hands.) And I am very emotional at the moment over an AGT performance. Let me pull myself together so I can see the screen.
Oh it looks like they may have scrapped the Secrets Revealed crap for sort of a reunion like episode on Zoom. This could be good. It’s like a Zoom version of Pillow Talk only the people watching with us are the cast of the show. We start with a secret from Schwartz. He and Katie moved into their house and five months later they still haven’t had sex in the house. Is that normal? Schwartz is slaving away in the kitchen making dinner for Schwartz. He also ordered fried chicken as a back out. Schwartz tries the fried chicken and it is too spicy. He can’t have sex now because his balls are too sweaty. Schwartz sucks at a lot of things. But coming up with reasons not to fuck Katie is not one of them. He’s masterful at that.
What we don’t need is more scenes of Stassi or Scheana. We especially don’t need a scene with just the two of them. And if you have a wine line should you be bringing in some screw top bottle of pinot grigio and drinking it out of tumblers over ice? Don’t all of these people live in WeHo, gay capital of the country? Why are these two so anti LGBT? Did they learn this from Lisa Vanderpump? Do they even know what the B stands for? So obnoxious.
Gonna Party Like It’s 2012?
They have so little to show us tonight, they have to remind us that Danica got suspended from SUR for two weeks. Then a ton of random flashbacks from eight years ago. Sooooo many flashbacks. Secret reveal: Stassi’s little sister got married the same week as Jax and Brittany. OOOOOH. Shocking reveal! In another reveal, Brittany drinks too much tequila. Who knew? She goes to see the doctor about her hangovers. I am not making this up.
My girlfriend, Megan Rapinoe, was just on some sort of commercial selling some canned something or another. She seemed sad we cannot touch right now because of the virus. She was totally talking to me through the teevee, y’all. Best part of this episode.
Jax’s quarantine beard looks disgusting. How does Brittany put up with that? Also what’s with the chipmunk cheeks? Is it the Quarantine fifteen? James looks great. Raquel has her confidence back.
So They Put In Potty Humor?
Oh my God who is this disgusting waitress., Charli. I can’t even mention this. She needs to never be on the show again. She’s worse than Scheana. So gross. I zipped through LVP and Charli. That’s just too much to ask of me.
Did Jax just tell Stassi he is “inhaling things” on Zoom? Another shocking secret revealed. The scenes from Vegas terrify me. I’ll never go there again. The reunion clip looks…like a lot of fake drama. And all the usual screaming. And that Charli thing is on there. Andy needs to mute everyone except the person he is talking too.