I am so excited for tonight’s Below Deck Med Recap! Captain Lee, Kate and Ashton are back to keep everything shipshape. Ashton got promoted to Bosun since his near death experience last season. It seems that some sort of surprise will “rock Ashton to his core.” As for Kate, she will continue to drive the chef batty and play favorites with the stews while doing as little manual labor as possible. The promo makes it seem like Kate quits because Captain Lee finally stopped coddling her. I’ll believe it when I see it. Supposedly, a stew we have seen before takes over at the last minute.
On deck, we have the requisite green female deckhand to be sure there is the splash of misogyny Bravo requires. Abbi is super cute, but don’t get to emotionally involved with her. She won’t be around for long. Also, the ship’s name is Valor. Again. I doubt it is the same ship though. 51 Minds probably just had an excess of Valor shirts left over. There is even more sex happening below deck that leads to…well just what you would expect.If Kate lives it will probably be because one of her stews stole her fuckboy.
Let’s get to the first Below Deck Recap of season seven! Before the show even starts, I hate the Long Island douchebag. Apparently, this is the same Valor as before. The signs covering the real name look ridiculous.Captain Lee told us that last season, “Ashton displayed some qualities that will make him a great bosun.” Could he be more specific? I must have missed those. I just remember him being sort of a jerk and having to be fished out of the water because he stood in the middle of the lines while fiddling with the tinder.
Simone is I believe our first black stew. Has integration finally reached Bravo this year? First, Garcelle on RHOBH and now Simone on Below Deck? Alas her storyline is to be the incompetent stew. And they made her second stew. I am so not ready for Below Deck to jump the shark. I love Abbi, the female deckhand, but I have a feeling they replace her before the season ends. Probably with Colin. He just announced he’s be at Bravo Con. By the way, the ticket holders still have no idea what kind of pig is in that poke. Courtney is above doing manual labor and just wants to drink champagne on the yacht. Kate will love her. Poor Simone, it’s going to be a long season, girlfriend.
And Now A Word From The Captain
The crew meets with Captain Lee who tells them,”Good luck, and don’t fuck it up.” Oh wait, that’s Rupaul he give his usual “Don’t embarrass yourselves and don’t embarrass the boat indoctrination. But this time he adds a dash of,”If I have to bail somebody out of jail, you’ll go straight to the airport.” Foreshadowing? Also this season, they are going to try harder not to die. That might be hard with three South Africans on the boat.
Kate Wastes No Time Stirring The Pot
Kevin the new chef is OCD and is going to great lengths to get the kitchen organized. He asks Kate for label maker and she won’t give it to him because “he has better things to do.” So that will be their storyline. Kate’s insubordination. Wait, isn’t that her storyline every season?
It’s time for the first lunch service and the script calls for the chief stew to decide to change her clothes fifteen minutes before service. The guests also get their first lines, “how much longer until lunch?” and “I haven’t eaten all day.” and “Can we just get a cheese plate?” The just had veggie tacos five minutes ago. Shut up and drink and look at the beautiful scenery, for fucksake. The writers are awful.
Abbi Is A Motorboating Virgin
And yet the first day went really well on deck. The only hiccup was that Ashton forgot to give his crew dinner breaks. And no one complained. The guys were were too busy deciding who they were going to screw first. The interior was a hot mess and it seems as though Simone was quickly demoted to third stew despite being hired as second stew. The winner of day one was Kevin who wowed the guests with Thai food and managed not to strangle Kate. The guests went to bed early and happy. But first, Chef Kevin spoke with the primary about the special couples dinner the next night. It’s proposal. So the menu will be steak and lobster. That’s always winner and it’s an easy dish he can do while feeding the other five something else.
Then Kevin gets stomach cramps. Allegedly. The next morning we find out that Kevin is still not feeling well with some disgusting sound effects and gross visuals provided by 51 Minds. I could do without that. I actually do have stomach cramps.
After brunch the guests, Courtney and one of the deck guys go to the beach. Courtney is such a whiner.
Please Make It Stop, LITERALLY
Kate acts like yachts in Thailand don’t have medication for travelers trots. So does Captain Lee. Oh noe! Whatever should we do? I’d share my loperamide if it would stop this storyline. And with that, I’m done. I was going to have dinner after this recap but suddenly I may puke instead. Not kidding.
I was disappointed. What did y’all think? Please not graphic descriptions of the disgusting shit (literally) in comments. I can’t take it and may not even be able to watch next week.