Well, it’s that time again, y’all! I’m back with another season of Vanderpump Rules recaps! And this season we will have both SUR and Tom Tom on the show. Over at Tom Tom there is a whole new crop of penises for Scheana to try to get her hands on. And since Lala doesn’t need the gig anymore, Raquel has finally gotten her chance to be a hostess. Now that she has that job, how long until she breaks up with James? Let’s watch…
And so it begins, with LVP narrating an overview of the season that seems to show all the old friendships breaking up. And, a new crew of horny servers and managers coming in to take over the show as the originals prepare for the retirement home.
The Toms arrival at Tom Tom reminds me of a time when they took away our Aquanet hairspray because aerosol was supposed to be the cause of Armageddon. That was before cow parts were the cause of Armageddon. And before one of the four horses if the apocalypse was elected. The new manager of Tom Tom is Max. He’s cute. He has also already fucked the Tom Tom hostess, Dayna. So not allowed!
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Back at SUR, Jax is pretending to bartend again. And Schena has her eye on a new “SURver named Brett.” Oh wait she has already hooked up with him. And Max. She bought Max an apple watch and he still dumped her. Brett says Scheana is a bad kisser. How is that possible when she has had so much experience? Brett has odd mannerisms. James is sad because Raquel gets to go to SUR everyday to work.
Groomzilla Is Loose In WeHo!
Tom Sandoval has apparently ghosted Jax. It’s about time. So, the final straw was Tom not coming to some sort of pre-bachelor party. Now, Jax doesn’t want him to be his best man anymore. Sandoval chose instead to visit his mother for Mother’s Day as he had planned. #Drama
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Stassi and Beau arrive at Tom Tom and we learn that Stassi’s beloved grandmother has died. LVP toddles over and kicks Beau off the table so she can chat with Stassi. After some quick condolences they move right on to trashing Kristen. Stassi says that Kristen is telling people that the two witches of WeHo are not good friends. Somehow this is a shocking revelation for Stassi. Stassi thinks that Kristen is lying to her about her relationship with her “ex” boyfriend. Oh please. You don’t need to know everything about someone else’s relationship. Perhaps she just doesn’t feel comfortable telling you the real details. LVP and Stassi rant about “liars.” I miss Old Testament God and his smitings.
There Goes The Neighborhood
Tom & Katie, Sandoval & Ariana, and Jax & Brittany all moved into the same neighborhood and all have identical floor plans. They are all moving in at the same time. Sandoval is mad at Jax for constantly trashing his plans to buy a house in the valley, and then buying the exact same house. Jax is mad at Sandoval for not being at his beck and call for every little bachelor get together Jax comes up with before the wedding. They are breaking up, y’all! Schwartzie is worried about being the best man without Sandoval to do everything. So is Jax. Katie and Stassi both are mad at Kristen for not giving them enough details about her relationship,or lack thereof, with Carter.
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Back in Beverly Hills, Lala is suddenly BFFs with Lala. Lala is seven months sober. She wants to make friends with James again. Lala is going to volunteer at Vanderpump Dogs.
With Friends Like Stassi…
Finally we see Kristen, who is also moving. She looks like she has been crying for days. She’s breaking up with Carter. This is a great time for Stassi to drop by and make Kristen’s breakup all about her. So she does. Kristen is having a hard time letting go of Carter and Stassi lacks any compassion for her pain. Everyone else is getting married or buying a house together and Kristen once again is going through a breakup. Why can’t Stassi just leave her alone? Kristen cries that she misses Stassi. They hug. Run Kristen, RUN!
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Schwartz and Katie have a housewarming party for everyone. Stassi and Beau are not there because of her grandmother’s funeral. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO PETER? I didn’t even recognize him! I need THIS PETER!
Party Foul!
Oh no! Carter came to the party. Kristen already looks like the saddest woman in the world. Someone needs to hug her. Also, Brett and Max talk about the Scheana situation. Basically, Brett wants help in getting Scheana to leave him alone. Max had a similar problem. Katie overhears the conversation and immediately waddles over to inform Scheana. WHY? Katie? WHY?
