I just woke up for the day. Whatever day this is. I think I went to bed for the night at around 9 am this morning. That’s a new record for me. I would still be sleep but Banjo is very insistent that give him his dinner. So I’m going to be doing this RHOBH recap in slow motion. I kind of enacted a new rule that anytime I can sleep without nightmares to give my body a break from the constant stress. Perhaps I should rethink this plan. I have taken out the trash and disinfected some door knob, so I feel accomplished for the day already. Although still no shower. Banjo has been hanging out in “the tornado shelter”. It’s probably my smell. Or all the dog hair I haven’t cleaned up from around his crate. Spring shedding is the worst.
Oh no! I don’t want to see Rinna make Kyle cry! They are my two favorites! Can’t Rinna make Sutton cry instead? Oh and it’s the stupid retreat. Speaking of anxiety, Kyle is struggling with it too because she has so much going on. En route to the retreat, Sutton seems to have remembered her southern manners. Let’s see how long that lasts. Wait, I like the sound of this retreat. There is food, napping, meditation, massages, yoga on the beach, yummy meals and Teddi to yell at me not to drink my calories. I NEED ALL OF THIS THINGS. Sign me up for Surf & Sand Resort please.
Sutton Finds Her Manners
Kyle, Erika and Sutton ride up together first and Sutton is nervous and starting to cry. Well, ain’t that some shit. She’s been a pretentious mean girl to everyone. She doesn’t get to be the crybaby now. Kyle and Erika have her back. I don’t have her back. That is until the crazy boxing with random strangers thing starts. Then I feel for her. I would have to fake illness to get out of that. Dorit managed to miss it and everyone is pissed. For once I don’t blame Dorit. Why must they talk about Garcelle not coming during my massage time? I don’t need this rehashing.
Drinks at two pm with chips and guacamole? Yes please. Sutton apologizes to Teddi for upsetting her. So YAY! Everyone is fine. Except, nope! Dorit is mad because Teddi knows that Dorit says she was just coming to support Teddi but basically she didn’t want to be there. In other words, production made her come. So now Dorit is pissy with Teddi. I am trying to find out what Dorit’s ridiculous talking head reminds me of. I feel like it is Batman related. I pause to Google. Apparently that is not it. But it is cartoonish. And her stupid accent comes more than it goes this episode. She’s annoying.
Kyle And Erika Lose Their Manners
Teddi has personalized meditation mats for everyone and they decide to stay in a hotel room and bitch about her instead. Teddi is hurt and just rolls them up. YAY! Kyle is over Dorit. Erika says,”Why don’t we just admit that nobody wants to be here?” Good God. No one needs meditation more than these three. I wish they would not show this scene at all and just let me get in some meditation with Teddi by the ocean. Who complains about a spa day? THAT THEY ARE BEING PAID TO ATTEND. All three of them need to just shut the fuck up now.
fight dinner time! Denise finally arrives. She probably had court with Charlie or something. She asks if everyone had a good time. In other words, cue the arguing! Kyle is pissed with Dorit for being hours late so she could get her hair and make done and have someone help her with her tacky wardrobe. Then she refused to go to mediation and participate in anything other than arguing and eating.
Rinna Makes Things Worse
I was going to skip all the anxiety stuff about Amelia because I really don’t think they need to film all of that. But she is back from NYC after having too much anxiety being that far from home. She wants to transfer her credits to USC. Rinna says she is not going to put her on a rowing machine to get her in. Then I laughed and had to shared. Amelia on the other hand is not amused by the joke. She worries it may hurt her chances of getting in the University of Spoiled Children. And Rinna, if you kid has anxiety and you see paparazzi, maybe don’t show out and try to encourage them? I’m just saying. Not helpful.
I used to love the scenes with Denise and Aaron but on the last episode, we found out that Aaron gives Charles Sheen a run for his money on who is the most batshit. It’s just not the same anymore. The fires are approaching their new rental house in Malibu. Denise wants to move but she doesn’t want to move her kids. Denise is planning a pizza and ice cream party. She’s so down to earth. Even though it is catered with a party planner.
We get a scene of Garcelle co-parenting with her two boys. They get along, but Garcelle is the strict one. He boys are adorable. They are eleven and already asking for Gucci. Garcelle says that is obnoxious. They each get their own pizzas.
Denise Steps Up Her Game
Denise, the down to earth one, has an out door pizza oven brought in, a sundae bar and of course an ice sculpture of a giant diamond. As one does. Kyle and Dorit are the main event. Dorit is jealous of Kyle’s relationship with Teddi. Dorit is the worst mother of the world. She acts likes she is June Cleaver who never leaves her kids at home. Gurl, please.
I am regretting not popping my last bottle of champagne for this recap. Too late now. I did manage to pick up some Coors Light the other day. So I guess that is the drink of choice tonight. Kyle lets us know that the reason she was so pissed at Dorit was because she did a full on photo shoot for Instagram for hours when she was supposed to be at the retreat. Sounds about right to me. Denise was late to her own party as usual.
With children at a table just a few feet away, the drunken adults start sharing their dips in the lady pond. I don’t know people who do this. And I don’t mean take a dip in the lady pond. I think most women these days have done that once, or you know maybe a dozen times. 🙂 But I have never in my life been at a dinner party where that was the topic of conversation. And yet, it seems to be all these bitches talk about. It’s like the customary prefight conversation. Yet this time, the kids are hanging on every word.
There seems to be a production point this time. Dorit wants to accuse Kyle and Teddi of being more than friends. She is such a jealous little bitch. They both have super hot husbands and kids. Dorit has the Pillsbury doughboy and doesn’t seem to even raise the kids she has. Who by the way seem to show some signs of lack of mothering. I’ll just leave it at that. Then Kyle, for no reason at all talks about how Denise has never worn anything but a ragamuffin pony tail in her whole life. Oh, Kyle. Girlfriend. Are you really leading the charge on the Denise takedown this season? I’m so disappointed. SOFA KING disappointed. What is going on with Kyle? Come on, man. This was my favorite franchise.