OMG! OMG! Woke up sobbing IN A GOOD WAY! It was March 13 when I went down for the count and today is MAY 13 and I just woke up and GMA is saying we may get pools back! They were actually talking about normal people pools but I just want to stew in a pool with some geriatric people. I had just joined the old people therapy pool in my town and I MISS IT SO MUCH. There usually wasn’t more than ten people in the pool at a time, AND THIS MIGHT HAVE THINNED THE HERD of the group of old bitties who used to congregate to talk about how some of us were doing things wrong while blocking our our lanes! At this point I am ready to offer myself as tribute. I can walk in a pool full of chlorine and if I die I die!
OMG! Remember February 16, 2020? We might could bring back Lentil Season! But Better yet! MY PERSONAL WAR WITH HONEY BADGER CAN CONTINUES SOON! Here is that story from right before the Zombie Apocalypse on like March 5th.
I just sent the events of the pool to a friend. I am LENTILING which means I have to work out. Here is how that went. It helps to be familiar with the Youtube about the Honey Badger. Honey Badger don’t give a shit. It is the best Youtube ever in the history of Youtubes. YOU MUST WATCH!I It is only 3 minutes, AKA the best three minutes of your day. But you MUST have the sound on! I want Randall to be my best friend. See my story below the link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
The Therapy pool has strict hours for each available activity. My favorite pool time is T TH from 4 to five. If you are late you can walk but under no circumstances can you stay a minute past 5. Five to six is for the lap swimmers.
So I was a little late to the pool about five minutes or so, and somehow I think I forgot to hit my lap clicker a few times. So I had to really push it to get my clicker to 44 laps.
Then Honey Badger came in more than half way through the hour. Thursdays are the best days to go because the therapy lane is usually available and almost everyone has their own lane or only shares with one person. I had a lane to myself, not my favorite lane, but my own lane. My girlfriend who brings the music was the lifeguard. She is literally the only one who I think could save me or anyone else. Life was good. Then my ankle started flopping and I realized I forgot my ankle support. I was losing a tiny bit of my happy place when Honey Badger arrived.
Honey Badger is very, very old and big and has a very scary face. She comes in with a walker with tons of plastic bags that are probably full of dead baby heads or something. She looks mean. And whatever lane she wants she gets. Guess whose lane she wanted? She plops a sack or two of possible baby heads or dead puppies (we never know because she never actually opens the bags for any reason) right by my lap clicker and my ginormous bottle of electrolyte water.
The music is still playing though and I was good. I tried to have good Christian thoughts about Honey Badger. I ain’t the most pleasant bitch in the pool myself. Perhaps we could bond after all. But Honey Badger won’t pick a side of the lane and stay with it. Also, at the end of the lane she will sprawl across the whole lane doing some sort of floaty shit before coming back. Probably trying not to die. My ankle really dislikes Honey Badger.
Eventually, the hour is almost up and another lane comes open. I have to move my clicker and water and time is ticking and I have like eight more laps to do in ten minutes. It takes a couple of minutes to move my things and the clock is ticking. I go full speed and my my laps. I am great. I was the second cutest/smallest person in the pool today! I think smug things about the fatties fatter than me. I am killing this shit!
It is now ONE minute after five and the serious lap swimmers are in the pool giving me the eye for putting my weights away from the pool (which blocks my favorite lane) instead of getting out and walking around. I fear the lap swimmers. They are the cool kids. I try to waddle away quickly.
And then I see it. It’s Honey Badger. Honey Badger is swimming laps like an Olympic swimmer. She has form. She has speed. She might be the second best lap swimmer in the damn pool. She was there early to claim her swim lane. The Honey Badger always wins, dammit.
For me, I learned a lot during this pandemic. I know it is not over but if I can get back in the therapy pool today I would risk it. It beats the hell out of crying and drinking and being afraid every day. And my family who “loves me so much” not checking on me once. I think my sister may have once. But in my darkest moments my brother just would not take a drunken phone call while in despair. But Nanette and Cindy and others of you would. Then the narcissistic brother, who is slightly less of an asshole of the dead to me brother, would send letters about how I was doing so good before the pandemic and I need to stop drinking while terrified I was going to die. Or he was going to die. Or my sister was going to die or my niece was going to die. And how they all loved me.