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So Scheana goes over to confront Max for calling her boy crazy and saying he hung out with her too much. All true things. Except she’s just plain THIRSTY if you ask me. Desperation is never a good perfume to catch a man with. Max apologies. They hug it out while Dayna watches. Dayna is the girl that he left his underwear at her house a couple nights ago. Dayna needs a tequila shot. She may also need a shot of penicillin. Then Max says that since Dayna is moving to SUR there is no reason they can’t keep dating. Dayna asks if Max is going to Palm Springs with Scheana. He says yes but with a group. They are no longer hooking up. So, now Scheana has a challenge.
Friends With No Benefits At All
Katie and Lala talk about Carter and Kristen. They feel like Carter has just been using Kristen to pay the bills. So why are they so mean to her? Lala decides to butt into the relationship and talk to Carter. She is wearing a lip ring. I hope that is not an actual piercing. Lala is serious going to lecture Carter for being in a relationship where all his bills are paid? What a hypocrite this one is! Oh Lala, addresses this in a talking head. It’s okay when she does it because she provides killer BJs. Well, Carter provides a warm body in the bed next to Kristen. Let the woman live!
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Finally, Jax and Sandoval talk. Does Sandoval have a black eye? Jax says Sandoval will still be his best man. They hug it out.
Kristen talks to Carter about his conversation with Lala. Kristen is pissed Lala told him he needs to move out. Who does that. Carter kisses Kristen on the cheek and tells her he loves her. Drunk Kristen talks to Lala. Lala is a bitch to Kristen. Why do all three of these bitches feel like they can talk to Carter when they don’t even talk to KRISTEN? Fuck you Lala. And Kate and Stassi. After Lala screams and points her finger in Kristen’s face, dumbass Katie comes over to tell Kristen no one is attacking her. Katie is attacking her! Kristen leaves. I hope she had a Lyft.
Jax and Brittany are on WWHL right now. I’ll update anything important in comments.
Brittany says she has not changed her name yet. She will change it to Cauchi, Jason’s last name, when they have kids.
Lol, I’m cracking up over here. I just read the recap of the season? We’ve got this people!
LVP “toddles”, hello? Perfection, written out in words for us to read, thank you TT! Honestly, I’m going to watch this season. I’m a sucker for a wedding and the home buying? I’m nosey so I will tunr in.
I hate that Sheanashay was “sooo” in love with her husband but dropped him like a hot potato when things got hard as happens in marriage. The poster images from their marriage plastered all over the walls? No pressure? That was wierd. I imagine she may kiss for shit,
I know I’ve kissed horrible kissers, um, horrible in HS (actually only one in HS, our first HS kiss “make out session” on a hay ride, we were both in serious crush mode…anywho, no happy ending there, rumor control on both sides? Not a good fit.) and college too, there are horrible kissers out there! People, beware! On the bright side, there are great kissing options everywhere!
Sorry folks if that’s too much but my chitty just got me home, I feel reconnected with life and my dvr,!
HA! I’m not worthy of your comments! But I always love them.
Katie and Schartz gave the best wedding gift, but they can’t talk about it yet because it is part of the show.
Shep was their worse wedding guest ever. He posted Brittany walking down the aisle before anyone was allowed to post. He was loud and talking during the ceremony and he was videoing everything in an obnoxious way. But they love Shep.
Why is Katie, Stassi and Lala the side all these fucktards are on? IDGI!
These too really seem to not be friends with Sandoval anymore. STILL.
Jax’s mother has not reached out to him. She has not even contacted him. Jax feels like she is the mother and it’s on her to reach out.
Jax is right, I agree with Jax. If I had a falling out with my children (who are adults) once I cooled down I would call, I would write, I would text, I would show up. All conversations would start with I love you, I’m sorry. I would do what it took to make things right between us even if I felt my child was in the wrong. I am not going to ever be estranged from my children. They would have to get a restraining order to keep me away from a wedding.
