Well, it’s that time again, y’all! I’m back with another season of Vanderpump Rules recaps! And this season we will have both SUR and Tom Tom on the show. Over at Tom Tom there is a whole new crop of penises for Scheana to try to get her hands on. And since Lala doesn’t need the gig anymore, Raquel has finally gotten her chance to be a hostess. Now that she has that job, how long until she breaks up with James? Let’s watch…
And so it begins, with LVP narrating an overview of the season that seems to show all the old friendships breaking up. And, a new crew of horny servers and managers coming in to take over the show as the originals prepare for the retirement home.
The Toms arrival at Tom Tom reminds me of a time when they took away our Aquanet hairspray because aerosol was supposed to be the cause of Armageddon. That was before cow parts were the cause of Armageddon. And before one of the four horses if the apocalypse was elected. The new manager of Tom Tom is Max. He’s cute. He has also already fucked the Tom Tom hostess, Dayna. So not allowed!
Back at SUR, Jax is pretending to bartend again. And Schena has her eye on a new “SURver named Brett.” Oh wait she has already hooked up with him. And Max. She bought Max an apple watch and he still dumped her. Brett says Scheana is a bad kisser. How is that possible when she has had so much experience? Brett has odd mannerisms. James is sad because Raquel gets to go to SUR everyday to work.
Groomzilla Is Loose In WeHo!
Tom Sandoval has apparently ghosted Jax. It’s about time. So, the final straw was Tom not coming to some sort of pre-bachelor party. Now, Jax doesn’t want him to be his best man anymore. Sandoval chose instead to visit his mother for Mother’s Day as he had planned. #Drama
Stassi and Beau arrive at Tom Tom and we learn that Stassi’s beloved grandmother has died. LVP toddles over and kicks Beau off the table so she can chat with Stassi. After some quick condolences they move right on to trashing Kristen. Stassi says that Kristen is telling people that the two witches of WeHo are not good friends. Somehow this is a shocking revelation for Stassi. Stassi thinks that Kristen is lying to her about her relationship with her “ex” boyfriend. Oh please. You don’t need to know everything about someone else’s relationship. Perhaps she just doesn’t feel comfortable telling you the real details. LVP and Stassi rant about “liars.” I miss Old Testament God and his smitings.
There Goes The Neighborhood
Tom & Katie, Sandoval & Ariana, and Jax & Brittany all moved into the same neighborhood and all have identical floor plans. They are all moving in at the same time. Sandoval is mad at Jax for constantly trashing his plans to buy a house in the valley, and then buying the exact same house. Jax is mad at Sandoval for not being at his beck and call for every little bachelor get together Jax comes up with before the wedding. They are breaking up, y’all! Schwartzie is worried about being the best man without Sandoval to do everything. So is Jax. Katie and Stassi both are mad at Kristen for not giving them enough details about her relationship,or lack thereof, with Carter.
Back in Beverly Hills, Lala is suddenly BFFs with Lala. Lala is seven months sober. She wants to make friends with James again. Lala is going to volunteer at Vanderpump Dogs.
With Friends Like Stassi…
Finally we see Kristen, who is also moving. She looks like she has been crying for days. She’s breaking up with Carter. This is a great time for Stassi to drop by and make Kristen’s breakup all about her. So she does. Kristen is having a hard time letting go of Carter and Stassi lacks any compassion for her pain. Everyone else is getting married or buying a house together and Kristen once again is going through a breakup. Why can’t Stassi just leave her alone? Kristen cries that she misses Stassi. They hug. Run Kristen, RUN!
Schwartz and Katie have a housewarming party for everyone. Stassi and Beau are not there because of her grandmother’s funeral. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO PETER? I didn’t even recognize him! I need THIS PETER!
Oh no! Carter came to the party. Kristen already looks like the saddest woman in the world. Someone needs to hug her. Also, Brett and Max talk about the Scheana situation. Basically, Brett wants help in getting Scheana to leave him alone. Max had a similar problem. Katie overhears the conversation and immediately waddles over to inform Scheana. WHY? Katie? WHY?
So Scheana goes over to confront Max for calling her boy crazy and saying he hung out with her too much. All true things. Except she’s just plain THIRSTY if you ask me. Desperation is never a good perfume to catch a man with. Max apologies. They hug it out while Dayna watches. Dayna is the girl that he left his underwear at her house a couple nights ago. Dayna needs a tequila shot. She may also need a shot of penicillin. Then Max says that since Dayna is moving to SUR there is no reason they can’t keep dating. Dayna asks if Max is going to Palm Springs with Scheana. He says yes but with a group. They are no longer hooking up. So, now Scheana has a challenge.
Friends With No Benefits At All
Katie and Lala talk about Carter and Kristen. They feel like Carter has just been using Kristen to pay the bills. So why are they so mean to her? Lala decides to butt into the relationship and talk to Carter. She is wearing a lip ring. I hope that is not an actual piercing. Lala is serious going to lecture Carter for being in a relationship where all his bills are paid? What a hypocrite this one is! Oh Lala, addresses this in a talking head. It’s okay when she does it because she provides killer BJs. Well, Carter provides a warm body in the bed next to Kristen. Let the woman live!
Finally, Jax and Sandoval talk. Does Sandoval have a black eye? Jax says Sandoval will still be his best man. They hug it out.
Kristen talks to Carter about his conversation with Lala. Kristen is pissed Lala told him he needs to move out. Who does that. Carter kisses Kristen on the cheek and tells her he loves her. Drunk Kristen talks to Lala. Lala is a bitch to Kristen. Why do all three of these bitches feel like they can talk to Carter when they don’t even talk to KRISTEN? Fuck you Lala. And Kate and Stassi. After Lala screams and points her finger in Kristen’s face, dumbass Katie comes over to tell Kristen no one is attacking her. Katie is attacking her! Kristen leaves. I hope she had a Lyft.
Jax and Brittany are on WWHL right now. I’ll update anything important in comments.