The title of this episode alone tells me I am probably going to hate it. If you are over age 13, prank wars should not be a thing. Also, I am freaking out because I think I waited too long to go to the grocery story. As in are they all going to close? I AM ON MY LAST BOTTLE OF WINE. James Kennedy is on the TV trying to tell us that when bad things happen, drinking doesn’t help. Okay, he’s probably right, but still. LVP has trained her horse to “talk.” This means that when she screams at him in French, he whinneys. She’s also fond of horse cock apparently.
Brett? Brent? That guy that Scheana keeps throwing herself at? It appears I don’t have a tag for him so let’s go with Brett following the whole “first guess, best guess” principle. Anyway, he is apparently going to promote his You Tube Channel this week with Scheana. When they talk about it he tells Scheana for the millionth time that they are just friends. And, as usual, Scheana says,”You never know where life will take us…”
It’s Thursday And That Means Beer Funneling And TPing Houses
It’s Jax’s birthday and he and Brittany have put on adult clothes and are going out to lunch. That’s very civilized for Jax. Meanwhile, The Toms and maybe Max are funneling beers in Sandoval’s empty house. Because? It’s Thursday? I dunno. Sandoval wants to TP Jax’s house while he is at his birthday lunch. This is a terrible idea, say Schwartz! Let’s funnel more beer until it seems like a good idea! Says Sandoval.
Sandoval convinces Max to do it and they just happen to have several giant packs of toilet paper available. Speaking of toilet paper, they aren’t going to shut down the grocery stores are they? Jax was not nearly pissed off enough about this. He’s a terrible actor. Schwartz is having a panic attack at Sandoval’s pool at the mere thought. Sandoval put some TP out on his bushes to use as his alibi.
The Middle-Aged Fuckgirl
Brett (that is his name!) shows up at Scheana’s apartment to interview her for his little Youtube thing. Scheana says she is unprepared because she didn’t come home last night. She had great sex four times with some new guy. Brett introduces her to his followers as a 34 year old middle-aged woman who has been around the block. She’s been divorced. And she is freezing her eggs.
Scheana says she is never going to get married again unless it is someone who “like literally blows my mind.” Well, so far this season there have been at least a dozen guys who meet that criteria. Just none of them are interested. Scheana says she dates fuckboys because they are fun. Brett says she attracts the energy she puts out and implies she is a fuckgirl. She gets pissy with Brett after they stop filming. I think I like Brett.
Katie Has A No Kristen Wine Party
Katie has said she is having a girl’s night in wine party and invites all the new girls. She makes it clear to everyone that she is excluding Kristen. Again, none of these people act like adults. You can have a wine party and you can invite whoever you want. But spending all your coveted screen time discussing the one person you are not inviting, who is a partner with you in a wine company, is just shitty, infantile behavior.
Scheana of course calls Kristen to tell her that all the girls going to Katie’s for wine except for her. Everyone brings a bottle or two of wine except for Brittany who brings a gallon of vodka, and Scheana who brings string cheese. Scheana starts whining right away though so maybe she didn’t understand the concept. Brittany wants to know who TPed her house.
It’s time for Lala’s “I am angry I can’t drink on camera. So I am going to be a cunt scene.” Something is very wrong with this girl. Also, this is not a dress up party. Scheana’s still in the pajamas from her all night hook up the night before. Raquel is perfectly dressed in jeans and a cute top.
Meanwhile, At Tom Tom …
The guys have put together a little guy’s night for Jax’s birthday. Sandoval gives Jax a bag from him and Max. It has toilet paper in it. So it is game on. The next night Jax has an 80s themed birthday party for himself. Sandoval gives him a samurai sword signed by Randy Jackson. I don’t get it either but it is some thing from way back when they were room mates. Schwartz gave him a rubber foot that has a fake vagina on one end. Because, Schwartz.
Randall has decided to give Jax payback in the prank war. He is having stunt police cars swarm Sandoval house and “arrest him” for vandalism. For some crazy reason, KATIE gets extremely upset by the joke on Sandoval. Sandoval is not mad. Ariana’s still trying to figure out if her vagina is shy or not. Nobody really cares. Except for Katie. And Ariana mulls it over and deems it politically incorrect or something.
Even Schwartz Hates Katie…
But Schwartz is furious that Katie is causing a scene. He screams at her that nobody gives a shit about her opinion. Schwartz says he has never been more turned off in his life. “This is why I don’t have sex with her!” Schwartz screams. He also calls her a moron. Beau and Sandoval are both trying to shut him up but it’s not working. Schwartz storms out of the house. Katie refuses to leave with him. As she should.
Next week, LVP is back and on the job to get Beau to propose to Stassi. Dayna and Brett talk about “hanging out.” There were some hatchets being thrown. Schwartz has no clue why Katie won’t speak to him.