Well it is finally the last episode of this shit storm of a season. And all the people said AMEN. Let’s get this over with and pretend this season never happened. I am highly unaccousted to being a Kate Chastain fan and would like to get back to where her resting bitch face and hazing of the third stew is the worst thing that happens all season. With that, let’s get this Below Deck recap done. I still have Below Deck Sailing to get to tonight. And Spy Games if I have time. I kind of want to watch some of the Iowa Caucus tonight. It looks like ABC is going to interrupt The Bachelor at least periodically in tonight’s THREE HOUR EPISODE (where this happens). So I may get a little of everything.
We start with an embarrassed chef and pissed off and embarrassed Captain staring down the eye of a dark chocolate penis. Awkward. I don’t get why production is setting this up to be some grand plan by Kate to make Kevin look like a toolbag. He can do that all by himself! Also, the captain himself talked about tiny little penis suckers and such when giving his two cents on how to have a bachelorette party. I hate 51 Minds. They ruin everything. The guests loved the decomposed cock cake. I mean, I’d eat it!
The next morning, Jemele hears all about the cock cake. She’s laughing and asks Kate if they can get some dick. Ashton sort of tries to make up with Rhylee. But not really. Rhylee says she just wants the last shore leave to be drama-free. Ashton agrees, but I doubt Smashton will. Tanner still thinks he has a chance with Kate.
Kevin feels like he should apologize for the dick cake. But first, Jamele apologizes for missing it and says she heard it was incredible. The guests love Kevin. Why are the guests popping bottles of champagne and dumping it in to the ocean! That is a party foul that should be illegal with a mandatory imprisonment sentence!
Jamele left a $20K tip giving everyone $1,800. Simone practically cries. They each made 14K for the season which is like six weeks tops. The girls chat and Courtney says that she and Brian are done and they have nothing left to say to each other.
Full Moon Party On The Beach!
Production went all out for the party on a private island. There are tons of lights and seats and a bar and lady boy dancers and fire throwers and tons of coolness. It’s a very nice setup. Flash to the boat where Captain Lee is relaxing by doing a bit of ironing. I kid you not.
Brian tries to talk to Courtney as if he doesn’t know what to do about their future. Um, that ship has sailed, dickboy. But then, they both agree to tell the other they are full of shit. This was clearly Brian’s idea and now they are just going to suck face on the beach all night. You know, just ending on a good note. Or one more for the road. Or something.
Pitching A Tent
Since Ashton finally understands no one, and I mean not even Tanner, wants to suck his dick, he passes out in one of the tents. This is the smartest thing he has done all season. Kevin is not making good decisions. He is wasted and taking selfies while cuddled up to Rhylee. Then Kate and Simone join in. Kate tries to end things positively but Kevin tell Kate she sucks as a head stew. Kate retaliates by mocking his cooking skills.
Kate is wasted for the first time all season. Tanner, who is always wasted tries to make moves on Kate. Kate tells Tanner she is a lesbian. Remember the season she was a lesbian? Then she went home and beat the crap out of her girlfriend and went back to dick. Tanner leaves Kate alone. Then Kevin stumbles back by Kate for his water bottle and says to no one in particular, he is going to get a shot. Then, from about three steps away from Kate, he turns and randomly kicks a huge cloud of sand right in her face. Brian goes up to Tanner and tells him he was wrong for doing that. Kate announces she would like to leave. Kevin is too drunk to make words all of the sudden.
Yet Another Full Moon
Somehow they all make it back to the boat alive. Kate goes to the primary’s cabin where she is spending her last night on the boat. I imagine she is crying.
Kevin gets naked. Completely naked and walks all over the boat. I spared you the actual naked photos. I can tell you that it took about three pixels to blur out his junk. Poor thing. Courtney drags Brian into a guest cabin for one last rollin the hay.
The next morning Kevin is still wasted. As everyone left the boat, I was amused that the brüs think they are going to continue working in the industry. Oh, I completely forgot Kevin has a daughter. What a great dad he is.
Rhylee just wants to get back to Alaska and fish. Brian at least hugged the girls goodbye. Kate and Rhylee seem to have a friendship that could last beyond the boat. With all the brüs gone, Ashton was at least civil to Kate when he left. Then he made snide remark about redheads. I guess he’s just not man enough to handle strong women like Abbi and Rhylee. Poor thing.
And then it was just the Captain and Kate. Kate is going alone to a resort to decompress. I love that. People often think it is weird when I do that. Those people are missing out. Then she is going back to Florida and moving to NYC! I wonder what her plans are there. My DVR cut off.