I found out who loved me. And who did not. And you guys loved me. You guys shopped for me and sent me things I needed. You guys didn’t judge (much, lol) how I was dealing with the pandemic. You guys gave me space when I needed it. And held me close when I needed it. Y’all are my chosen family. Never heard a word from anyone except my sister unless I initiated it. And when I tried to call my brother, I got the usual judgement followed by it is all about him. And how everyone “loves me” BUT… So this has been a period of enlightenment.
I am not saying self quarantine is over for me. I am a high risk person. But, I just want Honey Badger to teach me how to swim laps. I’d risk anything for that. I want to be annoyed by her being IN MY MOTHER FUCKING LANE again. And I want to train for the 5K for next year. Thank you guys for sticking around when the cheese was clearly sliding off my sandwich.
Y’all! I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO THE THERAPY POOL! I WOULD TOTALLY GO! There are never more than ten people in it. And the weight room/Ttreadmill never has has more than three people! And everyone is eleventy billion years old and is really just there to socialize! I NEED THEM TO REOPEN THE OLD PEOPLE HEALTH CENTER!!!! I will wear the mask one of you sent me!
A well chlorinated pool can kill Covid-19! Probably the safest thing to open first, really. I’m allergic to Chlorine so please update us if you get to swim again. I’ll live vicariously.
This post is one of the most positive you posted in a long time try to keep up that feeling in that momentum and not slide backwards it’s hard because we all feel the same issues when you start to feel yourself going back down the hole try to remember how good this feels
this all comes from a place of love I live with a chronic illness everyday but if decided I’m going to live start going to Starbucks again where the stupid math to the grocery store and take my dog for walks when my legs want to work right
You know how to do what’s best for you more than anyone else. I hope you are feeling better and finally can get your meds again..
I am literally crying at this possibility. My yoga mat is still in the car which prolly has a dead battery!
“Go gcuire Dia an t-ádh ort.” / “May God put luck upon you.”
I hope you can go to the pool! When they were talking about reopening pools in Texas I thought of you.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I’m so excited for both of us I could explode. I cried when our pool closed. Our HOA is not commiting to opening on the 18th but since they have followed the Governor’s mandates until now I can be cautiously optimistic. I’m a lap swimmer, not a good one and I don’t consider myself a honey badger although the kids in the pool might think otherwise. I’m sorry but the lanes are there for a reason. ? I was always polite and smiley! Swimming made me happy and I now feel grotesque and round without it. Start with a side crawl Tamara, easy and the honey badger just might crack a bit. Let’s get this swimming thing started!
Lorraine, also a lap swimmer 4-5 times/wk. I miss it so much. I was actually checking out wetsuits. lol I was sitting around and finally got a rowing machine since it kind of uses the same muscles. So with that and walking my dogs I feel better but would kill for the Y to open. I hate starting all over again.
JKW We will get back to it. I promised myself I would be swimming a mile a day by the end of the summer. Before this started. ? Keep at it.
So I sent this to NOT MY MAYOR today.
Dear Mr Norton,
I too went to Sprayberry at the same time Travis Tritt would sing at our Spring Flings and we could smoke cigarettes on campus, and still go to prayer meetings in the morning.
I am writing to you because I am an old maid. My drivers license says I live in your town, but apparently I don’t. I could not even check a book out of the library. Then I joined Nextdoor (I don’t recommend it. To here them tell it we are all going to die at any given moment). And I found out about the Wolfe Center.
I FOUND OUT I COULD JOIN! There was a bit of an extra YOU ARE NOT REALLY ONE OF US fee but I didn’t care. It was the best thing that ever happened to me I stopped crying at home alone and went out and bought yoga mats and Swimsuits!!! Then I found out there was an outdoor pool I could go to this summer! And there was supposed to be a 5k WITH A PIE FOR THE WINNER! This old lady will run for some pie. I took Yoga classes. BTW they Suuuuuuuuuuuuk. I mean they are hard AF. But I went anyway.
