It’s 2:40 am and I have to be awake in the daytime tomorrow (today!) to handles some business. But I at least have to take a peek at this three hour episode and at least start my 90 Day Fiancé recap.
OMG! Are we really going to start with David? I figured we would have to wait the entire three hours for this moment! Let me get prepared for this! I’m so excited! Meh they are probably just going to say they have never heard of her and no one by that name lives here. Yep. That is exactly what happened. It’s an old man who says he has lived there since 1995 and no one who looks like the Lana in the photo lives around there. Did David ever thing about doing a reverse photo search on the photo before he flew his dumbass all the way over there for the millionth time? Poor David.
Big Ed & Rose
Rose’s sister is jealous as hell that Rose for a meal ticket out of Thailand. Ed takes Rose to the Sheraton in Palawan. It’s a very fancy place where lots of tourists go. She loved her first plane ride and her beautiful hotel room. Ed likes the running water and the air conditioner. He gives Rose a bikini and a teddy. She has no idea what a teddy is. Then he gives her a toothbrush, toothpaste and mouth wash and tells her that her breath stinks. Rose was insulted. Her bad breath is from an ulcer not from poor oral hygiene. She wants to punch Ed in the face. Rose’s English is really quite good. She calls him ugly in her language.
Once again, Ed has to win Rose back. He takes her on a boat ride to an island with a lot of monkeys. I would not like this. Monkeys are one of the reasons I waiver about living in Costa Rica. They are cute on TV but monkeys are mean! It doesn’t take Ed too long to figure this out. The monkeys don’t scare Rose. She thinks Ed is funny for being scared. Later the go to a very romantic dinner set up by the Sheraton. Rose tells production she is hoping he will propose. But Ed always manages to fuck things up.
So he brings up that her sister asked him for money and he wants to know if she knew about it. She sure seems nervous/guilty about this question. But she says she knew nothing about it. Ed believes her and they decide to confront the sister together. YAY everything is good. Until Rose brings up wanting two babies. Ed. You are going to have to make some compromises for the woman you supposedly love.
The next day Ed calls his friend Rich to get advice about the kid situation. Rich tells him he has to tell her that he doesn’t want any more kids. Ed knows that is the right thing to do, but he doesn’t want to lose her.
Ash & Avery
These two have been fighting for days. Avery is going to attend one of his seminars. I think that will make things worse. Also Ash’s ex-wife, Sian, has agreed to meet Avery. Ash’s “Ramona eyes” freak me out. Among other things. Ash’s seminar is to help women identify the perfect man for them. I hope step one is “don’t pick a fraud like me.” He flirts with all the women in the room first. Ash’s seminar is utter crap and extremely sexist. Ash is a moron and even he doesn’t know what he is talking about. He can’t even get through the “seminar.” He literally has to step outside to collect himself. Avery goes after him.
The “participants” are laughing at him inside. Production had to pay these people to do this. Avery sends him back in and tells him to talk about love languages. He makes that sexist too. This is going to be the end of this relationship. Wait. Wait! After the seminar they went to the beach to debrief. I all I really care about is Avery’s grey sweater at this point. I need this in my life. Anyway, did he just tell Avery that SHE was being patronizing? That must be all her masculine energy right? Avery is finally figuring out that Ash is dumber than a box of rocks. His bizarre “understanding” women is hysterical. And he will not back off this balderdash. He knows he is busted and looks like a fool so he storms off. Avery stupidly chases after him. That’s the reaction he wanted.
Tom & Darcey
Tom has decided to rent a car and driver to go to Connecticut and tell Darcey that he is still in love with her. He has written her a letter. I agree with Tom when he says this is not what he thought Connecticut would look like. I wasn’t expecting little rural towns that could be anywhere, because I just assumed everyone there was fancy. Tom comes face to face with Darcey and gives her a sweet apology. I love Tom. Darcey won’t even take the letter. I hate Darcey. That was just terrible. Darcey is not worthy of Tom. Darcey’s clone rips up the letter and puts it in the trash.
Erika & Stephanie
Stephanie is a snotty rich girl who expects everything to go her way all the time. The day after their big fight at Erika’s friend’s house, they meet at the Botanical Gardens to talk. Where did Erika get new clothes to wear. Stephanie wore heels and complains about her feet hurting and is concerned about snakes. Erika says she is tired of having the same conversations with her over and over. She was embarrassed in front of her friends. Erika needs to dump the girl. Erika says that everything Stephanie had an issue with are things she knew about before she got here. The things Erika has issues with, like the lack of physical intimacy are things she had not been told before Stephanie arrived.
Sadly, Erika forgives her. She’s not going to change, Erika. Erika takes Stephanie to this cool place where there is an Aboriginal guy who makes boomerangs. Now this I would love. As it turns out, it was their best date ever. A day or so later, Erika takes Stephanie on a boat ride. Stephanie is afraid of boats. Stephanie ruins everything. Oh wow. She’s taking her cage diving with sharks. No mam. But Stephanie did it. They actually had a nice date!
Geoffrey & Varya
It’s time for these two to leave Siberia. Varya is not sure she wants to move forward with the criminal. There is so much more he is not telling you, Varya! You in danger, girl! She’s not hearing me so she is going to go camping in the woods with one of Geoffrey’s friends, Igor. He met him in Mexico (probably with one of his many former wives). So she is going out to the middle of nowhere to camp with yet another man she doesn’t know. Igor hypes Geoffrey up to Varya. I can’t believe she is out in the woods alone with two men she barely knows. What happened to not staying in the hotel room with him the first night in case he is a serial killer?
Usman & Lisa
Why can’t Lisa at least learn a basic greeting in Arabic for Usman’s mother? How hard is it to learn at least hello, goodbye and thank you? Usman’s mom is worried that Lisa will make her a slave in the US. Usman pleads his case from a financial standpoint to his mother. He agrees to return to see her every year. Usman’s mom is worried about the racism in the US. But she eventually gives her blessing. Usman is still worried about Lisa’s bossy attitude and her jealous issues. As he should be.
Usman is off to get a wedding ring for Lisa. He’s shopping with his brother. Nigerians don’t exchange rings as part of their ceremony. So he struggles to find a simple band that she wants. Usman already knows she will complain about whatever he picks out. Three days before the wedding, Lisa is already telling him that he must propose in person. But she says it in a very domineering way. Usman says before he proposes they have some things they need to work out. Namely, she has got to stop being such a huge cunt to him. I paraphrase. He expects to wear the pants in the relationship but Lisa refuses to let him be the man. She says she is not a dog to be ordered around. Usman points out what I am screaming at the TV. That is how you treat him! She storms off.
It’s six am. I still have have to do all the crap work for this post tomorrow. But, I just couldn’t wait to watch this THREE HOUR EPISODE. I thought it was the finale based on how things were wrapping up. But even the David story has more storyline! I need it to be next Sunday. Hopefully I will get this up sometime today. I kind of hope that the person helping me out tomorrow bails. She’ll probably call me tomorrow. I’m watching Pillow Talk now. This show is like crack!
Everyone on Pillow Talk hates Tom! 🙁 I feel like they were on another of the 999 90 Day franchises. But I only know him from this one and I love him! They are all screaming for her not to take the letter. I was all, just take the letter! He loves you! I should point out that I suck at relationships. All kinds of relationships.