It’s time for another Pump Rules Recap. I’m really late and was actually ready to start just a bit ago when I was informed that Jax Taylor was having a meltdown on Twitter. Again. He said his wedding was perfect except for Sandoval and Ariana being there. He said he had not talked to or seen Tom and Ariana since the wedding. He was trashing Sandoval, basically making shit up about how awful Sandoval is to Ariana’s brother, Jeremy. You know the brother he let move in. Sigh. Sandoval called him out in return and called him a whiny little bitch. Jax said Sandoval is always mean to Schwartz. It was Jax mixing steroids and alcohol again, probably. Now on with the show.
It’s A Mystery
I feel like I missed an episode and yet, here the the recap of the last one. I remember everyone getting to Kentucky and all of that but I don’t remember ending with the rehearsal party in full swing. #dementia Anyhoo, Brittany’s rehearsal dinner will be a murder mystery party. I’ve kind of always wanted to go to one of those. But Stassi could not be more thrilled. Stassi loves murder! Unfortunately for her ego, Lala is the one who gets the killer right. Go figure. It takes one with suspicious motives to know someone with suspicious motives. Lala’s underarm tattoo looks like a tumah! I can only imagine how it will look on her bat wings when she is 70.
The three bitches go straight into trashing Carter and Kristen. Lala has no skin in this game and needs to STFU. Especially since Kristen was the only one nice to Lala when she first came on the show.
Meanwhile In LA, It’s A Tom Tom Pride Shirt Scandal
Apparently, Tom “I Want To Be Exclusive” Boyens does not in fact want to be exclusive. He was spending time the night of pride with some other unknown female. She post a photo of herself on Instagram in pretty much nothing but a Tom Tom Pride shirt that was most likely his, The other waitress that thought she was in an exclusive relationship with Max was the bearer of the bad news. She still seems very invested. Later, Dayna confronts Max about the other woman. Max is a horrible liar. Dayna dumps him. Then she dips his necklace in the kitty litter before giving it to him.
Am I In An Alternate Universe?
All he girls and the guys go out to hit the town. Meanwhile, Jax stays in his hotel room thinking about his dead daddy. Then he goes to bed early because he just would not feel right about getting wasted. REALLY? Let’s see how long this lasts. Perhaps he plans on doing on the wedding coke once the cameras leave without having to share it.
Kristen is in a bad way. For some reason she picks a fight with Beau of all people for not being there for her. Hell, if her former BFF Stassi isn’t there for her, why on earth would she expect to hear from Beau? Beau explains that he and Stassi are getting a lot closer and she is his world right now. This causes Kristen to cry. Everyone is happy except her. That seems to be her plight every season. I feel for her. Apparently, Jax likes to take his dad’s asses with him when he is out cruising in the car. Or working in his yard.
Drinks By The Pool
Stassi says that Kristen is psycho and she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Everyone apparently just so happened to wake up ready to trash Kristen. I hate all of these morons. Then, we find out that Schwartz supposedly lost his marriage certificate so he and Katie are not really married. I don’t believe that. I think they just wanted a storyline. Or production assigned them that storyline. Later at the wedding Lance Bass “accidentally gets the word out.”
Why would you want to get a pedicure in public by a pool? It’s the day before the wedding and Brittany wisely planned a hangover day of just chilling with an outdoor spa day at the pool. Everyone shit talks Kristen some more. Scheana tells Lala about Raquel’s ultimatum with James. And she also tells her that James has agreed to go to his first AA meeting. This is really tacky of Scheana to announce James’ private matters in the middle of a party. If he wanted them to know, he would have told them. It’s bad enough he wasn’t allowed to come to the wedding.
Later that night Lisa Vanderpump shows up with Ken. Everyone acts like the Queen of England has popped in for a visit. There was some sort of delay in the burial of LVP’s mom so she came to Kentucky
to get paid for the wedding episode Suddenly, Jax and LVP have been like mother and son for ten years. Shockingly, they showed no footage of this. Stassi can’t wait to report to Lisa that Katie and Schwartz never filed their wedding certificate. All of this is quickly forgotten about when someone notices that Beau is outside doing the boot scoot boogie with a bunch of locals celebrating pride. Um, interesting…
That night the girls have a onsie party That Brittany ends early to get her beauty rest. Meanwhile, Jax is trying to die of alcohol poisoning before the wedding the next day. We get a montage of all of the shitty things Jax has done to Brittany. He claims he is a changed man and Jax will die with the wedding. I’m not holding my breath. He’s certainly still showing his ass on Twitter.