I was out of my depression and ever so grateful. There was one really nice lady who would talk to me at the front desk and make me late for class.
So today, I heard on GMA or something that pools might be okay.
I’ve written entire posts on my website about how SOME of the old people just like to stand in the therapy pool and chat while I am trying to get my mile in during the hour. And how no one will do anything about it because old ladies. 🙂
But I would LOVE for my problem to be that annoying group of gossips who blocks my lane. I promise you there are never more than ten people in that therapy pool. And when I was trying to waddle my way to the 5K there was never more than three people in the weight room and we were socially distancing even then! (while watching some ridiculous HGTV show).
So my point, and I did have one, is if you could very quietly just open the old people gym, (we don’t have to tell anyone like the other gym you should probably NOT open) I would totally go. And I know we are all high risk. But seriously, there are never tons of us there at once. I would wear a mask.
I’m either going to drink myself to death and die alone, or I am going to water walk, and use the treadmill. (we don’t need classed yet) you could limit the excercise room to three people and everyone who wants to go could still go. An limit the pool to one person per lane. And let that one nice lady have her job. And the older lifeguard who actually does her job. It will all be fine.
In the name of Sprayberry Jackets and Georgia Bulldawgs, I beg or you.
Tamara (who lives in NotSymrna but has to have your cable but not your garbage pickup…IJS the garbage company we have is robbing us blind)
That is all.
I clearly misspelled the name of the town a billion times, among other miscalulations. Because I am finishing this glass of wine And I am okay with that. Because you guys are FOR THE MOST PART nice to me. And I love you all for that.
This should be published, it is AMAZING!!! ?
HA! As a fellow old lady, I salute you. I told a snooty little door watcher the other day that I was old, infirm and to leave me alone. Bitch probably was thinking infirm (infirm as in out of shape) you got that right. We old ladies have to stick together and stand up for our rights.
Also, because I woke up next to a glass of wine. I drank it. But I used to LOVE RAND PAUL. I was a donor who was invited to his inauguration! HOW IS HE SUCH A COCK EYED MORON NOW?
Ugh, I can’t stand Rand!
Rand Paul is the worst, calling him a moron is upgrading his stupidity and a true disservice to morons everywhere.
This post made me so happy! I could picture the pool, the Honey Badger and could feel your joy through the words. I will admit, as a fat lady myself, to be thrilled when I am not the fattest person in the room. Wishing you sunshine, plentiful tomatoes and a pool that opens soon.
I am GINORMOUS. And I know online people kinda lie about that but seriously, I AM. And I LOVE THE OLD PEOPLE CENTER. Because sometimes I feel okay. I REALLY NEED THE OLD PEOPLE GYM TO OPEN!
Oh and honey badger are and me are MORTAL ENEMIES.
For now.
Also the second we get out of this… If I can ever get to that Koren/Asian/I have no idea that is out in the hinterlands like Duluth or somewhere. I may just go and ask if I can stay. I want a scrub, and all the weird shit they do there. I need a cleaning. And a nice night in a hotel room.
PLEASE GOD LET THIS POOL OPEN. I COULD BE DOING SO GOOD!
Well fuck. The hot lesbian lifeguard just called me back and said June 12th at the earliest.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS! It is almost a gathering of less than ten!
I am now all sad and drunk again.
On the brightside, the how lifeguard called me! She seemed rather pained to do it. But she did. Maybe because I was drunk at noon time? People seem to have a problem with that. BUT MAYBE IF I COULD GET IN A CAR AND GO WORK OUT??????????????????
Irish Question – Anyone had an email in the last 60 mins from TT?
TT – For your sake I hope you have run out of Merlot and have gone to bed and are dreaming of swimming pools and not Jamon?
