OMG! OMG! Woke up sobbing IN A GOOD WAY! It was March 13 when I went down for the count and today is MAY 13 and I just woke up and GMA is saying we may get pools back! They were actually talking about normal people pools but I just want to stew in a pool with some geriatric people. I had just joined the old people therapy pool in my town and I MISS IT SO MUCH. There usually wasn’t more than ten people in the pool at a time, AND THIS MIGHT HAVE THINNED THE HERD of the group of old bitties who used to congregate to talk about how some of us were doing things wrong while blocking our our lanes! At this point I am ready to offer myself as tribute. I can walk in a pool full of chlorine and if I die I die!
OMG! Remember February 16, 2020? We might could bring back Lentil Season! But Better yet! MY PERSONAL WAR WITH HONEY BADGER CAN CONTINUES SOON! Here is that story from right before the Zombie Apocalypse on like March 5th.
I just sent the events of the pool to a friend. I am LENTILING which means I have to work out. Here is how that went. It helps to be familiar with the Youtube about the Honey Badger. Honey Badger don’t give a shit. It is the best Youtube ever in the history of Youtubes. YOU MUST WATCH!I It is only 3 minutes, AKA the best three minutes of your day. But you MUST have the sound on! I want Randall to be my best friend. See my story below the link.
The Therapy pool has strict hours for each available activity. My favorite pool time is T TH from 4 to five. If you are late you can walk but under no circumstances can you stay a minute past 5. Five to six is for the lap swimmers.
So I was a little late to the pool about five minutes or so, and somehow I think I forgot to hit my lap clicker a few times. So I had to really push it to get my clicker to 44 laps.
Then Honey Badger came in more than half way through the hour. Thursdays are the best days to go because the therapy lane is usually available and almost everyone has their own lane or only shares with one person. I had a lane to myself, not my favorite lane, but my own lane. My girlfriend who brings the music was the lifeguard. She is literally the only one who I think could save me or anyone else. Life was good. Then my ankle started flopping and I realized I forgot my ankle support. I was losing a tiny bit of my happy place when Honey Badger arrived.
Honey Badger is very, very old and big and has a very scary face. She comes in with a walker with tons of plastic bags that are probably full of dead baby heads or something. She looks mean. And whatever lane she wants she gets. Guess whose lane she wanted? She plops a sack or two of possible baby heads or dead puppies (we never know because she never actually opens the bags for any reason) right by my lap clicker and my ginormous bottle of electrolyte water.
The music is still playing though and I was good. I tried to have good Christian thoughts about Honey Badger. I ain’t the most pleasant bitch in the pool myself. Perhaps we could bond after all. But Honey Badger won’t pick a side of the lane and stay with it. Also, at the end of the lane she will sprawl across the whole lane doing some sort of floaty shit before coming back. Probably trying not to die. My ankle really dislikes Honey Badger.
Eventually, the hour is almost up and another lane comes open. I have to move my clicker and water and time is ticking and I have like eight more laps to do in ten minutes. It takes a couple of minutes to move my things and the clock is ticking. I go full speed and my my laps. I am great. I was the second cutest/smallest person in the pool today! I think smug things about the fatties fatter than me. I am killing this shit!
It is now ONE minute after five and the serious lap swimmers are in the pool giving me the eye for putting my weights away from the pool (which blocks my favorite lane) instead of getting out and walking around. I fear the lap swimmers. They are the cool kids. I try to waddle away quickly.
And then I see it. It’s Honey Badger. Honey Badger is swimming laps like an Olympic swimmer. She has form. She has speed. She might be the second best lap swimmer in the damn pool. She was there early to claim her swim lane. The Honey Badger always wins, dammit.
For me, I learned a lot during this pandemic. I know it is not over but if I can get back in the therapy pool today I would risk it. It beats the hell out of crying and drinking and being afraid every day. And my family who “loves me so much” not checking on me once. I think my sister may have once. But in my darkest moments my brother just would not take a drunken phone call while in despair. But Nanette and Cindy and others of you would. Then the narcissistic brother, who is slightly less of an asshole of the dead to me brother, would send letters about how I was doing so good before the pandemic and I need to stop drinking while terrified I was going to die. Or he was going to die. Or my sister was going to die or my niece was going to die. And how they all loved me.
I found out who loved me. And who did not. And you guys loved me. You guys shopped for me and sent me things I needed. You guys didn’t judge (much, lol) how I was dealing with the pandemic. You guys gave me space when I needed it. And held me close when I needed it. Y’all are my chosen family. Never heard a word from anyone except my sister unless I initiated it. And when I tried to call my brother, I got the usual judgement followed by it is all about him. And how everyone “loves me” BUT… So this has been a period of enlightenment.
I am not saying self quarantine is over for me. I am a high risk person. But, I just want Honey Badger to teach me how to swim laps. I’d risk anything for that. I want to be annoyed by her being IN MY MOTHER FUCKING LANE again. And I want to train for the 5K for next year. Thank you guys for sticking around when the cheese was clearly sliding off my sandwich.