Tamara Tattles

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You are here: Home / Entertainment News / Pump Rules Recap: Mr & Mrs Schwartz Take Two

Pump Rules Recap: Mr & Mrs Schwartz Take Two

April 15, 2020 by tamaratattles 42 Comments

Vanderpump Rules Reunion RecapI am not sure how much more I can take. I’m losing it. I am screaming at Nanette on the phone when she is the person trying to help me fix all this mess. I’m randomly throwing up and crying and being a bitch to all the people trying to help. Now my computer is acting like it is going to die again. I am the worst version of myself. I don’t know what day it is. I can’t eat. I am drinking to much. I smell awful. It feels like everything I have has been taken from me. I don’t have any of my bookmarks and it has taken 24 hours and a youtube tutorial to find out how to get to my admin log in page. Yet, random commenters seem to try to log in there all the time. Fuck. Now my laptop is doing weird shit. I can’t take not having a laptop. It’s all I have in the world. I am going to try to pretend like this is not happening and do a quick Pump Rules recap. I am not sure if it is going to work.

I feel like I missed the last episode. Last night I had no TV, no Internet and no phone. It was terrifying. Anyway, the aperol spritz is the new drink that all the Bravo shows are promoting. I don’t even know what that is and alcohol is my current diet. I am expecting a delivery of a shit ton of wine today. I feel like Scheana. Overwhelmed and doing everything on my own. I am pretty sure I missed the previous episode. I don’t remember any of this stuff.

This recap is going to suck. Sorry. I am highly agitated and Lisa Vanderpump is not helping. The hotel keys have her photo on them. I just can’t. She literally thinks she is the queen of England. All the old farts are in Vegas so that Katie and Schwartz can have yet another wedding. Why? I don’t believe the whole “we forgot to make it official” storyline. Also, Schwartz has yet another chance to dump Katie. Why not just do that now? They are clearly miserable together.

Meanwhile, Beau calls Stassi’s dad to get permission to propose. Her dad was like, “good luck with that.” MY COMPUTER IS CRASHING AGAIN!

 

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Filed Under: Entertainment News, Vanderpump Rules

About tamaratattles

Come for the tea. Stay for the shade. Not for the easily offended. You're a special snowflake just like everyone else.

Comments

  1. atdnext says

    April 15, 2020 at 4:34 pm

    Fuck, I’m so sorry. And FYI, I also had a nervous breakdown last night. It got bad, really bad, but I’m home now. “The Rona” is ruining our lives, even for those of us who (probably?) don’t actually have it.

    Reply
    • tamaratattles says

      April 15, 2020 at 4:52 pm

      I updated all my windows stuff. Maybe that will help. For some reason I was unable to update before. I feel like this is a windows problem.

      Reply
    • Rabicate says

      April 15, 2020 at 6:23 pm

      Me three with the nervous breakdown. My agoraphobia is full on enflamed. “Go outside and you will die, alone and nobody will care” gets repeated in my head with every masked grocery shopper and ghost town highway I encounter.

      I stopped taking the meds necessary to keep it under control a while ago, based on the havoc they were playing with my diabetes and anemia. Last night the crazy, scary outside world got inside when a neighbor informed me about a fellow CA neighbor who was turned back by police because they had traveled too far, out of their safe zones.

      I get it. I agree with the rationale. It just took me over the edge with my fears that no one knows when it will be safe out there. I took a partial dose of my anti anxiety med and woke up 18 hours later. I have to work on my negative thoughts. I have to take my mental health as seriously as I do my food allergies.

      Best to you TT. I just hope yesterday was one of my low points. Not exactly sure how but I have to find some positive moments in my life to offset my emotional yo-yoing.

      Reply
      • tamaratattles says

        April 15, 2020 at 6:54 pm

        So sorry you are so low. I want to go back to bed but wine was supposed to come today. It hasn’t. I got a call from FedEx during one of my meltdowns and I didn’t know how to take the call because I was on the phone with Nanette. I hope that doesn’t mean they are not coming.

        Reply
        • Rabicate says

          April 15, 2020 at 7:04 pm

          You handle/juggle so many projects with tight deadlines and impossible interruptions. I want some of your determination, and hope the wine arrives in time to keep you bolstered!