Update appreciated
Sorry your pool dreams got shot down but I love the cocoon reference, FWIW. And I’m with tuatha, in that I’m hoping you’re okay and just went back to bed. I haven’t been drinking but I’m going going back to bed too. Because, really, what is the point of doing anything today when I can put it off to tomorrow or the next months lol. Never ending Groundhog Day is annoying AF to say the least. But thankful I’m alive and so are my loved ones so far. I’m just going to echo TT’s plea for everyone to stay home regardless of what your idiot governor might say (mine is topping the list of idiots as I’m in Texas). It’s not fun for anyone but it beats getting the virus! And since opening back up our numbers are spiking AGAIN so we’ll probably get locked down again and start all over from jump, only with more unnecessary sick and dying due to opening prematurely. I’d just like to be able to see my kids again before 2027. ( I know, I’m selfish like that.) Stay safe and healthy everyone! xo
I was on the phone trying to plead my case to get my therapy pool back. I am offering money I don’t have.
Ha! I just woke up to melot and am storming the old people place! I am on the phone when one of the reps now. I asked if my rich imaginary Internet husband could rent it out. She said now. But I SHALL get it opened before June 12. THERE ARE LITERALLY NEVER more than ten people in there.
Oh and maybe it’s the suicide hotline post that was worrying you. I was watching the news. It’s a thing. So I did a public service announcement. I’m NOT ever or will ever be suicidal. HOMICIDAL maybe if it was for a good cause. But even then I would have to leave my house.
Yes, Merlot Queen,
I was getting a tad concerned however homicide did also pass through my mind if you did not post. !!!
I mused over Villanelle and eventually ginger cake with laburnum, an ice pick through the earlobe was also a possibility.
You scared the fecking BeJesus out of me woman,
As per Emily D “One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing. Material place
I am getting the adoption papers organised.
Get that specific type of CLEANER I suggested and not a HOMICIDE CLEANER,
I may also be giving you some false teeth as per my mammy.
My point was you can call the hotline. Or email me at tamaratattles on gmail.com I am on hold with with the pool lady, Not the hot life guard. lol. I offered up my rich Internet husband to OPEN THE GODDAMN POOL FOR ME… apparently they don’t do that. So fuck. I NEED MY POOL! There are times when there are only tow other people in there!
Maybe I just need his people to call my people. I NEED THE GODDAMN POOL TO OPEN!
I can’t remember a time when there were ten old ladies in the pool trying to work out. There is a cluster of cunts who block the lanes while spreading rumors. but there are always enough lanes for the people working out.
And why can’t my gusband just buy me the place for my birthday and give people their Jobz?
And it is supposed to open on June 12th. OPEN IT FOR ME
Hang in there, girl! My exercise class is starting again next week, with us able to use only every other bike for distancing. I’m kind of worried about inhaling germs, but I’m not high risk and my mental health needs it.
There has literally never been more than two people in my workout room. Old farts don’t work out. It’s mostly the hot old men when there is someone. 🙂 We all watch the HGTV channel for some reason. I don’t even change the channel when I am alone. MUST GET TO THE DRAMATIC MAKEOVER SCENE!
Ha!!! Pool stories. I love it. My BFF became a water aerobics instructor to pay for her family’s groceries after the crash. The stories she would call to tell me. The drama. The nuttery. The battles. Sounds like your pool, but we’re in another state, so, hmmm. Tell me more and I will be here for it all. Loved it.
Did I mention the hot lesbian lifeguard returned my drunken message I left on the phone?
And yes, we need a lifeguard in four feet of water. She brings music. GOOD music and she like watches us and knows everything that is going on. She pays attention. She changes out filters. She is THERE TO SAVE US. Because Lord knows I could drown at any moment. Then the teens come on, they just play on the phone and would not even notice if I drowned in four feet of water. I may or may not have fangirled out and will never be able to face her.But her music choices for my workout are FANTASTIC. I am speed waddling and signing to the eighties. Try not to visualize that. It’s way worse than RHOA titties.
I am glad you found a bright spot. My bud said her class came just to mean girl anyone not in their clique and didn’t even want to work out, but got weirdly aggressive to anyone who came to swim. One decided to run her own class in the pool space allotted and attempted a takeover. Ha.
