I’m excited to recap this episode of Top Chef. I don’t know what to do about my sleep schedule. I woke up at 4 am hungry. I’m having a whole lot of trouble eating because the anxiety is so bad, so I knew I had to get up and eat something. I made bacon and cheese grits and planned to go back to bed. I needed to sort through my disaster of and email in box so I thought I’d do that for a few minutes and suddenly it was noon. Now, I want to go back to bed. Should I try to power through until 8pm or something? I dunno. I’m really sleepy. Anyway… Moving on to the Top Chef recap…
I am still sad about Kevin going. But I am sadder about Eric going last week. I love that Gregory won though. I’d be happy with a Gregory win. Oh wait, they are giving us the Kevin is coming back edit. I love my homeboy but I really want Eric back.
WTF Is The Deal With Adult Summer Camp?
And we are going to summer camp. This sounds like a hot mess.
I totally overpaid for getting my grass cut, There was an adorable boy who helped. And It was a pay it forward, But my bushes got an OBSCENE haircut and I might be able to see out all summer. My only look on life is out my window. And the Bushes will come back. Don’t tell lawn kid. I could never seem to get the people to understand, I don’t care how bad my bushes look. I care about seeing out of my window! Now, I can see out of my window but it totally needs cleaning or maybe replacing. The bad news is there are already nests with eggs in there. I thought it was early enough that we’d be okay in that regard. My lack of concept of time is killing the bird population now.
So anyway, I had to stop and Google Pali Mountain, apparently it is in San Bernardino mountains. The drive there was gorgeous! Is this some sort of crossover for that ridiculous adult camp show? I could make better bean dishes than these people. It is clear they have never opened a can of beans in their lives. I would probably have made soup, or chili with white beans. Oh they are all using white beans. Karen is making my white bean soup. But there is no chicken broth. This would be problematic. Leeane is making some sort of hot ham pie with black beans that sounds like an empanada sort of thing to me. You can’t go wrong with an empanada.
Beans Beans Good For Your Heart…
I can also be happy with a can of white beans with raw sliced onions and ketchup. Yes I know that sounds nasty but sometimes the stomach wants what the stomach wants. And while there are many great southern chef down here who make amazing things, sometimes the best bites are found in the poor neighborhood with an Southern Baptist or AME lady cooking on a shoestring budget. I do not get Malarkey’s dish AT ALL. Carrrots? Pine? Do people think these things go together?
Karen’s white bean soup sounds good. Don’t think thyme is the best spice for the dish. Do people think thyme and ham hock goes together? And I HATE rosemary. I really want to like it, but I just don’t. Stephanie’s bean burger is a total miss. Why is she still here when Eric is not? Bryan V’s dish looks AMAZING. But he really didn’t highlight the beans. Melissa fried some dough. I’d eat that. She also didn’t highlight the beans. Ah that was a black bean empanada that Leanne was making. She can’t lose with this dish if she made it right. Because, EMPANADAS! And purple hull peas slaw. Bring this to my mouth! Gregory’s bean salad looks good.
They hated Stephanie’s burger. And they agreed with me that Bryan V’s dish was a steak dish not a bean dish. Ditto Melissa’s dish. It’s very odd for her to be on the bottom. Karen, Leanne and Gregory are in the top. Leanne wins. Because, empanadas. I’m hungry. She won $10K.
A Brutal Elimination Challenge
The elimination challenge is Sunday brunch buffet for a group of 200 moms spending the weekend at camp. They each have to make two dishes with 200 portions each. I am going to need someone to make crepes on request. Please and thank you. They only have whatever ingredients are in the camp pantry. But first they get to play and zipline. It was hilarious scene of the city slickers getting down and dirty.
I was just about to type that Karen has no plan at all and Bryan’s dishes sound amazing. Then Karen admitted both of those things. Malarkey got screwed with no serving station. Gregory got screwed on time and had to abandon his egg dish. This may be the most difficult challenge on Top Chef ever. Leeanne got screwed by the ovens that were somehow set to steam. It’s a giant clusterfuck in the kitchen. There is some idiot woman with a clipboard and mask knocking on my dame door. WTF? I just went all angry old lady and screamed go away. WTF is she thinking? And I literally just sanitized the goddamn door because the lawn guy had to touch the screen door handle to get his money off the front door.
What Is Going On With Melissa?
Melissa basically took whatever was left over and now the judges are trashing her dish. What is going on with Melissa this episode!??? I’m hungry again. I’m going to thaw out some shrimp for my left over grits and do some sort of tomato gravy. I HAVE RIPE TOMATOES. The plants all look sick and are not growing right. Like the plants look like they are about to DIE (not in a fire, the usual way) but the fruit is super plentiful and fantastic even on the non cheat plants which should not be giving me fruit for a whole nuther month. I’m also wide awake now. Some idiot awakened angry old lady in the hood. And I am now practicing Trump coronavirus cure by inhaling a shit ton of bleach into my lungs.
A friend from here brought me disinfectant wipes and spray bleach. She’s a godsend and I was really snippy with her recently. We had a conversation on the end of a bad conversation with my brother and I was overly sensitive. Shocker, I know. I am trying to make that all last for …PROBABLY THE REST OF MY LIFE. BTW the mayor got back to me and said the old and comprised folks are in quarantine through the end of the month at minimum. I was planning on just quarantining forever anyway. I didn’t know I was still on some sort of legal lockdown.
Holy shit now the drag racers are here. The ATL is full of idiots drag racing on the mostly empty roads. And then their are the biker posses out doing wheelies It’s no wonder I have and overly inflated opinion of my intelligence. I live in the land of abject morons. Of course I seem smart to me.
Oh I like Karen’s dish. Because, grits. And corn cakes with feta and hot and sweet syrup? What is hot and sweet syrup? I’d eat it. Bryan V’s food is beyond my culinary appreciation. I don’t even know what some of it is. You are feeding the masses here Bryan and the masses want pancakes and shrimp and grits. The judges like it. They seem to think that is what bacon should look like. I think that m
ight be pork belly, which I would never eat. I’d feel like a cannibal. The moms all want to have THE SEX with Brian V. I mean, I would throw him out of my bed, but I didn’t think he hit the mark this challenge.
The Judges Table
So of course the fancy pants judges loved Bryan V. Because fancy rich people food. But I shall stress again this is not how brunch works. Be do agree on Karen because that IS how brunch works. Gregory whose did I don’t even remember. I think he had an egg dish and just had to abandon ship and do something else. I’m team Karen for this one but Bryan will probably take it. With… Brunch carrots? Gregory made a fruit salad and like a mushroom dish? And they gave it to Bryan. Because snobby food.
I think we are about to lose Malarkey and I am kind of in love with him now. But Melissa got a bad edit all episode and I don’t want her to go either. I want Leeanne to go. I like her just fine but she’s in the bottom a lot and has no shot to win while the other two do. Fuck they are going to send Melissa home. Oh wait! They sent Leeanne home! YAY! At least she won 10K.
Next Week is Japanese food. They are not playing this season. Who the hell knows how to cook Japanese food?