First of all, I was totally expecting BravoCon to be Fyre Fest part two. It was not. It actually went quite well all things considered. That said, I had zero FOMO. A “museum” of Bravo oddities? Schwartz showing his ass tattoo? Sprinkle cookies? For like eleventy billion dollars, no thank you.
Anyway, Andy Cohen is thrilled to have a live audience of around 2,000 screaming middle-aged women and gay men. They are sponsored by Pepsi who is serving “Pepsi sparkling rosé.” Oh the luxury of a can of soda trying to taste like wine with zero alcohol content. Good Lord, I am being snarky already but even if I didn’t try to avoid cameras, I would be mortified if my parole officer sentenced me to attend this ratchet experience.
The Former Housewives
We start with the OGs that are no longer on the show. I admit to fangirling the fuck out over Caroline Manzo She got her neck done so Andy calls her out on it immediately. Dude, if you are going to call out everyone’s latest cosmetic work we should have just had this be an episode of Botched. Caroline looks amazing though. Caroline immediately is asked about Teresa trying to blame her for her prison time. Jill seems to say her engagement/marriage to the new guy is filmed for RHONY. Adrienne’s ex-husband, Paul got married and sang at his own wedding. Kim Richards and Kyle Richards are both friends with Brandi Glanville now. Brandi was not at Bravocon.
RHOA at BravoCon
Next up we have the RHOA, Kenya, Cynthia and Eva. But no Nene. Tamara Tattles exclusive sources say Nene was invited but claimed to be working on other projects. In other words, everyone hates her so she did not come. Cynthia still can’t spit out her wedding date properly. It’s 10/10/2020. Kelly Dodd has decided that is her wedding date too. This is not the first time this has happened. Kim Biermann and Yolanda Foster both got married on 11/11/11. Kenya Moore is an LVP fan. Villains love villains. Cynthia was excited to see Jill Zarin again. They are friends . Eva has a crush on Captain Lee so she was excited to meet him for the first time.
The Vanderpump fools were mostly all there. Sandoval is dressed in drag as ” Visa Manderhump.” Because, Sandoval. Then LVP and a dog that appears to be alive comes out. She plops down next to Jax. Stassi says she is getting married on the show. Katie says Schwartz’s dick works now. The rumors of her pregnancy persist. They don’t mention it on Bravocon, but James has had a decent stretch of sobriety when the new season starts. After her introduction, LVP bailed and so did Caroline Manzo. Because, foolishness.
RHONY on WWHL At BravoCon
TInsley, Ramona, Dorinda and Luann are representing. Luann introduces Leah McSweeney. Leah is a full blown nutbar. Leah says that the cast is “badass.” Ramona supposedly dating a construction worker but won’t confirm or deny. Tinsley says that she is back together with Scott. The audience seems to clap at first and then boos. She gets out of her seat and starts screeching at the crowd, “Whaaaaaat? Why? Are they booing?” Andy makes them stop and moves on. Dorinda says Leah is the new badass on town. Luann is happy to be off probation to be a badass again. Um, Lu, darling, you were never a badass.
Below Deck Turns Up
Captain Lee, Kate, Joao, Colin and Captain Sandy all take a seat on the couch. Kate says Austen from Southern Charm didn’t know what show she was on. So she told him she just finished season seven of Real Housewives of Thailand Ocean. Both captains were asked who they would poach from the other’s cast. Captain Sandy says Kate. That should really help her with her conflicts with Hannah. Captain Lee said he was not going to give Kate up. He would take Captain Sandy. And I imagine she would be third deckhand.
Shahs Of Sunset At BravoCon
Mercedeh, Mike, Reza and Golnesa take the stage. And that is awkward since Reza is being a giant prick post filming and has a restraining order against Tommy. I’m not sure if I told y’all the GG is pregnant. Her due date is May 16th. MJ says her life is forever changed by motherhood and she sees things through a completely different lens now. Reza got new teeth. Did someone knock out the old ones? Mike seems to be back on #TeamMercedeh! YAY!