When she tested for certification for general water safety, the tester told her she had failed. Because some schedule change for the others meant she had been the only one taking the test that day, she pinned the woman down on just what she had gotten wrong. Turns out the woman had overlaid the wrong key. That examiner had an entire filing cabinet full of test sheets she’d done that with and an entire hoard of people she’d wrongly failed. You reminded me just how much I missed hearing about it all. There was always some weird drama there.
I’ve emailed the mayor twice saying my imaginary internet husband will give me this for my birthday…I am not a workout person. I am not sure I can make it til June 12th. I promised the shiney new mayor… who I do not know at all that my imaginary husband would pay all the bills. At this point, I’ll figure out a way to pay all the bills. I AM NOT DOING GOOD. I need to get back on the old people gym schedule. I am just afraid and all alone with no family. PLEASE GIVE ME MY POOL.
I will pay anything I have to work out in this pool.
YOU NEED TO GO TO BED /SLEEP/ SHOWER/EAT
I thought I was going to get to go back to the therapy pool. The therapy pool is not just physical.
No, I woke up to pools are okay. Then i found out they were not. So maybe I said my rich imaginary husband would pay AND HE WOULD. BUT I too would pay. I would pay anything to go to the old people place again. I went from doing great to a ball of fear. I want to go back to doing great.
THEN GO TO BED /SLEEP/ SHOWER/EAT
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
I know you were shouting at Tamara, but I slept, showered, and ate. Love to read your posts.
When the pool finally opens buy a Baby Ruth on your way. Hide it in your cleavage while you get your laps in. If Honey Badger wants your lane unwrap it and let it float free.
Yesss
I’m going back to bed. Made our family zoom meeting at 1PM, ate, now it’s nap time. My imaginary rich and kind husband will pay for it all in dream land. 5,12 hour shifts a week is busting this old lady’s ass. Our Governor is stupid too. I’m not changing a damn thing. We can’t get any tests so um,I’m thinking this is just a bad idea to change what I’ve been doing,it’s clear who needs to be protected,that what I intend to continue to do!
I love the movie Cocoon! Makes me cry every time! I noticed our night nurse has a lovely bottle of wine in the fridge this am, it’s still there but I have my stash for days off and haven’t been motivated to even open, maybe when I do laundry. While I’ve been typing this I recieved a text asking me to work tomorrow…?? I’ll think about it…
Your Choice….Stay Safe…Virtual Hugs
Our Governor still has us on time out and we aren’t allowed to have friends over still. He says we need 14 days of no new cases. Los Angeles is on quarantine now until at least August !!! the Public Health officials say. I don’t know why we have to suffer. We have 22 cases we have had that same number for over a month. This SUCKS.
I feel your pain. 3 cases for 4 weeks, we also need another 14 days due to bed space,,,, I get it however if bed spaces are a concern now, what will happens in 14 days if/when they open our Province and over 70% of Spain arrives from 5 other Provinces and there is a spike which seems to be happening?
Surely bed space could be an even bigger problem… crazy fecking times.
I thought Newsom has handled this as well as he could. LA did get hit hard. We’re starting to open up and a new wave will happen. It does suck.
Some of my positive posts are disappearing into the ethers. Maybe too long.
Remember back in school when you had to write an essay X number of words long? I was the one who ALWAYS had twice as many words and had to edit it down.
Your frozen home made banana liquor/hooch recipe is a high priority..!!
Positively post that recipe and remember this is Midweek Madness Wednesday so I will ignore your previous post in regard to ” editing” long story short DON’T YOU DARE edit a fecking thing.!!
Flip It – Maybe to short!!
NANETTE, I also want the recipe for the frozen overripe banana liquor/hooch! Correction: I NEED IT! I keep fucking up my online grocery orders and they keep giving me 4 BUNCHES of bananas instead of four individual bananas. I have enough bananas to feed the damn zoo! Been giving to neighbors and even they’re sick of free bananas. PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP, POST THE RECIPE!! ???
Oops. I wasn’t clear. Not a recipe and the frozen black bananas develop a liquor, as in an “extracted” fluid, not alcohol. It turns into a more intense flavored banana.
