Well, today surely felt like a Monday. I slogged through trying to keep up with my Impeachment Cleaning Plan. Thankfully, today was the dining room. A small room. I didn’t finish but I only have a couple hours left but I need a clean kitchen to rinse all the dishes in the dining room and put them back away. The kitchen could take days as I need to clean out all the cabinets and pantries. I am getting verrrrrry sleeeepy… so this Below Deck recap might be a bit disjointed.
But first a bit of exclusive news. Below Deck Reunion films tomorrow. This only gives production about two weeks to have the episode read for airing. That could be a challenge that requires more than 51 minds.
Captain Lee Does Give A Fuck
We pick up this episode where we left off last week with a shirtless, cranky Captain Lee telling the drunken children to get their asses to bed and get ready for a new charter the next morning. Kate goes to bed and cries because (a) she’s drunk and (b) the dickhands were all ganging up on her.
Captain Lee calls everyone to a meeting first thing the next morning. He is pissed. He is also uniformed or unaware, or production told him to be unaware. Come on, it’s a boat. I never believe Captain Sandy or Captain Lee when they act like they do not know what is going on. They might know about all the hookups and on shore fights. But it seems you would know when you have a bunch of asshole dickhands aggravating all the female crew members. Captain Lee says just because this is the last charter doesn’t mean he will not fire them in the middle of the charter. What the hell would he fire them for? As far as he knows nothing is happening.
Breakups, Makeups & Hookups
Both of Tanner’s brain cells are focused on setting up a sex date with Kate. Bryan is pissed with Courtney because she dared to stick up for Rhylee. As Courtney says, Bryan takes every differing opinion she has as disloyalty. Brian is a dick. Brian says he can’t be a nice guy all the time. He makes Courtney cry. Even Kevin gives Courtney a hug. Brian whines for sympathy from the Brüs.
The primary is a former ESPN commentator Jemele Hill. She just got engaged. Some of the other guest brought bachelorette party games. I am not in the mood for penis cakes and pin the penis on the dickless guy games. Not tonight. Jemele is difficult. She asks for an outline of the day. Kate tells her. She ends with dinner at 8:30. Jemele changes it to 9pm. Why? Because she wants to set the schedule and not go by “their schedule.” Really girl? How do you know at lunch what time you want to eat before you get out in the sun on jetskis for the day? They all loved Kevin’s lunch though.
Kate Hates Everyone (Except Rhylee)
Jemele can’t figure out why Kate is being standoffish. These women are annoying. Kevin is annoying. Cut Kate some slack. Kevin want’s to send food out to the beach picnic in casserole dishes. Heavy casserole dishes that the girls have to schlep back and forth. Kate is being very patient with Kevin. Especially if you use the Kate bitch-o-meter to measure her patience. Yet, apparently production has Kevin calling Kate a dick about the dishes. It makes no sense. But this is what happens when people are not used to being produced.
Kate is annoyed with Jamele though. Jamele seems to bond with Simone and not the white lady with the resting bitch face. Simone and Kevin love the guests. Jamele got into hot water for calling the Orange One a white supremacist (the truth hurts I guess) and for a spat with Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for his shit comments about benching players who respectfully take a knee during the national anthem. She’s not one who is afraid to speak her mind.
Courtney Was Five In The 90s.
Marinate on that for a minute. Le sigh. God I’m old. I blinked and the 90s bachelorette party was over. We are zipping right through this charter. It’s the last day of charter and Tanner is focused on getting some from Kate. Ashton wants to poke at Rhylee some more. Kate is ready to retaliate against Kevin over his bizarre demands on how she transports lunch to the beach. You will not win this war, Kevin. Just shut up and get to work making that erect penis cake. Kevin and Jemele are the guests on WWHL tonight. I hope to be asleep by then.
The dickhands decide to leave Rhylee on the boat instead of taking her to the beach picnic. I don’t know why Rhylee cares about this. It’s a couple hours away from the dickhands. Let us be glad and rejoice, girl! Simone is also on the boat and she and Kevin bond over their serious cases of Kate Hate. Please. I’ve hated Kate for SEASONS. This season she is practically Mother Teresa. You have no idea how good you have it!
Beach Buffet With A Thai Massage
I could use one of those Thai massages these ladies are getting on the beach. This is the best beach set up I’ve ever seen on Below Deck. These guests have loved Kevin’s cooking each and every meal. Speaking of Kevin, he’s back in the galley making a penis cake. He seems to really be enjoying himself. Tanner is happily watching the whole….experience.
I am looking forward to Below Deck Sailing Yacht next week! It looks like a lot of fun. Plus first seasons are always great. It would be even better if they used a new production team. Back on Valor, the ladies dressed all in white for dinner with Captain Lee. Jamele has been hitting the brown juice all day so she’s a bit wasted.
I’m Not Eating That Dick!
The meal, which was basically a giant crab ravioli, was enthusiastically enjoyed. The cock cake looks… very realistic in an artistic way. I think it came out great. Jemele is so wasted she had to go to bed before the desert course. She’s going to miss the work of art! Poor Kevin’s masterpiece was not well received. No one was interested in eating his dick…. cake. Somehow this is all Kate’s fault.
Next week, it’s the season finale. Will Tanner finally get laid?