          Reply
          • tamaratattles says

            April 15, 2020 at 7:20 pm

            THE WINE CAME! I was clearly drunk when I ordered it. I was in my WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE Meltdown. So might as well spend way too much money on wine! But now that it is here, I thought I ordered lots of merlot . But I ordered merlot, champagne and weird shit. I bought a bottle of Zinfandel I don’t think I have ever had Zindandel and I have no idea how to even spell it. I bought some rose(accent acute) AND THREE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNGE and some very expensive merlot and some very very cheap merlot and God only knows what else. Currently I am drinking beer and getting ready to go back to bed and cry.

            Reply
            • tamaratattles says

              April 15, 2020 at 7:23 pm

              There is also a bottle of Shiraz. WTF? Any wine port in a storm I guess.

            • tamaratattles says

              April 15, 2020 at 7:25 pm

              THREE BOTTLES OF Veuve! THREE! Who does this?

            • LA_in_KY says

              April 15, 2020 at 7:27 pm

              I am glad you got your wine. It is an essential purchase.

            • Laila says

              April 15, 2020 at 7:33 pm

              Who does this? You! This is why we love you among other reasons.

            • Ktina says

              April 16, 2020 at 7:45 am

              You were clearly drunk ordering. Never a good idea. Shiraz?

            • Lee Lawrence says

              April 16, 2020 at 2:19 pm

              Honestly, all good choices……. I love wine but at some point it started giving me migraines so now I only drink ultra cheap white mixed with diet sprite. In the old days before my body betrayed me I tried all of those and they all have something good about them.

        • atdnext says

          April 15, 2020 at 8:51 pm

          This is too strange. Earlier today, I finally got confirmation on my FedEx shipment full of wine bottles. I just hope they arrive Friday. I still have some wine (and whiskey) in the fridge, but it never hurts to have more (not just for me, but also possibly to give to friends).

          Reply
          • tamaratattles says

            April 15, 2020 at 8:53 pm

            I AM YOUR FRIEND, right? 🙂

            Reply
    • Nanette says

      April 15, 2020 at 7:59 pm

      I have been thinking about you. Hoping you were just busy with all of the stupid contradictory political statements lately. The KING OF THE WORLD doesn’t even know the Constitution. Governors. Newsom and Cuomo are killing it. Stay safe.

      Reply
  2. Emily Wirta says

    April 15, 2020 at 4:45 pm

    I’m sorry, Tamara. 🙁

    It was a Lisa-Bullshit-Heavy episode, wasn’t it? So… it’s a good one to avoid recapping. Maybe save you throwing your computer through a window, which I have been tempted to do in the past. Curse of laptops, I guess.

    I hope everything gets sorted. If I had any tech pull, I’d send it. Proof pull with the tech community is the “who to know” thing of the future, maybe – insert jokes about making friends through linked in here. Gah 🙁

    Reply
    • tamaratattles says

      April 15, 2020 at 4:59 pm

      Computer still crashing.

      Reply
  3. marc says

    April 15, 2020 at 4:52 pm

    It’s going to be o.k eventually I know it must be frustrating with all this stuff happening at once. Remember it could be worse we could be in quarantine with Katie & that truly would send me over the edge. Hang in there twin xo Marc p.s. thank you Nanette for helping with all of T.T’s computer issues! Hope you are well & safe
    Take care !

    Reply
    • Nanette says

      April 15, 2020 at 7:56 pm

      I love it when you check in Marc. Glad you are OK.

      Reply
  4. Terri says

    April 15, 2020 at 4:58 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. It sucks being alone and having to deal with things on your own. I’m lost without my laptop, internet and TV on the rare occasions when that happens so that, on top of all the other stress you’re going through is horrible. I don’t know you personally, but I’d be happy to message you my phone number if you ever need someone to talk to. The whole Vegas wedding because we lost our real license story line is pathetic, topped only by Schwartz losing the 2nd certificate. You’re right, he had a chance to escape and he didn’t take it. The waitress who was a Scheana clone & Max hooking up with her was about as contrived as things can get on this show. I loved how nervous Beau was when he called Stassi’s dad. It was the cutest part of the show. Take care, Tamara and thanks for putting this recap together. Hopefully things will start looking up for you sooner rather than later.