For any recipe that calls for fresh ripe, or over-ripe bananas, just substitute a 1:1 thawed frozen banana for the fresh ripe bananas. It Ramos up the flavor in banana bread and banana cake. I do not know about banana pudding, though … MAYBE it would be good, but the COLOR … maybe not. Sorry for confusion.
Thanks for this. I’m up for a science experiment lol! xo
Ripe bananas, rum to taste or need,cream or milk or more rum if needed or desired and ice. Blender bender. Fun fact to know and tell Hummingbird Cake is someone we know and love favorite cake.
Ireland is very concerned about a second NEW pandemic and the new global threat it can cause plus the devastating effects it is having on people all over the world.
The numbers are growing at an alarming rate, Ireland are highly concerned about the shocking growth and WHO does not want the general public to be aware of this.
It is the explosive new cases of wanking, which is growing at the rate of billions daily
Many Irish people are calling this The Great Wuhan Wank of 2020
The impact has been severe, Zoom meetings are getting interrupted, adult Internet sites have crashed, and productivity is down, all because men are up at themselves.
One doctor on the front lines gave his opinion about how this is impacting the health service.
They are seeing more and more people coming in and are feeling over whelmed by the impact; this does not just affect old people, old men but young men as well.
He was talking about the young 20 year old student who was brought in due to a wank induced coma.
He also said he was shocked and something needs to be done quickly
Patient are being brought in and told they must self isolate in WIFI free facilities.
They are not allowed any visitors, although the shame prevents them from wanting to see anyone!! Anyway!!
Clusters are appearing in many bathrooms across the world and it appears that remote-working has mutated into remote wanking.
The message now to men is “STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF
If you fear you have may have contacted The Great Wuhan Wanking Virus then please stay at home, self isolate and call a priest to confess your sin.
PLEASE NOTE: Toilet Rolls and Tissues may be scarce.
Reporter: Cormac Tellmemore
This is what happens when men — young and old — are isolated with access to porn on the Internet! ?
Yes, This may also be why ” The Other Shay claimed Villanelle as her new new spirit animal!!!!
The Great Wuhan Wank of 2020 -Further research is required.
I’ll let you do the researching. Laughing at “the Great Wuhan Wank.”
TOTALLY DIFFERENT SUBJECT!
Watching the first episode of Worst Cooks In America, celebrity edition. Sonya is on and using toaster ovens, rather than the regular ovens provided.
Bwahahaha! We have had only a toaster oven since we moved here in March 2018. The built-in oven has been broken so friends gave us a convection oven that toasts, broils, roasts, etc. The only real drawback is that it is too small to roast a turkey or make a normal-sized cheesecake. I can only make dog cookies on a small sheet so it takes way longer. It puts out a lot less heat, making it OK to use the summer. But this winter — we WILL have a real oven.
I have always wanted a toaster oven, sadly because it is the best way to cook Pizza Rolls. I learned that at my grandparents house. I recently bought some Pizza Rolls and cooked them in a regular oven, and it was not the same. My grandparents had a regular oven, but my Pappaw instructed me that some frozen foods were best cooked in a toaster oven.
My mom got me a toaster oven & I was kinda pissed off because I didn’t think I’d ever use it. Well, she was right, I use it at least 3-4 times a day. Gotta try some pizza rolls ?
I tried to binge eat the lentil bean pasta from my Costco hoard but it made me sick. Even with real butter. I threw the whole pot out. I had just rejoined the Y in Feb, specifically for the pool and sauna.
Yeah.
I am totally still bombard NOT my mayjor with emails. New plan Online or on phone reservations. exercise room or gym. And the only REAL lifeguard there gets to work. THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME. I really don’t think I am going to make it if I can’t get back on tracjk.
The thing is he is new. I need to find the previous mayor’s email. We were drinking buddies.
Now I want to sit in the communal hot tub (HOA) and let my boobs float. Wonders if i should look at swimwear so I don’t get arrested for old lady nudity.
Re toaster ovens, the gas oven is less expensive than an electric oven.
Just making a comment to document that it’s August 2, 2020 and I’m still in my pajamas. Yet somehow still alive. Seeing this post on the tab made me sad. Stay safe and well everyone.
RIP Wilford Brimley