On Tonight’s Pump Rules recap, Jax makes both Toms cry. Scheana interferes with Brett’s love life. Ariana opens up about her anxiety and depression. And Lisa Vanderpump gets some tragic news. Well, that seems like an uplifting hour of television. At any rate, I am doing my civic duty by watching the democratic debates right now and have the rest taping in the other room. So this is a welcome break from that. But I urge you all to watch the debates. If at no other time than when we have only two candidates.
My favorite thing about Pump Rules is the theme song. Schwartz and Katie got a lizard. Schwartz named him dog and dog is not eating. I predict dog will be dead by the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Stassi trashes Sandoval to Schwartz.
Over at the Cauchi household, Jax, Brittany and Brittany’s mama are fake planning the seating to Jax can announce that he is kicking Sandoval of the wedding party. So why doesn’t Brittany mention she now has an unescorted bridesmaid? Because this is all bullshit and Sandoval will be in the wedding. Probably. I don’t really remember. Oh eventually Jax mentions it. Brittany is being such a whiner about a situation that she created herself by waiting so long to replace the backwoods pastor.
At the Sandoval-Madix household, Ariana is furious that Brittany thought having Jax beat up Sandoval was the best way to end an uncomfortable conversation. This sort of thing exacerbates Ariana’s anxiety.
Welcome To the Show, Rand!
On the Bravo site, they said this is Randall’s first time on the show. I can’t stand Lala’s affected accent. Or her pomposity. Randall is very fond of Jax because they are close in age. I guess this explains how Jax and Brittany get to go on all the trips on the jet to exotic locales with these two. Is Randall emotionally the same age as Jax? Probably. I am not sure that Lala really even likes Britanny. They don’t have anything in common. But, Britanny has managed to get and A storyline this season so Lala and all the Witches of WeHo are scrambling to suck up to her for air time.
Oh! Oh, Scheana!
LVP’s hot male yoga instructor arrives only to find out that LVP is not in the mood for yoga today. She could have of course called to cancel, but who would she film with? Hot yoga dude says in his talking heads that they often do not actually do yoga. But he does whatever she wants. I bet he does. Oh! Hot yoga guy is Brett! Sorry, I have no facial recognition skills. They talk about how Scheana Brett says that Scheana makes him coddle her he is not interested. LVP says he needs to tell her that. He has but…they both say it at once, “Scheana only hears what she wants to hear.”
Last week, Max told Dayna he wanted to be exclusive. This week, when talking to Katie and Schwartz it seems he is not really sure what exclusive means. Dude, it was your idea! Later, Dayna tells us that Max going “exclusive” seems to have made her less of a priority. Brett asks out Charli. When Scheana invites Brett over “to try her enchiladas” he points out he has a lunch date with Charli. Scheana immediately tells him Charli isn’t his type and they should just be friends. Scheana needs to put her own name in that sentence. Also, if the old farts don’t want to film with her, she needs to be off the show. Brett and Charli’s date goes horribly.
You Are Not Invited To My Special Day!
Jax and Tom have a chat where all serious chats take place on this show, in the back alley. Jax starts off by demanding an apology. Then, Jax says he found out “our pastor” (as if Jax had ever laid eyes on the guy) lied to us. We took care of it. Problem solved. I don’t for a minute think that pastor lied to them. They claim he said that his comments on social media are not his beliefs. They are. And I am quite sure Brittany and her mama an em have heard it multiple time from the pulpit.
When Tom tries to respond with, “Here is the thing Jax…” Jax gets some kind of road rage immediately because Tom wants to bring up the past. Sandoval says,, “You know who doesn’t like to bring up the past? Hypocrites and people with bad credit.” More bitching leads to Jax telling Sandoval he can’t have him at his wedding.
Table For Randall…
Who makes reservations with their first name? Randall Emmett, apparently. Jax immediately starts raging like a bull on steroids as soon as Emmett sits down about Sandoval. Then he makes yet another repulsive comment about Ariana’s sexuality. What does that have to do with anything and how does it help the whole, “We are not homophobes who hired a pastor who preaches that gay people are going to hell?”stance in your argument with Sandoval? Then Jax jumps down Brittany’s throat.
While the guys go to the bathroom together. As men do. Oh wait. Anyway, Brittany asks Lala what to do about Ariana since her escort has been banned from the wedding. Lala says she thinks Ariana is a wet blanket. Brittany laughs. This will all be important in an upcoming scene. Lala says she would not want her in her wedding. But, I guess she will still “eat her cookie.” But she goes on to totally trash Ariana and Sandoval. Because, this is Brittany’s A storyline season. Jax comes back with his potty time with Randall and announces that he wants Randall in his wedding. He keeps saying his wedding and his day like he is the bride. Randall agrees. I am sure Jax will throw him out later.
How Does Amy of This Help Uncle Dick In The Deerstand?
Sandoval tells Schwartz that he is not invited to the wedding and they both have a good cry. To recap the recap, the guys and going to the bathroom together and crying. The girls are trashing each other and fighting. What is wrong with this picture? Schwartz wants to try to convince Jax to let Sandoval come to Kentucky. Sandoval says he doesn’t know how to be a best man. Over manly tears as production plays sad soap opera music, Sandoval says he will tie all the bow ties ahead of time, and give Schwartz a survival kit.
The groomsmen try on suits and Chez Cauchi. Schwartz tells Jax that Sandoval was crying when they talked about him being kicked out of the wedding. Jax shoots Schwartz’s plea to reinstate Sandoval down. He already replaced him with Randall.
Upstairs, the smartest girl on the show is busy telling the dumbest girl on the show that she was hurt that Brittany told Jax to beat Sandoval’s ass. She tells Brittany she isn’t comfortable being at her wedding. Ariana tells us in a talking head that her mental health is suffering and it doesn’t help that all her friends are causing her more anxiety.
LVP Summons the Cauchi’s To Swan Shit Central
The local is appropriate because LVP has shitty news. Her mother has passed away and she won’t make it to the Kentucky Fried Wedding. She died very unexpectedly from deep tissue thrombosis. She tells them to get their priorities in order and don’t worry about what anyone says.
With Friends Like These…
Lala and Stassi confront Lala about being such a drag to be around. They tell her they don’t feel like she doesn’t enjoy being with them. She says she doesn’t enjoy anything and states again on camera that she considers driving off a cliff on the way home. Then we get a series of scenes of how badly the other girls talk about her. Followed by their self serving bullshit about how they want to be there for her. I don’t believe that and neither does Ariana. Stassi does a great job of explaining depression in her talking head. Lala is trying to compare grieving a death to chronic depression. Lala says she has only eaten one girl out besides her. She sure likes to mention that. Is she going to want a parade next?
Ariana tells Sandoval that she doesn’t want to go the wedding. Sandoval texted Jax an apology. Ariana is clearly having suicidal ideations and she needs to get help immediately. She’s told several people! Why are they not getting her help.
Next week, we are off to Kentucky!