Fortunately we don’t have drama like that but still, I ain’t ever gonna stop being the Momma.
I think Sandoval and Jax have grown apart, it happens with friends.
Agree, but this is Jax’s version of the situation and he has been proven time and time again (on camera!) to lie on a consistent, maybe pathological basis. So, I take this with less than a grain of salt
Didn’t you just love when they both said “Shep” right at the count of two? It
Jax should reach out to her but he won’t because, narcissist. It’s all about them. He had a bachelor event on Mother’s day and wondered why Sandoval wasn’t with him? That tells you all you need to know right there. Jax should think about what his dad would want him to do with regards to his mother. Me thinks he would tell Jax that he was acting like a spoiled brat and then slap him across the face for being so disrespectful.
Jax has no width to his thinking, never occurred to Jax that Mothers Day was that Sunday, possibly not particularly literate enough to read the small print on the calendar. Jax can’t back up and fix stuff.
As someone who used to be fairly literate before she got the crazy and just decided to drunk blog… I love ” no width to his thinking” it’s a brilliant turn of phrase that I plan to stash in my pocket if I ever get myself together enough to do some real (soberish) writing.
I also use “no depth to his thinking”, didn’t think it through far enough. You are welcome.
My favourite phrase (used by the Speaker of our Parliament last year)was telling someone he knew “the square root of nothing”
Anything said by the Speaker of your Paliament last year was worth remembering.
Why were the Toms wearing nightgowns at a house warming party?
Because Katie called it a House CHILLING party and wanted everyone to come in casual clothes to chill in. Sorry should have included that in my recap. Schwartz took that to mean PJs which is not what Katie meant.
Several years ago I met Jax while he and Brittany were filming their spin off show. First off, Brittany is super skinny in person. And she was stunning in person. But not the the brightest. Jax was really tall and good looking in person. And I was shocked because he was really nice. He can hold a conversation and be completely normal and down to earth. But his cologne was so strong I gagged. My husband said he was arrogant at first, but after a few drinks he was really nice.
When I was talking to him, all i could think about was how strong his cologne was.
I don’t doubt it, film and pictures make a person look larger than they do in real life. Thats why I have a category of body size I reserve for tv people, I call it tv skinny. It is the amount of thin you have to be to look good on camera, which is a biit smaller than regular skinny but not so small you fit into the ‘OMG she must never eat” category.
This holier than thou, manufactured, self-righteousness of Lala/Katie/Stassi over Kristen’s relationship with Carter makes me want to puke.
It seems that way to me too. I think they just need to butt out. But on WWHL, Brittany said people should be on the side of Lala/Katie/Stassi over Kristen, so that gives me pause, because Brittany is sweet and usually tries to see the best in everyone. (Jax thought so too, but I don’t put any stock in his opinions.)
Lala faulting anyone because someone else supports them is rich.
I would not let all these drunks in my new house.
Scheana looks so pathetic. Doesn’t she see how desperate she looks?
More desperate than with Adam last season? She has zero backbone.
Somethings not right with Brittany. I see someone who wanted to get her hands on Jax and become a regular on the show, which she did. I don’t see her as sweet as everyone else does. Any women who marries a man that has repeatedly cheated on her either has ulterior motives or has extremely low self esteem. I predict that she will get pregnant, Jax will be a shitty father and not help her at all and they will get divorced.
I don’t disagree, especially with the Lala portion. However, I can understand Katie/Stassi getting tired of constantly supporting her through a breakup that never actually finishes. It’s attention seeking behavior similar to the Tom/Kristen cheating/not breaking up that happened early in the show’s run. That would wear me out too.
I was also shocked about Peter too he was so good looking
What happened to Peter?
Bloat.
He’s definitely cycling his PEDs, but yes his body fat % was way up. Reminds me of someone in a off-cycle. That hair and ill-fitting shirt though, why doesnt get 90day Fiance Zied vibes from it!!