Vicki Gets Her Own Special Entrance
The RHOC come out without Queen Victoria and for a moment I think she is being punished for the lawsuits against Bravo and Kelly. Then she gets her own VIP entrance replete with the doorbell. Kelly talks about her engagement. Ramona is the person that set Kelly up with her man. Ramona’s jewelry gets caught in Kelly’s hair when they hug. Kelly is friends with several of the RHONY and desperately wants to switch to RHONY. However, Jolie is currently applying for exclusive private high schools in the Orange County area. I am sure there are rich kids schools in NYC too, Kelly.
Shannon is super happy with her boyfriend. She has a face full of filler like I have never seen before. I have a hard time telling the RHOC apart because they all look alike to me. But even after hearing Shannon’s voice, I was like, “That’s Shannon?
RHONJ Arrive WIth A Table Flip By Teresa
I read today that Teresa had to leave Bravocon early because he father had to be hospitalized. As if her girls needed more tragedy in their lives. At least he got to live with them while Joe was in prison. Teresa said the trip to Italy was amazing. Teresa said she was very emotional over how happy her girls were. It’s very clear she is not interested in reuniting with Joe. Andy asks Dolores how she would feel if Caroline came back to the show. She and Caroline are long time friends so she would be fine with it. Margaret says she will never get along with Danielle. Teresa said that while everyone seemed to think Joe was angry on WWHL, she was fine. That’s the Joe she knows so she thought he was fine.
RHOBH TAKE BRAVOCON WWHL!
Every photo from Bravocon I seen with Kyle Richards in it, I have found her unrecognizable. Her lashes seem like they are so heavy she can hardly lift them. Kyle, girlfriend, stop trying to mess with perfection! Rinna is still playing with weaves and extensions and has a super long ponytail, Andy tells Rinna that Kim Richard is there and said she regrets giving back the bunny and wants it back. ICYMI Teddi Mellencamp is pregnant. She is due the first week of March. The ladies talk about filming and how things are going great and there is plenty of drama with the two new girls. Sadly, this is not how production feels.
When Andy mentions Camille coming back, the Bravocon audiences BOOOS LOUDLY. LOL I love it. Kyle said it was good to see Camille back (she’s lying, she can’t stand Camille either) but that “the tweets are killing all of us.” Erika Jayne is going to be playing Roxy in Chicago. Lisa Rinna has also played the part. Luann de Lesseps tried everything she could to get the part. But no dice. Erika opens on January 6th and works through March 30th. Damn girl three months is a long time to be on Broadway. Take your vitamins.
Married To Medicine Is in the Bravocon House!
I think they are all here but I am not really sure. Toya and Tinsley Mortimer are both wearing the same dress! Tinsley, Toya and Stephanie all appear to have been under contract with Intermix for a couple years now. The dress is hideous on both of them. I mean God Awful. Looks like my great grandma’s sofa grew some giant sleeves.
When Andy asks Quad if she is dating she replies, ” Wouldn’t you like to know, Andy? I’m slim in the waist and cute in the face. So yes, the boys are tryna holler.” Mariah is wearing a sequins beret. I can always count on all the ATL girls to looks cheap.
…And The Rest Are Here On Bravocon Isle….
Gizelle and Ashley from Potomac, LeeAnne and Brandi from Dallas, come out on stage. The Potomac girls are clearly on a gag order from saying too much about Candiace filing charges on Monique, and Monique filing her own criminal charges on Candiace. Clearly both were not allowed to attend Bravocon. They are all four quickly dismissed.
It seems the whole gang from Southern Charm is there. Kathryn admits that she and Thomas have reached a custody agreement. Same as it ever was. Craig’s pillow business is doing great. The camera pans to fans holding up his pillow covers. They are very over priced.
