It’s time for this shitshow of a season to come to a merciful end. This is the finale regular season Southern Charm recap. YAY! In even better news, Patricia’s bodyguard takes the trash out this episode and we never have to see her again.
Kathryn and Patricia go shoe shopping as a cover for gossiping about everyone. Patricia tells Kathryn that after she talked to Ashley at the fox hunt, Shep overheard Ashley saying that Kathryn would never get custody of the children. While that definitely sounds like something Ashley would say, Shep is not a reliable informant.
Bailey drops by Austen’s place to catch up on all of the Shep and Madison drama. Across town, Shep is getting his hair cut by Chelsea and tells her that he is taking one of the three way girls to the ball. We have a flashback to Shep flirting with Madison four years ago. Shep looks fifteen years younger. Bailey tells Austen that Shep is taking one of the three-way girls to the ball. He’s understandably pissed. He calls Madison and tells her. She’s pissed too.
Plotting Before The Ball
Naomie’s mom comes over to help her paint her bathroom. They talk about Metul. Mama approves.
Ashley and Eliza go to get their hair done. Eliza lets her know about the ball. Ashley calls Patricia a bitch and a piece of shit. She says, “Karma’s a bitch, and she’s going down.” We’ll see about that.
Patricia’s ball’s theme is a “stag’s ball.” She’s says it is usually where people come without dates and it is “very European.” A stag’s ball, or a stag party is generally just a bunch of guys with no women. It’s not some European thing. It’s an everywhere thing. And it is a weird theme for a ball in Charleston. But it does explain the half-nekkid ladies in giant champagne cups gyrating about. I suppose it is better than the flamingo party with a bunch of inflatable beer coozies in the pool.
The girls stop by Kathryn’s for some hair and makeup before the ball. Kathryn mentions that she and Hunter are going with Madison and Austen. Danni is pissed about that because of the whole chlamydia thing. So Kathryn texts Austen and tells him they will just meet them there. Cameran’s husband is supposed to come, but I will believe that when I see it. Cameran seems more excited to see Metul. But he does come and he is cute as a button!
The Odd Stag Party
Patricia is thrilled that she has a bodyguard this year. It won’t be long until she needs it. Kathryn forgot her pants. I’ll show you that later. Things between Whitney and Hunter were really awkward. Hunter is really short. Things with Cameran and Metul are also really, really awkward. This whole shindig is weird AF.
Madison is upset in the car on the ride over with Austen. She is not at all pleased that the two sluts (well three actually) are going to be there. There is a woman on stilts or something in the front garden with a very long train on her dress to form sort of a red carpet. Everyone is unsure if they should walk on it. When Shep and his THOT of the day arrive, he wipes his feet on the dress and laughs. He is such a scumbucket.
What’s Wrong With Craig Conover???
I’m very disappointed in Craig for bringing the second THOT to the ball. I have such high regard for him and this is just beneath him. I am ready for this episode to be over and I just noticed it’s an extended episode. BLECH.
Madison steps out for some air and tries to deal with the hurtful things that Shep and Craig are doing. Danni goes out to talk her off the ledge. These two make up sort of. Madison apologizes to Danni. Craig seems proud of fucking over Austen and Madison. I do not like this Craig. However, it could all just be storyline. Because these three stooges are thick as thieves on Instagram still.
This Show Needs To Be Cancelled
Even Cameran is calling Shep out on his shit. Then, Chelsea and Naomie grab Kathryn to confront the two video whores. Why? Why can’t we just ignore this? The more they draw this out the more I’m convinced this is all manufactured storyline. Then, Cameran joins the posse. She tells the girls that Shep and Craig are just using them to get back at Austen. One of them says, “That’s fine.” They both deny sleeping with Austen. Again, no one cares.
Meanwhile, Austen pulls Shep aside to chat. I can’t even recap this conversation. I hate them both. Austen says the Shep is being really petty. He can’t figure out why Shep is so angry. Craig tries to join the conversation and Austen tells him to fuck off. Once again they end their friendship.
Odds and Ends
Shep finds Craig sitting alone on stairs. Craig is acting like he had no idea this was a ploy to get back at Austen. Really, Craig? No one believes that.
Kathryn and Whitney have a little chat of their own to wind up their own bizarre hookup storyline this season. Whitney has a flight back to his place in WeHo the next morning.
My Theory On The Shep Situation
Madison pulls Shep aside for a conversation. Madison mentions his classy date. Both of the girls look like hookers you would see in the Wal*Mart parking lot on the wrong side of town. Back when the three way incident went down, Austen was on social media begging for anyone who was in town to meet him for a drink. I feel like Shep directed these two to Austen and paid them to take the video of the blow-up. I think Shep will do anything to keep Austen from being with Madison. Shep asked Madison out when she was married and then told her to call him first when she got divorced. He’s clearly obsessed with her.
Shep says she has known the hooker for three years. I don’t believe that. Madison apologizes to Shep. I guess for the chlamydia thing. Shep is just insane. He makes no sense. He is just an angry drunk.
In the last two minutes of the episode as everyone is leaving Ashley shows up. She was escorted out in under a minute. She is immediately on the phone to Thomas when she got outside. Ashley made it seem like she was physically abused and whined about being humiliated. Thomas apparently told her to call 911. That would have been a great idea! They could have arrested her for trespassing.
And finally this god awful season has come to a merciful end. Ashley is back in California hanging out with the dolphin. I can’t imagine a more perfect match.