I am rather excited to bring you this Family Karma recap. I don’t know anyone’s name yet so this first recap is going to be a bit of a general overview. And probably very late. But that is okay because I know only three of you are going to read this anyway. I will watch,with a few of you. We will like the show. Then the Misogyny Channel will cancel it for its lack of misogyny. It’s a masochistic thing we do, despite knowing exactly how this will all end. It’s a pattern for me in relationships. /sigh But for now, let’s enjoy this show while it lasts!
The Ramakrishna Household
I immediately fall in love with wit Chitra, Anisha Ramakrishna‘s mom. Jesus I can’t even get names like Heather and Ashley straight in my head. This is going to be murder. But, I will remember Chitra the Indian vegetarian who enjoys a good cow print dress. Because cows are sacred. She’s funny AF. Anisha is already embarrassed. I have a feeling it will get worse for Anisha and better for Chitra and me. Chitra probably would think it was funny that while I was trying to be sure I had all the family photos download, I called this family the Ramalamadingdongs. Or maybe not so much. Ramakrishna is pretty easy to remember even for someone of my limited mental capacities.
Anisha and her mom have a great, yet brief package. It’s funny. Her mother measures time according to how old Anisha’s baby will be. Anisha doesn’t have a baby. Or a boyfriend. Chitra doesn’t want her daughter to be an old maid with grey pubic hair. What if she dyed her pubic hair a festive color? Would that be less pathetic? I’m asking for a friend. Then we meet Gopal, Anisha’s half deaf Grandpa (Is he single? I’m asking for a friend) and her dad, Ram.
It is Gopal’s birthday and
I am my friend is sad to see that he is married to a lovely woman name Saroja. Gopal wanted to go to Hooters for his birthday but his evil family made him go out to a nice Indian restaurant. It is there that he offers this sage advice to Anisha, “You are 34. You should get married as soon as possible because we don’t know when menopause will set in. Then, even if you want kids, you won’t get. It will become dry,” Handsome and wise Grandpa Gopal is. And a master at pleasant dinner conversation. And flirting with the waitress.
The Benni Household
Brian Benni is obviously more Americanized. His name is Brian! I think I was going to be Brian if I were a boy. Brian lives with his parents. I am not sure why the producers brought this up, Anisha lives with her parents too. Why haven’t her parents tried to breed her with this guy? He’s cute.
He’s off to the grocery store with his mom Dharma. She needs fruit for some religious thing we will get to learn about this episode. The cameraman shows me a very tight show of a mango which reminds me that there were none at Whole Foods today. Also that I forgot to buy yogurt anyway. But if you were going today for Electrolyte water, I’m the bitch that bought every last bottle of the 365 brand 1.5 liters. Sorry. They still had some of then overpriced name brand though. Same thing, just more expensive branding.
Anyway, Brian is 27 and has a new BMW. I think he is too
immature young for Anisha. The fruit was for the priest? the car? the safety gods? Something. Brian seems to know even less than I do about this ritual. Brian was more concerned that all the fruit salad making on his new car was going to ruin his paint job. Actually, that seems like a legit concern, But, his mom and his priest are on it. It is basically a safety blessing. Something about putting the lime in the coconut and mix it all up! Or something. I don’t know the language. Sounds like a shot of tequila might be appropriate for this blessing.
The Parvani Household
Did I mention all of this is happening in Miami and they all live in really nice houses with tall date palm trees in the yard? /sigh This is the home of Vishal Parvani. His dad, Kishor is on the couch in his PJs playing with his phone when his mom Reshma shows up. Reshma is home from buying “a lot of different oils.” The story is interrupted long enough to tell Kishor his pants are on backwards. He doesn’t care. He just wants to be left alone to text his sidepiece. Or whatever he is doing on the phone. I’m just speculating.
All of these families seem fun already. There is a lot of laughter in their homes. No tables have been flipped. No wine has been drunk let alone thrown in anyone’s face. It’s a happy peaceful show. That is why you better watch it fast. Richa Sadana is also living in this house but not in the same room as Vishal. She is engaged to Vishal. Sorry Chitra, this one is off the market.
Reshma does not play. No phones during breakfast! No sharing a bed until you are married! Kishor, whose pants may or may not be on properly today (Reshma has not made a ruling) defies the no phone rule and shares photos with Vishal of few photos of a wedding in India. It seems that Vishal and Sadana have been engaged for two years with no wedding date in site. No wonder Ana is Sad. SWIDT? In an interview with the perpetually betrothed, it is mentioned that an Indian wedding isn’t a marriage of a bride and groom it is the marriage of two families. And there lies the rub. It seems that there are no happy feelings between the two families. I have a feeling this is all Reshma’s fault. Sorry Reshma. I may change my mind later. But for now I am calling it.