Andy Wants To SING Don’t Be Tardy Live Onstage
Because he is a HUGE Attention whore. Then Kim Biermann comes out and surprises him to “sing” with him. Erika Jayne must be dying of laughter. He asks the audience to sing along as he goes into the audience with them. No one knows the words to this shit except for the “Don’t Be Tardy For The Party Part.” No one is singing. He looks like a fool. Then Kim comes out from the back of the theater and they finish as a duet. This feels like an acid trip, y’all.
Kim Biermann is in a black leather form fitting dress and looks very much three months pregnant to me. Kim doesn’t confirm or deny that she is pregnant. She says, “Does it look like I’m pregnant?” YES! Saith the audience. She says, “I’ve had six kids!” Well, yes, which is why you should stop photoshopping the holy hell out of your IG photos. Especially YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER! Andy sucking up to Kim is going to piss off the Moose population in Georgia.
Squash That Beef!
And (Hopefully) FINALLY it’s time for a stupid WWHL Game. Two feuding Bravolebs have to try to resolve their issues. First up, Captain Lee and Jax. At one point I would say Jax is not worthy to breathe the same air as Captain Lee. But Captain Lee has been trying to rival Jax lately on Twitter and being nasty to a former female “employee” Twitter is unacceptable. Especially if she is barely legal. Captain Lee going after Jax was fine. It’s an older man teacher an overgrown snot-nosed kid.
As the two made their way to the hotseat, Jax playfully followed Captain Lee and put his hands on Captain Lee’s shoulders. He seems to have meant it as a friendly gesture. However, I half expected Captain Lee to turn around and lay Jax out. To none’s surprise, Jax gets booed by the audience for blocking Captain Lee. Jax says the two got together last week and hashed it out and they are good. Jax apologizes and they hug it out. Captain Lee barely had to open his mouth.
Ramona Singer Says She Is Camera Shy While She Is At BRAVOCON?
Next up is Ramona and Gizelle. They were both at an event and Ramona insisted that Gizelle get out of a photo they were posing for at an event. Ramona of course lies and makes it all about herself. Ramona claps her hands as she says the facts are the facts they are on Instagram. Then after prompting from Andy she says she was sorry she hurt her feelings. Ramona keeps lying, Gizelle keeps checking a bitch. It was marvelous. Andy asks Gizelle if she accepts her apology. Ramona interjects that she is not in fact apologizing. The beef is NOT SQUASHED. I am Team Gizelle on this one, what about you?
The next spin of the wheel is Ramona versus Delores. WTF? Is there anyone that Ramona doesn’t have beef with? When Ramona was on WWHL a while back, there was a dating game for her and Frank was one of the contestants. After the show, once again, Ramona refused to take a photo with Frank. Ramona’s response was that she doesn’t like taking photos. Dear God, have you seen Ramona’s social media? She takes photos with everyone! I hate photos. So I would never go to Bravocon, or be on a reality show, or ask anyone to take a photo with me. That is basically Ramona’s whole life. The audience boos Ramona. So Ramona hugs it out with Delores.
Ramona Has Beef With Everyone!
I smell a Bravo set up here. The fourth round of this game is Ramona v Vicki. Vicki gets and tries to sit where Ramona had previously sat. Ramona throws a fit and wants her old seat back. Vicki doesn’t care so she moves. Andy tells Vicki to let Ramona have the seat even though it is on Vicki’s side of the stage. WTF, Andrew? On a recent WWHL Ramona claimed that she is the original OG and RHONY put the housewives on the map. Vicki screams over and over “I PUT YOU ON THE MAP! There would be no housewives without me!” Drag her Vicki! The entire audience gives Vicki a standing ovation ensuring her a full-time contract and a motherfucking raise for next year.
Ramona thinks the NYC press made housewives popular and that was all because of her. Vicki leads the 2,000 nutbars in a course of “VICKI, VICKI, VICKI!” and Andy call an end to it all.
With seconds left on the clock, Andrew calls up Kelly Dodd and Kenya Moore. I have no idea what this beef is about. And I will never know unless you tell me because my DVR from Spectrum SUCKS ASS and cut off. What was that about?