Right before setups for the Pump Rules Recap, I tried to fix a graphics issue and now my entire laptop is completely FUBAR. I was out in the world today and didn’t get enough sleep last night so my brain is worse that usual. So set your expectations low tonight. I mean you know, lower that usual. Also, I think Banjo has given me Wuhan Coronavirus.
While I was trying to spell Wuhan Coronavirus, Stassi was talking to her little brother about her book with describes how she lost her virginity. Let’s just move on over to SUR where new girl Charli, is the younger, dumber future replacement for Scheana. She’s discussing how she has never eaten pasta in her life because she has a secret theory that pasta is what makes everyone fat. Y’all. I am not sure I can take this tonight.
Everyone Hates Dayna?
Then Danica, the assistant manager who got physically aggressive with old Brett walks in. She is on probation for a week but apparently can still pick up waitressing shifts. She was angry with Brett for asking her if she wanted to do a menage à trois. Can’t she just use her words? “No” is a very short word, even when I add the superfluous ‘e’ for emphasis. Then LVP saunters in and heads over to
flirt with Brett tell Brett not to solicit any menage à trois at SUR. Which seems unfair. It is a Sexy Unique Restaurant, sound like the perfect place to solicity a menage à trois.”
Scheanna cries to LVP about about Max saying Scheana is boy crazy to new Brett. Wait LVP is going to talk to him about that? He said it at a private party off the clock. Why does LVP feel the need to control every narrative? Saying Scheana is boy crazy is like saying Stassi is a bitch. These are facts. LVP needs to tell Scheana to wear a bra to work. Dayna is the most normal Surver in the house right now.
Caught In A Bad Romance
The guys from SUR including Jax and the one that is marrying Stassi sit down to chat. The topic is how touchy feeling and desperate Scheana is. Scheana texts Dayna’s new man Max while all of this is going on. At least three guys at this table have slept with Scheana. Scheana asks Max to go out with her that night. This is RIGHT AFTER she complained to his boss about him and got him in trouble. And WHILE the guys are calling her a stage five clinger who constantly talks about her eggs and how she is off birth control. MAKE THIS STOP.
Thankfully, Sandoval changes the conversation to Stassi’s book party the next night. He just found out about it and hopes that Schwartz has all the details together. Sandoval is pissed that Stassi hasn’t even mentioned it to him. Is he not first Tom? Ut Oh. We cut to footage at Tom Tom where Schwartz is doing a walk thru with Stassi. He says he and Sandoval have been talking about the party for three days now. Production backs this up with video receipts. WTF? Schwartz tells Stassi they are not charging her for the space. This has productions fingerprints all over it.
Scheana Reeks Of Desperation and Rejection
Scheana walks in and basically tells the guys to take a hike so she can talk to Max. Max gives the look of a hostage in a ransom video, begging them with his eyes to stay. They ditch him. Scheana lectures Max for calling her crazy. Then she turns the crazy up and reads every nice thing he ever said to her last summer that earned him an apple watch. They were basic compliments guys say to girls. Then she says, “Dayna may have seen his dick, but she has seen his heart.” We are approaching Fatal Attraction levels of crazy here. But wait, there’s more. She basically forbids him from dating Dayna. Max apologizes for…? Having a dick? Dating Dayna.
Just when you think the madness may have ended. We move on to LVP reading to Ken from Stassi’s new book about losing her virginity with a full bush of pubic hair. Stassi want’s LVP to read it outloud at her book signing party. I want to throw up in my mouth. Is it the book or the Wuhan Coronavirus? The combination is too much for me. LVP opts to flee to Boston on business. Speakingof their business. Business is bad at the restaurants. Today LVP was getting on the TMZ tour buses handing out free drink cards redeemable at PUMP for everyone.
And So It Begins
At two am the morning of Stassi’s party, Sandoval sends Stassi a text saying he just found out about the party. He is not bartending and neither is Schwartz. They literally have no bartenders. This is a two hour private party on a Friday afternoon. He threatens to throw her and all of “her wristbands” (idiots had to buy the book at Barnes and Nobles the day before to get a wristband) out of TomTom. God I am only 20 minutes in and already have too many words.
I am not recapping this idiotic dress sewing scene. There is way too much Scheana in this scene.
The Wuhan Coronavirus just made this show into a comic book. Did everyone else see that? Am I hallucinating?Stassi reads a ridiculous passage from her young adult fiction book to a room full of basic bitches, Jax, and her mother. Its embarrassing.
I Pray For Death To Take Me
Did I mention Sandoval has arrived? He was late because he was in the ER with a spider bite. He’s not in the good place. The party is nearly over and he is still saying there is no way they can do the party. Ariana stands by her man.
Oh for fucks sake. Scheana is on WWHL. NOE. I must draw the line there. The Stassi’s fans are loving this. Stassi has enough of Sandoval and goes off on him aggressively. The basic bitches are getting their money’s worth.
Back at SUR, I realize it was Dayna that doesn’t wear a bra to work at SUR. Scheana lectures Dayna about not wearing one. Dayna basically tells Scheana to back off her man.
Sandoval calls Ken and rats Stassi out for screaming in his face in front of throngs of basic bitches. Ken says he would have thrown her out and he will talk to LVP and get back to him. LVP says that is unacceptable.
The Toms chat at Sandoval’s house. The don’t have chairs yet. Sandoval was humiliated that Stassi yelled at him in front of customers in his bar. He must have said TomTom is bar a dozen times this episode. Sandoval says Stassi is banned. Well that would be delicious.
Next Week: Stassi continues to scream at people. This time is Kristen in front of everyone at Brittany’s bachelorette party in Miami. Dayna tells LVP that Scheana is mean. OOOOH BAD IDEA Dayna. Scheana may or may not have perjured herself for LVP