    Reply
  5. tamaratattles says

    April 15, 2020 at 5:18 pm

    I just wanted to email Nanette and apologize for being a cunt AND THEN I REMEMBERED I DON’T FUCKING HAVE EMAIL. I hate all of this, and I hate me for being so awful.

    Reply
    • Sharon says

      April 15, 2020 at 5:40 pm

      Awh no don’t feel like that honestly we are all struggling everyone gets it xx

      Reply
    • Nanette says

      April 16, 2020 at 1:18 am

      You don’t need to apologize for having a meltdown. I get it. ♥️

      Reply
  6. memyselfandi says

    April 15, 2020 at 5:56 pm

    I am generally able to suppress my cynicism about how scripted things are when watching “reality” shows to let things pass without getting too worked up about it, but this epi of Pump Rules felt like one of the most ridiculously scripted hours of reality television I have ever seen.

    What a yawning chasm of need Lisa’s ego must have that she sees fit to use her role as executive producer on this show to have not just one, but two of her male employees young enough to be her son talking about how much they want to bone her on top of having one of her female employees talking about how great she thinks Lisa’s vagina is? WTF to all of that.

    Katie and Stassi are dead.to.me for being so pointlessly hostile to Kristen. Katie invited Scheana to her Vegas wedding but could not invite Kristen? F her.

    The only people on this show I think are real at this point are Kristen and Scheana when they are crying about feeling scared and single and friendless.

    Reply
    • tamaratattles says

      April 15, 2020 at 6:24 pm

      It was utterly ridiculous.

      Reply
      • TAM says

        April 15, 2020 at 6:29 pm

        So true! And Beau asking Lisa’s permission to marry Stassi? Laughable! Lisa is dying for screen time since she is no longer on RHOBH. Very sad. I think they should get rid of the original cast and go with the younger ones. At least they are at the age to hook up and be all dramatic. The older ones no longer fit- at all!

        Reply
    • Deborah says

      April 15, 2020 at 6:33 pm

      I couldn’t agree more. I can’t deal with the fake storylines and the fact that because the cast are social media whores we have already seen everything play out in real time. The show is in the unfortunate position of being particularly tone deaf during a time when our tolerance for ignorance and cruelty is at an all-time low. There is plenty of real drama to show between these people, but they refuse to show that. Instead we have to watch the fake storyline about Beau’s family having 3 previously unknown enormous Tiffany diamond rings at his disposal for Stassi’s engagement ring. Even as someone who was the recipient of a “family stone”, that strains all credulity for me. Stassi 100% bought herself that ring.

      Reply
  7. TAM says

    April 15, 2020 at 6:32 pm

    I am a Kristen supporter now. Her “BFFs” are awful in the way they are hurting her!

    Reply
    • BeetsWhy says

      April 16, 2020 at 2:19 am

      Katie is ugly inside and out, I loathe her for what she did to Kristen. Stassi is equally awful and such a hypocrite, Beau should be paying attention to how she treats a “best friend” and business partner.

      The new people are boring as fuck so I say cancel the whole thing.

      Reply
  8. OCNJgal says

    April 15, 2020 at 7:22 pm

    I can’t find anything worthy to watching these shows. Working in healthcare where we have Covid positive patients and wondering if this is going to be the last day I am healthy before I head into work is getting to me. I am watching Speed and Top Gun thinking how young I was… bleck.

    Reply
    • Nanette says

      April 15, 2020 at 8:03 pm

      Speaking for the people I know, we appreciate everything you heroes in the health field are doing. There was some positive stuff today about relaxing restrictions. I think it’s good that it is looking better, but way too soon to stop taking preventive measures.

      Reply
  9. JoJoFLL says

    April 15, 2020 at 7:24 pm

    Girl, I am so sorry. Hang in there, we are there for you!

    Had three meltdowns today on the hubs who is truly one of the nicest people on the planet.

    Still drinking tequila.

    Day 647 of the tequla binge.