The Vaswani Household
Monica Vaswani is 27 and an HR software specialist. In other words, she is perfect for Brian. So far. On paper. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her dad. She cooks for him and takes care of him. He wishes she could live with him once she gets married but that would probably be wrong. Well, not if she marries Brian. I can see him being just fine with that.
It seems that Monica’s dad thinks Brian is just her “sidekick.” They met at temple in the sixth grade and have been friends ever since.
Party season looms for the new year. Is Indian new year the same as American New Year? It’s hard to tell when they live in Miami where it is perpetually, summer. Anyway these two are in denial. The producers point out to Brian that he and Monica do a lot of “coupley things.” He attempts to ponder this information. Or maybe he is wondering how his hair looks.
ARGH! When you scroll all the way to the end of the Family Karma photos on the NBCu media site, you end up at the old Mexican Dynasties photos.
The Kapai Household
Amrit Kapai is a lawyer who just relocated from Chicago to Miami
to film the show to set up a new office in Miami. Guess who he lives with? If you guessed mommy and daddy you are correct! His Mom Lavina is home all day while he telecommutes to Chicago. He has a very cute dog named Theo. Oh look, his dad Suresh is there too! They can all get in on the conference call!
Amrit has a really cute boyfriend named Nicolas. He lives in Chicago and the distance is a problem. Dude. It will be fine. You’ve got what, four months of filming. He has great parents who are accepting of their son. Understandably, it took his mother a few arguments with God, but everything is good now.
Oh no, they are going to mix the families together now! My piss poor facial recognition skills and less than stellar hearing will make this difficult. It seems we have Vishal the perpetually engaged one, and Anisha, the perpetually single one going out to dinner. I see why Anisha is single. She’s blowing her nose at the table and her conversations are disgusting. I would have thrown up three time and will probably fast forward this for the sake of my snack (sunflower seeds and feta). Please don’t recap it in comments. I can’t stand that.
Richa’s mom, and Vishal’s future mother-in-law is coming to the fancy gala. Vishal is afraid of his future mother-in-law, Lopa AKA his FML. She will be in Miami for a few days Ah. I get i now. Lopa is a pretty, single, blond and to hear her tell it all the Indian women in Miami think she is going to steal their husbands. She likes cosmopolitans. Production asks Lopa about the friction between the two families. She said many years ago someone asked her what Vishal did for a living. She said she didn’t know exactly, maybe he wants to be a movie star. Vishal’s mama heard that basically Lopa said Vishal didn’t have a job or any ambition and she’s been pissed at her ever since. That was five years ago. A quick check of IMDb shows one credit for Vishal in a video short in 2013. So, she has a point. I am team Lopa. Reshma didn’t talk to her at the last wedding. I told you this was all Reshma’s fault. Vishal feels like Lopa thinks he is not good enough for her daughter. He’s not wrong.
The Diwala Gala (AKA The Hindu Met Gala)
And now for the all cast. AKA the requisite drama and squabbling. Okay, Lopa is starting to get on my nerves. It is one thing to be aggressive. It is quite another to emasculate your future son-in-law anywhere let alone a large public gathering. Apparently, that is what he has Richa for anyway. Vishal is trying to kill her with kindness, but she is apparently too mean to die.
Okay, so Lopa really IS trying to steal everyone’s husband. Instead of sitting at her daughter’s table with her future son in law, she joins Brian’s father who is all alone at another table. Wine might be thrown when Dharma sees this. David’s dad Toolsie turns the conversation toward their children and how they want them to marry Indian spouses. Lopa says that Anisha found one, but as it turns out, he’s a moron. Toolsie says that she thinks she is being funny but she is not and that he knows she doesn’t really mean that. Ah, but she does. Then. she calls him a leech who is after her money. Oh how I love first seasons with newbies. This woman has no idea that her microphone is picking all of this up. Who is the moron now, Lopa?
Next week: Toolsie escapes to the bar and vents about how awful Lopa is. And now Lopa is drunk. And hor…flirtatious. Oh, Reshma is going to come for her next week. This should be epic. Reshma doesn’t want to do any more interviews about Lopa.
Okay I liked it. I knew I would. Who is in it with me. Remember, this is like a foster child. We can’t get too attached as it will be ripped out of our arms soon. OVER.