Are you saying steroids oh no
I no longer want to touch Peter’s peter… This is 100% a princess Fiona situation. I reacted with the same horror as Donkey.
I thought he had just been lifting weights. I’ve always thought he was so cute but he has zero game with the ladies.
I’ve always thought Peter was hot! Something about dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin…yum!
What is NOT hot is another season of Katie’s droopy boobs in dresses that force me to see them. Seriously, has NO ONE told her this is all the seasons they’ve been on??? 🤮
I always found him kind of gross and greasy. And his too tight shirts always had repulsive pit stains. Ewwww
It looks like they all dieted hardcore, or something, Katie, Jax and Brittany were all much smaller than they had been. Katie looked kind of sallow or something, her coloring was off at the house warming.
Maybe but I have seen Kenya and Kandi IRl and they are both tiny people. TINY! Like Kandi is a size 2. They are teeny tiny.
Which makes me wonder how Kelly Consuelous even exists.
I’ve seen LVP, Jax and Scheana. All super small, too. Jax wasn’t tall to me, but my husband is above six feet. He was, however, very well groomed.
I see her all the time in town. Shes a walking qtip
Ack! Can we talk about Katie’s interview look? The one with her dress open to her waist? SO not flattering.
I don’t get it, she does this every year and she is a pretty girl but her interview looks always show way too much upper frontal. I honestly have gotten to the point now after years…I just listen during her interviews because I get a little embarrassed by looking at her! I look away now without even thinking about it, it’s subconscious.
Between LVP “toddling” and Katie “waddling” and Kristin wobbling … too much.
WTF is wrong with the WeHoes that they don’t understand that breakups can be complicated and messy and not always clean cut? What about Stassi and Patrick? How many times did they break up?
That was really shitty of new guy Brett to say Sheana was not a good kisser. Really, asshat. Do you need to tell the camera — or the shady PA? What a dick.
Brittany is making a big deal about her nanas beer cheese. I am from Kentucky and there are more kinds of beer cheeses made in Kentucky and in every store than there are Toyota’s on the road. You don’t see Kentucky Proud products in other states because they are already more expensive then other brands and the shipping would be outrageous to market in a store in any other state. Most beer cheese is good and taste the same. If these idiots in LA would google it, it can be made very easy at home with beer; sharp cheddar, hot sauce . It’s not rocket science and most recepies are good.
Lala’s hypocrisy in calling Kristen a “sugar mama” is hilarious. Someone is missing the self-awareness gene.
I’m TBD on the new cast members. Still struggling to tell the two new guys apart…they look/act similar to each other.
I wonder if production is planning to “Vicki Gunvalson” many of the OG cast members, and the new faces this season are foreshadowing that.
They should be scared shitless with all of them buying million dollar homes. They aren’t going to be on vanderpump rules forever.
Lala sort of had a good point, but as usual shot herself in the foot by adding shock value with the BJs comment. The first thng she said, though, was that she helps Randall organizationally. I don’t think Carter really tries to make Kristen’s life easier, even if was just washing dishes.
Nonetheless, we have all benn there where it takes a long time to get rid of someone bad for us. You just have to let people figure it out…and love them even if they never do.
When Jax was on Jeff Lewis Live, he said that at least for him, he stayed in the same apartments he could afford before the show to save up the show money to buy his own home. I THINK he even said he knew the show wouldn’t last forever, and was going to try to buy it with as much down as possible so the house payments would be manageable even without the show. I was stunned that he was thinking that far ahead, frankly. I hope he factored in tax payments even if they bought it outright, for cash.
Lol Peter looks like a greasy pirate with pit stains. Whatever happened to Billie Lee, BTW?
LVP who loves to say she supports LGBTQ allowed her to be bullied and ran her off.