    Reply
  10. BnCtrKiki says

    April 15, 2020 at 7:33 pm

    Hi! I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I seem to be having a regularly scheduled ugly cry/freak out these days. I have found intentionally mindful deep breathing a great help. All you do is breathe, and pay attention to your breathing while you do. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Also, my doctors/surgeons sent me home from the hospital with medicine to help with anxiety. Ask for help, let your doctor help you. It is OK to not be OK. Life is crazy right now. You’d have to be totally nuts not to lose your shit with what is going on in the world never mind actual real life being so different now. I think most of us are having trouble with the aloneness/loneliness has in some way. Just breathe. Trust in humanity. Most of us are doing what we can to help each other and keep each other safe. Scientists are working hard all over the world to figure out how to protect us. Those of us who care and who are thrilled to let our better angels prevail and send good out into the world far out way those who choose to be assholes/jerks/scumbags. Actively think of all the good things happening every day. Trust In Humanity, we really are extraordinarily prone to rise to the occasion when an occasion arises. If you look it is easy to see all this good happening. And Breathe, Just Breathe.

    Reply
  11. Nanette says

    April 15, 2020 at 8:19 pm

    Notice there are few comments on Pump Rules. We all keep telling Tamara this site has become as much about community as — maybe more than — recaps. This shows that.

    This episode was SO LAME. The whole Vegas trip was contrived to show off the Vanderpump Suite and Cocktail Garden.

    And Schwartz LOST THE LICENSE AGAIN! Unless he is faking it as payback for Lisa’s bra in his suitcase. Really? She just wanted people to see that rich old ladies wear sexy lingerie.

    The only good parts were Beau’s phone call — especially when Stassi’s dad said “jokingly” he didn’t know if Stassi would make a very good wife. And, of course, Sandoval’s costumes. Back in the day, I used to get just as into it as Sandoval. Every costume had a coordinating cocktail too.

    Reply
    • Amyj says

      April 16, 2020 at 12:25 am

      I look forward to this website.

      Reply
  12. StringerBells says

    April 15, 2020 at 8:56 pm

    Stop self medicating and get on medication. It will help. I used to be like this too and now nothing ruffles my feathers at all. I went from being suicidal and so anxious I felt like I was in a trench in WW1 24/7 to being content and just in love with life and myself. Weed helps too but with medications it’s not wise to mix and as a professional in an industry that frowns upon failing drug tests I just don’t. But I have a friend with this level of anxiety and she smokes and it gives her and those around her peace.

    Reply
    • Nanette says

      April 16, 2020 at 1:20 am

      OMFG! Stringer Bell. I LOVE Stringer Bell! You just reminded me that I need to watch him all over again.

      Reply
      • Nanette says

        April 16, 2020 at 1:23 am

        Oops. Stringer Bells. Love Stringer Bell and Stringer Bells.

        I need to slow down commenting. Too much coffee, too little sleep.

        Reply
  13. Gigi says

    April 15, 2020 at 10:44 pm

    TT, I effing LOVE you!! You say what we all think! I’m sorry about all the pc issues. I thought about you last night and today…. meanwhile everyone, this WILL be over soon. I am putting it put into the universe over and over all day. My mantra while going up and down stairs. It will be over soon. Cleaning? Mantra. Everything I do I repeat the mantra. This country was not built on the backs on wimpy people! We will get past this!!!

    Reply
  14. Gabriella says

    April 16, 2020 at 6:26 am

    I know we’re not meant to be rude here and I don’t want to be but just being honest. Don’t like the new bunch at all. All the new girls are unattractive, not counting Raquel who I think is lovely, such a sweet personality. I would rather see an end to Vanderpump Rules with this new bunch and have a spin-off eventually with all the old bunch with their new lives including Scheanna, James and Raquel and Kristen.

    Reply
  15. 4paz says

    April 16, 2020 at 1:54 pm

    James looked really great this episode. Sobriety is adorable and funny on that man.

    Katie eating that pizza with ranch dressing was so unattractive.

    Lisa’s scenes were utterly contrived. She belongs on RHOBH.

    Hope you computer woes are solved, TT. Enjoy the Veuve.

    Reply
    • snewbrighton says

      April 18, 2020 at 3:47 pm

      Agreed about Katie shoving that into her pie-hole.Very gross. But I hate Ranch dressing, so especially can’t relate. I’m really over Lisa’s brand of “luxury”. So dated. Lisa’s piling on the pounds too. Don’t get me wrong- it’s a struggle for me at 55.

      Reply

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