I am all in for this week’s RHOC Recap! However, my brain is full. I have been handling a lot technical updates to the site for the past couple weeks. And the last 48 hours have been THE WORST. I’ve taken five years of French and can sort of kind of read it. Barely speak it. And though French speakers get what I am trying to say, I usually can’t understand them at all. Once I was in Paris at Christmas and in a very tourist area when a young man approached me asking for help in French. I understood him perfectly and responded in French. He was as it turns out American.
With tech stuff, this is a whole language I have never studied. I had to carry messages between the SSL help desk. the hosting site help desk, and the domain site helpdesk spoken in tech speak. But today, I finally got the result I needed. So I NEED A stupid housewives show and copious amounts of alcohol. I am relieved and feel like Mercury may be out of retrograde.
It’s Time For Dueling Factions!
I’ve missed an episode or two, so bear with me if I sound “more stupider” than ever. Literally, the taglines just started and Banjo has to go out. It’s like he KNOWS when the worst moments of the day and night are to go outside. Argh. Earlier today when I was on with tech support he started barking for literally no reason. I Shouldn’t complain though. I will miss this when he’s gone.
Innnnnn This Corner We Have Tamra, Vicki and ……Emily?
Tamra and Vicki meet for lunch and they are both pissed at Kelly. Both of them now have her blocked. The thing is that Tamra actually did say Kelly threw her mother down the stairs a couple years ago and Kelly has some sort of “secret footage” of her saying that. Tamra says that was taken out of context. Then Emily joins the lunch. Seems like a weird person to be there. I love Emily, and don’t see her with these two cons. It’s a Kelly bashing session. I’m not a Kelly fan but most of these women need to be bashed.
Tamra is pissed because at this time she was still in a lawsuit with Jim Bellino and Kelly was spewing dirt on Tamra and tagging Jim Bellino. Tamra claims between her and Shannon they have spent half a million dollars on legal fees. I don’t believe that. Emily tries to defend Kelly a little bit despite her rude behavior toward Shane. Kelly is now closer with Kelly than Tamra.
And In This Corner We Have Kelly and….. Shannon?
Next, we see Kelly who has made up with her mother. That’s sweet. She talks to her mom on the phone. She’s crying to her mom about everyone “being me to her. Girl, please. You are a bitch to literally everyone on the show. Clearly, she has sent her mother some money to say she didn’t throw her down the stairs and her mother dutifully repeats the “she is going to get sued for defamation of character.” Kelly says she didn’t throw her mom down the stairs. She picked her up and put her outside her door.
Basically Kelly is saying that Tamra is a horrible person and Tamra is saying Kelly is a horrible person. Neither of them is wrong about that. They are both horrible. Kelly says that Tamra talks shit about Shannon all the time too. Tamra says Shannon is a drunk who is drinking herself to death. Shannon is Team Tamra. In her confessional Shannon says she believes Tamra. You know who else Shannon believed? David. Shannon’s truth detector is way out of whack. Kelly says that she is removing herself from the Tres Amigas.
A Weaning Party?
After nineteen years of breastfeeding, the brood cow is throwing herself a party. On the way to the party, Emily and Gina are apparently driving themselves, don’t they usually have a car service for these things? Maybe Emily doesn’t drink. Or maybe they are going shopping for presents for Braunwyn, who has asked for “inappropriate gifts.”
Gina is dating Dr. Hottie and apparently that made Matt cry for the first time in their twelve year relationship. Typical sociopath manipulation. But Gina sadly buys into it. Ah yes, they are off to by sex toys for Braunwyn.
Archie is the real star of this show… Shannon went to court with David and she made the most money she ever made last year. So she is crying that she might not get alimony or child support. Well, that is the way it works sweetie. Fortunately for her she got a shit ton in the settlement.
Tamra and Braunwyn Have A Tête-à-tête
This entire show is about conflict and resolution. Can’t we just have champagne and caviar on the deck of someone’s ocean side home and be rich people once in awhile? They argue like crabs in a sack the entire time and it is exhausting. Are rich people never really having fun?
Braunwyn is trying to figure out who the lying cuntsatchel is. Is it Kelly? Is it Tamra? Yes, Braunwyn. Yes to both. I am typing way too much for this recap. How am I halfway through and so far behind?
The Love Shack Is A Little Ole Place Where We Can Get Together
Everyone except Kelly heads to Braunwyn’s Love Shack for the weaning party. Kelly films a counter scene to trash Tamra instead. At the weaning party, the bartenders are hot shirtless guys. Braunwyn acts like she is inviting the ladies to stay at one of “her homes in Miami” but I’m pretty sure they actually stayed in hotels. The main part of the trip was in Key West. Miami was basically a layover for one night. Shannon is out because Key West is where David started his affair. But she is down with Miami.
Braunwyn hired a male stripper and a female stripper. She literally tells the male stripper to get off her so the female one can hop on. Emily is ALL OVER the male stripper. Vicki is just not down with this nonsense so she leaves.
Shannon goes to meet with her lawyer. David was an asshole in divorce court. But Shannon wins in the end.
Next week, Shannon finishes up court. Vicki gets engaged (off camera),the girls all arrive in Miami. Kelly threatens to sue Tamra.