I think the witches of Weho exiled Kristen for Lala. Oh yay the previews show we get to see Rand on the show this year. Lord knows I’ve been missing a fat, no-neck ugly guy with a PJ on my TV. I wonder if Stassi or Katie think, young and decent looking over money and grossness! I did notice that any weight Brittany lost was for the wedding is back from her appearance on WWHL. New cast seems ok, I’m hoping Sheana gets a real bf this year since I’m kinda tired of her portrayed as this loser stage 5 clinger. I dunno why I just always thought the Tom and Katie marriage was for the show and Tom’s dick not working was just for Katie! Seems to be looking much better than last season.
TT- great recap. I see both sides of the Kristin, Stasi, Katie and Lala situation. Everyone deals with break ups in their own way. I think the 3 nosy Nellies could have dealt with Kristin with more compassion. How many years did we suffer through the ups and downs of Katie and Tom. I think what is misleading is Kristin telling her friends she wants Carter gone and he won’t go but accordingly to Carter she wants him around. So where is Kristin’s head at? Is she trying to get sympathy and attention from her friends because maybe their friendship has changed because her friends are now in relationships and moving forward and Kristin seems to be treading water in the same pool just with a different guy. Her situation with James was similar. Jax gets away with everything , because hey that’s Jax. Brittany can’t possibly be that patient and understanding. When he is talking about his issues with Sandoval and talking about himself she looks like she wants to laugh or roll her eyes. She must have an end game.
How did I miss the opening episode? I’m an idiot! Glad I got to read your recap, TT, as I probably got more out of this than had I watched. : ) As usual, thanks!
With all the adulting and nesting, this show seems to be circling the drain and about to run its course. At least the OG’s might want to pack it up. Let’s see if the new blood can usher the show into subsequent seasons.
The drama between Kristen, Lala and the witches of WEHO is tired and not interesting at all.
With friends like Jax, Sandoval doesn’t need enemies. He should have kicked him to the curb long ago.
I really missed James Kennedy. He’s the only one with a compelling storyline. His family, his DJ gigs & struggle with sobriety are a lot more interesting than Schaena trolling the staff or the women piling up on Kristen. Besides, I love to watch him be “the villain” and wind Katie up.
They ALL look like they’ve bloated. Which is weird seeing as they’ve got a wedding coming up. Also everyone has a weird double chin even though they’re not fat… Last year’s Kybella wearing off???
My brain stopped working after the Lala scene because my synapses exploded from the hypocrisy…
Also, the scene where Katie tells Lala she’d be the best one to talk to Carter… Was that subtle shade from Ms. Maloney???? Is she smarter than I give her credit for???
Dayna Max and Brett need to go to an acting class stat. Or if they’re in one they need a better one. Worst opening scenes ever.
Lol, I have to agree with you. I kept waiting for “a point”.
Will James be absent this season??
I wonder if Raquel’s break up scene is a wrap?(in upcoming scenes) You never know when a person is slamming the door behind them? Lol.
I don’t believe for one minute that schena opened her legs for Max. I’m not buying that storyline. Brett and max seem nice enough but definitely not slaying the ladies!
Gonna go with team Stassi/Katie/Lala here. Had a friend that continually bitched about her boyfriend for YEARS. She paid for most stuff, he didn’t reciprocate favors, wasn’t really supportive of her. We NEVER really heard ANY good stories. We were her continual sounding board of the bad stuff. She was still with him, so we were cautious about trashing him too much. Then they FINALLY broke up (I think it was his decision). We listened to the crying, mopped up the tears, and told her she would ultimately be better off (based on what she told us he did!!)
Ooops.. hit enter. Well, yup… she went back to fucking him and buying him his lunch and running all sorts of errands for him, when he couldn’t bother to pick her up when her car broke down. She started complaining again, we (my best friend and I) just finally told her that we had no idea why she was still with him, as according to what SHE said he was a trashy user that wasn’t even good in bed, that she had a lucky escape the first time. So I could see why the girls would get frustrated when Kristen announces that they broke up but that she is still paying the bills, living with him, fucking him… how exactly are they broken up? He’s free to fuck someone else now, and still live off her?