This day has gotten away from me. I stayed up WAY too late last night. So this Below Deck Med recap may be even worse than usual. 🙂 I was up very, very, VERY late working on a new post for Friday or Saturday about a new show to recommend. Because, binge watching. Anyway, on to the show. I’ve started using the actual title of the episode as a title for SEO purposes (I don’t know if it helps or not, actually) but if I were naming this episode, based on the previews, I’d name it something like, Captain Sandy Has PMS.
We start with rough seas. This seemed weird to me as someone who grew up on the Med. I never recall it being rough. I was of single digit age and sometimes a group of us would swim out to “Pigeon Island” (Americans tend to rename things while living abroad) and to me it seemed like the longest swim (on rafts) in the entire world. But it was smooth waters for the most part. Anyway. I digress.
It is not smooth sailing this episode. Guests are crawling on the floor and sea sick. I blame Captain Sandy for this. Why didn’t she navigate around this or pull into port somewhere ON THE SOUTHERN COAST OF FRANCE and put them up someplace fancy for a night? I’ve also been very seasick on a boat. It’s horrific. Think you are going to die. You are so happy to get off the boat. And the minute you do, the seasickness disappears immediately.
Captain Sandy finally gets to smoother seas and tells the deckhands to put everything out. Then for some reason (scripted) she goes back to the original Captain Sandy, the micro manager. What happened to BEST CREW EVER?
The Worst Time To Die
The guests have requested a while party. Aesha takes it upon herself to ask Captain Sandy if they can do a white glove service. This is totally scripted. In real life she would suggest it to Hannah. How does she even know if they have white gloves for all the people it would take for that? This is a ridiculous script. But um, carry on? Hannah nixes the idea right away.
While Travis and Collie retrieve 100 white balloons from shore, Jack and Hannah discuss Jack’s future with Aesha and how filthy dirty she would be in bed. Then Joao and Jack take take some guest of on a raft that they are pulling on a jetski and it craps out. Dead in the water.
Captain Sandy, Micromanager
I have been trying to warm up to Captain Sandy but the script apparently has her suddenly micromanaging everything. It makes no sense. She was in love with everyone previously. Best crew ever! Uncomfortably hugging her subordinates and professing her undying love. And now we are back to bitch micromanger? WHO WRITES THIS CRAP? Stop ruining the show! It’s been a great season! Less production interference, PUHLEASE!
Sandy goes in on Joao over what is wrong with the jetski. Please let her go back to pretend driving the boat or whatever. She’s either the worst captain ever, or following a bad script. Hasn’t she been lick his arsehole all season? Meanwhile, the anchor is dragging again. Whose fault is that? So off to port they go. Didn’t I suggest that at the beginning of the episode?
The best and most genuine part of the episode was Collie Wollie writing raps while on anchor watch.
Aesha points out to Ben that she got bitched at for cooking out of uniform but Ben doesn’t. Learn it now, young lady. We are not all playing by the same rules in this game called life. At least you are pretty. For now. Ben admits he gets away with a lot.
Then we discover that Ben can’t cook eggs. On any cooking contest egg cooking is always a thing. And it is always the demarcation of who can cook, and who cannot. While this is likely scripted as well, I love a negative Ben script. We are supposed to believe he needs to call in Hannah about his alleged piss poor egg cooking? I mean if you are going to write for Below Deck, you need to have at least left your house at some point. Or watched a cooking show or ten. Or know port from starboard. I am enjoying the episode despite the poor writing. But COME ON.
The Send Off
They have to do the tip handover inside the boat due to high winds. These guests were very nice. Aesha wants to take three months off in New Zealand. Me too girl. If I could teleport me an Banjo there I would.
At the tip meeting Captain Sandy “forgives” Joao for he being a bitch. How is that a thing? The thing is an apology. Then she is pissed with Hannah because the white glove service did not happen. These two clearly are not exactly BFFs in real life, but this is just ridiculous. She pees herself over Ben. Again, as much as I want to be a late in life lesbian like Meredith Baxter Birney, it is not going to happen. So I am not aware of the lesbian population. I mean I’ve dabbled and had a friend or two over the years. But I am shocked by how much she feeds into the misogyny. She loves the guys and hates the girls. WTF? Am I misinterpreting this?
Hannah does pretend like they did the white glove service. But, she has no idea why Captain Sandy is asking about it! She had no clue (according to the script) that Aesha went behind her back to Captain Sandy. Captain Sandy again micromanages. All she manages to do is make the stews all pissed at each other. I am so over the script that THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP has any interest in table settings!
This is the longest recap in the history of the world. Banjo is really needy tonight, Sorry. Not sorry.
Jack asked Aesha to be his girlfriend via a sheet proposal. You had to be there.
Just guys and Aesha go out on the town. Hannah and Anastasia have to buy fucking table decorations. Or so the script says. THEY ARE PROVIDED AHEAD OF TIME. Clearly Bravo thinks we are stupid. And apparently the large part of the viewing audience does as well.
Jack and Aesha have a date. The other guys bro out at the bar. The guys trash the interior. Especially Ben. Joao is very sick just before the final cruise. Aesha and Jack have sex. Colin goes to get Captain Sandy because Joao is really sick and may need the hospital.
Next week: Spoiler Alert, Joao lives. Captain Sandy’s bitch role continues. Because Misogyny Channel. They would never give Captain Lee this edit.