Well, gentle readers, this is the last Below Deck Med recap of the season. And what a wild ride it has been. I have found Captain’s Sandy’s edit to be particularly interesting. She went from BEST CREW EVER! To YOU ALL SUCK in the last few episodes. To be fair, I am not sure if she had her current girlfriend when this was filming, but her current girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer. So I am going to try to give her a pass. In other news, both Below Deck franchises have fantastic ratings but on this site, they Below Deck Med recaps don’t perform as well as housewives recaps. That means either I suck at Below Deck Med recaps, or y’all prefer the shit shows. So this is my last chance to impress you. No promises. I have a stomach bug. There will be no reunion.
Last week, we ended with Joao going to the doctor very ill. Is it me or does someone get deadly ill on the crew every season. I used to travel a lot until I got Banjo the killer dog that no one will dog sit. (He’s just like his mama) and I think have only been sick on vacay once. I stayed in my Paris hotel room drank wine, ate cheese and slept it off while watching Hart to Hart. It was actually a found memory. To this day I really enjoy Hart to Hart shows when not feeling well. My point is, is this all production? I dunno.
Travis Is In Charge What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
I’ve also had sex on my solo trips. It was okay. But, Aesha and Jack finally did the deed and she is “very pleased with the merchandise.” Oh, it was young people sex. LOL. I remember that. Um, moving on… lol. On the other hand, Hannah just wants to get Captain Sandy off her jock. Captain Sandy “quarantines” Joao by giving him the charter off and leaving him in the bunk he shares with Colin.
Captain Sandy spazzes because there are a few waves. She is acting like she is on the high seas and not in some port in Monaco. The bad weather appears to be some intermittent rain. So it will be one of those, “sorry, YOU GOT THE YACHT, LUANN, but you are going to be docked” sort of charters. This puts everything on Ben and Hannah and the interior.
Sandy is already ragging on Hannah, because storyline. There are two chances for Hannah to impress Captain Sandy. Moulin Rouge night and Great Gatsby night. Dear Lord. Is Great Gatsby the only party theme the writers know? Am I cranky? I sound cranky. Sorry. Aesha thinks the guests are boring. I think they are my favorite guests so far. I love to talk about taxes and college days.
Sandy loves the extremely tacky table decor for the Moulin Rouge party. It’s hideous. Gold balloons and dollar store trinkets. I’d be pissed. I’d like to mention that lesbians should not as a general rule be in charge of decor. But, I’d be stoned for that so I’ll not mention it. Especially since once it all came together, it looked fine. For a prom at my high school. If you had never been to Mardi Gras and didn’t know the colors are purple, green and gold.
Snails For Dinner
Ben is serving snails for the Mardi Gras dinner. Not shrimp étouffée, jambalaya, or red beans and rice or even a gumbo. Snails. Because, British douchebag with limited skills. There was nothing Mardi Gras about this shit show. The guests are lovely. I knew I liked them.
Meanwhile, Ben prefers silence in his kitchen. Because professional kitchens are like monastic monasteries. Course two is fois gras and toast. Because, Mardi gras????????? It’s basically shit on a shingle. The next Mardi Gras dish is beef tartare. I JUST CAN’T. I get they are in the French Rivera, I do. But guest often ask for themed parties that do not match the country.
I’m appalled. Look, production books this shit months in advance. These people may not pay the full price but they pay five figures for this shit. I have a box of Mardi Gras beads I could have sent. And recipes. They get a Georgia Tech tables setting with snails and toast while docked? This is some bullshit, production. DO BETTER. Then duck comfit with cinnamon potatoes?
These guest must have gotten a free ride from someone at Bravo because they needed a last minute replacement. They are so very kind about everything.
Suns Out, Buns Out!
Anastasia gets crap from Captain Sandy for not setting up for an outdoor breakfast. So much storyline. Joao has had a miraculous recovery. Since June, June, Hannah is gone we now have Anastasia, Anastasia, Hannah. Sorry Hannah that’s just not going to be a thing. We loved June.
Joao’s week long illness ends after one day. Toys are out. Life is good. He is going to do anchor watch so as not to infect the guests.
Millennials Don’t Know Shit!
OH DEAR GOD. Hannah is getting Cancan dancers for a Great Gatsby party. That’s a full century off. FLAPPERS. FLAPPERS IS WHAT YOU NEED YOU FOOL. I may not be able to carry on. This entire episode was written by a full on millennial moron. Do millennials not have GOOGLE? I get it, sweetie, you were told to write a script for a French Riviera show. But, change the likely greatly reduced in fare guests preference sheet! Once again the table decor is awful. But at least it is in Georgia Bulldog colors and not Georgia Tech. Captain Sandy thinks the table decor is lovely. Captain Sandy doesn’t know shit, nor give a shit about table decor. The millennial writer has no lesbian friends.
I need a moment. I am just breathing deeply an posting lots of Colin photos. Colin is soothing.
I cannot even go on with the menu. Or the can can girls stretching their twats on the deck. The guests too have reached the end of their pleasantries. Well, the still have pleasantries, they are just tired of having to eat this shit. WASN’T PRETENDING TO LIKE THE SNAILS ENOUGH? Can they please feed these kind people SOMETHING? The lovely gentleman says he wants a bottle of the rich people wine. So do I Mr. Nice Guy, So. Do. I!
Ben Is A Dick
That should be on the breakfast menu. Eggs Ben Is A Dick. Lots of fake fighting between Ben and Hannah. These guests are lovely. They finally got a filet and lobster. How hard is surf and turf. The slutty can can girls were great and well received. Nothing to do with Great Gatsby, but appropriate for the location.
I’m going to ignore the Hannah and guest flirtation. And Captain Sandy’s bizarre with table settings. Shut up Captain Sandy with your bullshit. Ah we are going to get another episode. YAY. We will get a sort of reunion episode next week. I hate when Captain Sandy makes me want to backhand her and be Team Hannah. Yet this is two season in a row.